Need therapy? No you do not, just follow these steps. When someone feels suicidal, I ask them, so what would you do and feel when you are dead? People: First I think ill just chill like this, and then everything would be empty and no more noise like this here "holds hands over ears", and it would all just be black and nice afterwards.... Me: Stay in that state for a while. Human: Gee I am starting to feel better... Me: GEE YOU SUCK KILL YOURSELF NOW! 2. How to CURE PERMANENTLY (not treat over 30 years with no effect) someone that cant say no... First I let my victim enter the room, then I shut the door and shout "SAY NO TO ME YOU FUCKlNG WH000RE!" Victim: NOOOOOOO I CANT! Cured, stop wasting my fucking time NEXT 3. SUUUUUUUURE! Me: So you feel uncertain? Patient: Uh yeah... Me: Are you certain about that? Patient: You are just certain about you being certain which is not possible because you are uncertain NOW DIE! PROTIP: Death is the cure to all disease... NOOOOOOOT! (Postmortem disease no?) 4. I forgot this example. Anyway, I say something smart, you give me thumbs down because you are jelly, and then I eat you and I had some jelly.... I master nonsense, I am the jack of no trades and master of all.

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Knock knock Who's there No one. The house has been vacant for years.

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Jerry Sandusky walks up to the reception desk at a day care center. What does the lady at the desk say? Nothing, she promptly gives Mr. Sandusky his son and they leave.

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Your mom is not fat!

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There are two angry guys in a park on their lunch break What do they do? They eat their sandwich and go back to work to settle a peace treaty.

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Why did the black man quit his job as a rapper? Because he was an admirable father and husband and was willing to sacrifice his passion to provide for those he loved.

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A bartender walks up to a church and a synagogue

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Whats worst than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies. Whats worst than a pile of dead babies? One live baby under the pile of dead babies.

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Knock knock. Who's there? Come in.

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A smart kid just answered a question in class, a blonde girl then says "Nerd, your always answering all the questions". The teacher then says "Hey thats not nice, he could be your boss one day." The smart kid quickly replies "Highly unlikely, i do not plan on being a pimp when i grow up".

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A man goes to the doctor's office. The doctor says, "I have some bad news, and some worse news. The bad news is you have alzheimer's. The worse news is you have cancer." The man breaks down in tears.

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How do you say a bad word in your language? Like this: "A bad word in your language"

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What do you can an astronaut with an apple? Never mind, I have a boner.

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"Lady's and Gentlemen, hobos and trams Cross side mosquitoes and bald legged ants Pull up a chair and sit on the floor and I'll tell you I've never heard before Of one bright day in the middle of night Two dead boys got up to fight Back to Back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other A deaf policeman heard the noise Came and killed the two dead boys If you don't believe this lie is true Ask the blind man he saw it too"

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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Whatever their name is.

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I was going to write a racist joke but there was too many black people watching me.

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George Bush.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side of the road because apparently their was something on the other side that appealed to the chicken. It was probably your mom.

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Knock Knock, Who's There? The The Who? YYYYEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

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Colloqiual irregularities are a significant part of the English language, and excellent example of this is between can and may.

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What's Green and flies? Super Grapes cousin Super Grape

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why did the tortoise cross the road? it does not matter, it got hit by a vehicle and died on impact.

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How many dead babies does it take to fill a bathtub? 17.

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Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds? Michael Jackson is dead.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops