Simon says.. Nothing because he's deaf.

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what happened to the man who is standing in the rain? he got wet

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why did the little girl fall off the swing she had no arms

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A: Knock, Knock B: Whos there? A: Noone, the door and the visitor are both existential figments of your imagination.

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How do you stop a rhino from charging? An ak-47

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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was holding on to the first one. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Pier pressure.

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When will Abe Vigoda be alive again? Never. There will never again be a time when Abe Vigoda will be alive. For example, Abe Vigoda will be dead for the entirety of the year 2038. He will continue to be dead if we move forward to the year 2091, and even if we keep jumping forward throughout history, stopping in the years 2250, 2871, and 3546, we will not land in an era when Abe Vigoda will be alive. Another way to look at this is to imagine Abe Vigoda had died in earlier years. Let's say he had died in 1902. Would he be alive today? The answer, sadly, is no. We get the same answer if we suppose Abe Vigoda had died in 1822, 1715, or ~ 85,200,000 BPE. To sum up, it is not precisely accurate to say that Abe Vigoda will be dead for a very long time. That implies a limit on the amount of time he will be dead. There is no limit.

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Whats funnier than a dead baby tied to a tree? Everything, infant mortality is a very sad thing.

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A man with tourettes walks into a bar, due to his disease he shouts unexpected profanities across the room; everybody in the bar bursts into laughter. The man cannot handle the pressure anymore and goes home. He opens a drawer in his bedroom and pulls out a gun and points it at his head. HIs wife of 15 years walks in on him about to commit suicide. She is horrified. He then looks at her and then down, and notices his one and only daughter by the age of 7 is by her side. The man ponders his reckless decision he was about to conceive. Moments later he and his family are holding one another sobbing in each others arms. A few days later the man diagnosed with touretts then goes back to the bar and shoots everybody there. After he killed everybody he curled up into a ball and regretted his decision. An hour later the police arrived and he was sentanced to life in prison for 3rd degree murder. His wife moved on and started a new family with his former best friend, and his daughter vists him every first tuesday of every other month. The man with touretts still cannot control his ticks and rots in jail everyday screaming obscenities for the rest of his life with no parole.

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Why didn't the black man sit in the front of the bus Because he lives in a society where it is illegal and socially unacceptable for a person of African decent to sit in towards the front of the bus, near the driver, which is most commonly reserved for a person of European decent.

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What did Hitler get for Christmas? Some shoelaces for his shoes so he could tie his little knotsies.

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A boy asked his dad Why are Chinese eyes like that. His dad replied there concentrating that's why there so smart The boy went up to a student in his class and said look I'm like you The teacher asked who told him that he said his dad The dad was called up by the school when the teacher told him what his son did he went GOOZILLA His wife asked him what he was up to and he said farting on her face when she was a sleep 3 days later he found out his wife was cheating on him he knocked on the door only to realize he was on drugs and that he never had a family.

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Why did the asian lady buy the large shirt instead of the medium? Because the medium didn't fit

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what do you find at the top of mountains? things

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What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle ? One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.

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a man was hired for a job. he made a lot of money and was able to support his family.

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Q: What were little Jonathon's grandmas last words before dying of Alzheimer's? A: Who are you?

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Roast Beef is a solid and Pea Soup is a liquid

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a black man has a shotgun. having an IQ of 11 he shot his hands off

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A man walks into a bar. He suffers a fatal concussion and the playground is shut down by local police until proper padding is installed.

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What's big, purple, and smells like children? Barney

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ccjcjcjcjcjcjjcjcjcjjcjcjcjcjcjcjccjcjcj why

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Click here to end the world.

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Q: Why can't Carl drive? A: Carl is a stone

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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