What rhymes with turtle? RAPE

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A man is hungry so he gets on his coat and shouts : "I AM GOING TO THE STORE!". His wife says not to because the police say the rapist 'Eggman' is out again. He says he will be very careful. On his way he hears 'They are the Eggmen, I am the Eggmen-" and the man shouts: "AND I AM THE WAlRUS, SO GET THE HECK OUTTA MY FACE OR I WILL KOO-KOO KOO-JOOB YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!" The Eggman and the man found two more people from Liverpool and formed the band 'The Beatles'. The Eggman shot the Walrus in 1980 after the band broke up.

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What did George W. Bush say to his wife when he got home? I'm home.

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Why doesn't Michael J. Fox drive a stick shift? He was raised in an urban area and was only taught to maneuver with vehicles that shifted automatically.

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Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead.

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A man ate a lot of ice cream he had double bypass surgery 3 months later

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What's funnier then an anti-joke? People who fail at making them.

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What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a brand new Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

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How types of people are there? One, we are the only homo sapiens.

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Yo mama's so fat that she pushed you off your computer and you couldnt write anymore "yo Mama" jokes.

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What did one cake say to the other? You wanna piece of me?!?

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Why are you worrying about the chicken? You just got shot.

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why didn't the printer work? it was in the toilet.

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Why was Timmy sore? He'd been playing with his cornhole along with his friends all day!

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How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I do not know because it depends on the woodchuck; however, if some statistical evidence is gathered on the average amount of wood a woodchuck could chuck you most likely would get a close answer, considering that the statistical research was not flawed.

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What happened when the car hit the man? He died.

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What's worse than biting into a worm in your apple? Being run over by a stampede of elephants

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Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius!

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Whats the difference between a fire hydrant and the color green? They're both green. Except the fire hydrant.

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What would happen if the whole world farted at once?

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Your momma's so fat, diet and exercise would probably save her life!

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If pro is the opposite of con what's the opposite of progress? Retrogression.

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What did the muffin, say to the other muffin? Nothing. Because muffin's are inanimate objects, therefore incapable of speech, or any other sentient action. They were baked until the baker them until they were fit for consumption, devoured them, and went on with his day.

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Whats the worst part about being fat. Your fat.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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