How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

thumb_up thumb_down +29

Why did the black man have a gun in his hand? He was crossing through a dangerous neighborhood and was offering protection to himself and his family.

thumb_up thumb_down -14

What happened when barba opened the coca cola? The cap flew off and hit the fence then the train then the moon then the pillow then the sun then the pole and the pole fell and hit the baseball and the cap landed on the floor... Then my turtle died

thumb_up thumb_down -6

a:two guys are white but one of the guys can only see black and white so he said dude you black he said no so they have a race who won :nobody they both got hit by a bus then a car then a donkey eaea then a horse

thumb_up thumb_down

A man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. Being the only two people in this rundown watering hole, the bartender walks over slowly to the man and asks him in a depressed tone, "What would you like?" The man replies back with nervous hesitation, "Do... you mind if I have a rum and coke?" Staring off into the empty wall of the bar, the bartender sighs then says, "Eh... Why not. Your service is better than watching these reruns of MASH on this broken television. I can barely understand where all this laughter's coming from when the punchlines are covered up with static. I feel that if I could take in on how the joke was being told that it could potentially fill that void I experience in day-to-day life, but in the financial state that I'm currently in, that huge hole that I sense in daily life will never ever be filled. Every morning I wake up and try to find a way that I could escape this feeling that I have at the bottom of my stomach. You know there was a time where butterflies flew around in my gut because this television worked just so damn well, but it seems that over time the butterflies ate one too many greasy cheeseburgers and drank one too many beers." While still concentrating on the empty space of the wall, the bartender starts to tear up. he wipes the tear away then continues on with his rant. "But that isn't the only problem that I have going on with me. Every night in my vacant and almost unfurnished apartment, I would prepare myself a TV dinner in the microwave and set up my recliner so I could stare out of my window and see what's going on in my neighbor's living room. Every night I would do this and watch him have his loud and raunchy drug-induced orgies with women and animals. They would light up candles and chant right in front of the beautiful orange glow before stripping off their clothes. I know that it's a great misfortune that even I myself know what is wrong with this picture that I just described to you, and yet simultaneously, it hasn't really dawned on me yet that what I've been doing is extremely creepy and intrusive. Even walking upon this shaky and seemingly everlasting tightrope of ambivalence, I can see what's the right answer but loneliness has a strong effect on a person. Upon its very appearance, it corrupts the personal ethics of some beings. Many times I've seen quiet men turn themselves into loud and mad animals to make themselves look like alpha males. Many times I've seen celibate women strip off their clothes and show flesh all for a pervert. Sometimes I just stay here at the bar and watch TMZ. I've even sense the loneliness when I looked in some of the eyes of the celebrities'. Their acts scream loneliness as they stumble around drunk and mumble words in front of some overpriced bar. Perhaps I'm just going nuts here. It's almost like I'm having too much fun when I take in at what I've become. I've fallen into the shape of a lonely bartender of an empty, empty place. This establishment used to be so full of life but now it's all shrunken up. I apologize, sir. I know I probably told you too much information, but I'm drunk and I felt that this is the only opportunity that I'll have before i relive that feeling again. It just won't stop. It goes on and on." After staring deeply into his drink for sometime, the man digs into the inner pocket of his coat to pull out his pack of cigarettes. The bartender murmurs out to himself as he reads the cigarette box, "Lucky Strikes, unfiltered." As the man pulls out a cigarette for him and the bartender, he says, "cheer up, man. we'll make the best of it." The bartender takes one and lights up with the man in the bar. After a few drinks, the man decides that he's going to wrap it up and hit the town. As the man is leaving, he lays down a hundred dollar bill and tells the bartender to take it. The bartender smiles and says, "thanks for listening to me, sir. you've been great." The man turns around and smiles then says, "No problem. Thank you for staring into my apartment."

thumb_up thumb_down -4

A lady goes into the store to buy potatoes. Then she eats them.

thumb_up thumb_down +22

Steven bought an apple And then he went home and fed it too his pet Jim (he was a fish and then sadly died from being overfed)

thumb_up thumb_down +2

knock knock who's there me me who? me me me me who? me me me me me me who? and the more the joke continues the less funny and more annoying it gets

thumb_up thumb_down -22

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor

thumb_up thumb_down +5

"Ask me if I'm a banana." "Are you a banana?" "No."

thumb_up thumb_down +42

This is a haiku Haikus are not really jokes Congratulations!

thumb_up thumb_down +6

How do you stop a train? You stand in front of it.

thumb_up thumb_down +10

My grandmother's zodiac sign was cancer, and she was killed by a giant crab.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Why did Sara fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock Who's there Not Sara

thumb_up thumb_down -16

why did the plane crash? because fenton was driving it..."THE DEER HAD TO DIE"

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Knock Knock. Who's there? A dozen burly firefighters ready to stick it in your pooper

thumb_up thumb_down +9

How do you stop a car from hitting a kid? You don't.

thumb_up thumb_down +3

A man recently set the world record for jumping into a foot of water from 50 feet high. Luckily, this made the clean-up rather simple.

thumb_up thumb_down -6

Y did a fat woman cross the rode? To get to McDonalds

thumb_up thumb_down +8

what did the turnip say to the plum? nothing, as most fruits and vegetables would've said

thumb_up thumb_down +8

Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says "OH MY GOD I CAN TALK!" the second muffin is so shaken in its beliefe system by a talking muffin that it commits suicide.

thumb_up thumb_down +4

You know whats worse than getting punched in the face? Getting kicked in the balls.

thumb_up thumb_down +27

What's the difference between a large pizza and a black man? The pizza is a delicious Italian classic dish, while the latter is a human being which man frown at the notion of consuming.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

banana

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops