Your mama's so fat that she has type 2 diabetes.

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What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating on the water? Dead.

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A Muslim walked out of a bomb shop.

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What's black and twelve inches long? A Maglite.

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If life throws you melons you might be dyslexic, but you also might not be.

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, And so am I.

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A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a drink. "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" exclaims the bartender. "You have a Melanoplus Differentialis?" asks the grasshopper. "Yes."

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why was there a man outside the 56th floor window? he was a window washer and needed the money.

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Are you from Tennessee? Because I can tell by your accent.

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Why did the mother have a club in her hands covered with red liquid? She spilled her bloody murry while playing golf.

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Why do policemen wear belts? To hold up their pants.

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What do Ethiopian children do at night? Starve

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look at this bag of air it has some chips in it

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why did the bear fall out of the tree? the bear got shot

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Ask me if I'm an orange. Are you an orange? No.

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What did John the accountant do when he saw a flying dog, He woke up from a wonderful dream and started his day

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a drumset fell off a clif. Badoom ch.

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Two nuns walk into a bar. There is a monkey between them, that they are both holding hands with. The bartender looks to them, and says "Hello sisters, I am sorry, but we do not allow wild animals into the bar. He's gonna have to wait outside," to which one of the nuns responds, "Oh, do not worry, this is no monkey, this is one of our sisters." The bartender is very confused. He chuckles, and says "Alright, well then your sister is going to have to wait outside." The sisters look at each other confusedly, but take the monkey outside, put it on a leash, and tie it to a pole. They proceed back inside, have a few drinks, and leave. The next night, the bar is a little more crowded. The bartender looks up and sees the two nuns entering. He checks to make sure there is no monkey with them, and there is not, so he goes back to serving drinks. A few minutes later, the two nuns are at the front of the bar ready to order drinks. The bartender smiles at them, "No monkey this time?" he asks. "Not tonight," says one of the nuns. "Alright," says the bartender, "what can I get you?" "I'll take a double bourbon," says one of the nuns. "I'll have a gin and tonic, and she'll have the same" says the other nun, motioning to a rhinoceros on her left. "What the fuck!!" yells the bartender. "How did you get this inside?! Where did you even get a rhinoceros?" He realizes these questions are unimportant, and runs to call animal control. By the time he turns around, however, the rhinoceros is gone. He goes to talk to the bouncer. "Dude, why do you keep letting in wild animals?" asks the bartender. "The hell are you talking about?" asks the bouncer. "Last night, two nuns walked in with a monkey, and tonight they somehow got a rhino past you. You didn't see that??" the bartender snaps. "Three nuns came in last night, and three came in tonight. No monkey, no rhino," the bouncer tells him. Meanwhile, as they walked home to the convent, one of the nuns says "Man, I haven't been drunk in weeks." One of the other nuns turns to her and says, "Well, maybe you should stop turning into an animal every time we get into a bar."

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I raped someone in my basement... ...Just Kidding!... ...I dont have a basement

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The only silverware Frank Lampard will be lifting this year is his mums urn.

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What did the snow flake which could talk say to the other snow flake which could talk None of us are the same.

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what did the boy say to the girl? make me a sandwich.

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A man has aids. He has plenty of sexual partners and they all contract the disease.

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How do you torture Helen Keller? Give her a cheese-grater and tell her it's a book.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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