A fish finds that his fishbowl is on fire. He escapes the bowl only to realize he is equally screwed.

thumb_up thumb_down +49

You again? Well, ill answer again then. Ill be fine, I just got some wounds and got beaten into a coma which nobody was sure I was going to wake up from so details where hidden. As for this Neo guy, I have no idea who he is and where he arrived from, but if he is gone, it wont matter. Lets just say I wont die from these wounds, some people disagree, but I have overcome far, far worse, so trust me, these guys told me I had two weeks to live about a month ago, and the doctor that was there at my birth told me I had two months to live and would never develop a consciousness... I digress and my japing mouth disagrees with his statement regarding my not being able to learn or understand fluid language, hah... ...As for you Golgo12 "some people deem me insane", id say most people do, except six million of them, and I do not plan to leave this realm just because my lifelong dream is set, there is still much to do, point zero is not exactly a nice place at the moment, but technology and money can do wonders, we soon plan to expand things. Sorry everybody else, I am too tired to answer anything, id say something sooner, but I officially beat the record of 11 days without sleep by not being able to sleep for 14 days, and then I raged when I read you need to hold on for at least six weeks on valium if you want to quit cold turkey. Technically docs say I am on 30 mg, but fuck I can handle 20 just fine... Cant say the same about none. Ill gladly share more details, but if I cant sleep soon, the damn pain will keep me awake all night long... Besides I am hungry... Which is good, my nurse (Alice is damn cute lucky me) was concerned about me refusing to eat, thats over... Oh yeah the details, I got some burns (lets not go into details, lets just say that for you that call me pretty face, this is no longer the case) They shattered my knees, but my kneecaps "broke on their own" (dad) when I was four, and you guys know I can run and all that. Except that they put some shit on my eyes before I broke free, but I managed to wash it away, so while I need some glasses until I see if laser surgery can fix my vision again (I doubt it, its not how it works) I will apparently be wearing glasses that Alice says makes me look "cute and nerdy" which to me sounds like Nerdy. Fine I got to eat, so if you have any more questions, feel free, and if Eliza got any more, I ask you guys let her go first, its not like "YOU ARE ALIVE?!? AGAIN?!" Is a question I need to answer to each of you rite? Well now or... Never (aka next week or something) so get moving...

thumb_up thumb_down +47

When I was a kid, I had a clown at my birthday party. He molested me. Later I found out the clown was my dad.

thumb_up thumb_down +47

A Muslim walks into a bar. BOOM

thumb_up thumb_down +47

Why did the chicken cross the road? why? Womens rights

thumb_up thumb_down +47

Does it not sound kinda fun to keep slapping someone that always turns the other cheek?

thumb_up thumb_down +45

Why did the mother have a club in her hands covered with red liquid? She spilled her bloody murry while playing golf.

thumb_up thumb_down +45

Why is Cindy crying? She got a branch stuck in her eye which irritated her sensitive cornea so her tear duct produced a tear to help shed the material from her eye.

thumb_up thumb_down +45

Are you from Tennessee? Because I can tell by your accent.

thumb_up thumb_down +45

why did little johnny scream. he was getting torn to pieces

thumb_up thumb_down +43

What did the cancer patient say after the little boy told him a funny joke? I'm dying

thumb_up thumb_down +43

Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.

thumb_up thumb_down +43

What rhymes with popscicle and weighs at least 300 pounds? Your mom. I lied about the popsicle.

thumb_up thumb_down +43

Q: What did Batman say to get robin into the Batmobile? A: Robin, get in the Batmobile!

thumb_up thumb_down +41

A horse walks into a bar, the bar tender says: why the long face? Horse: I have cancer

thumb_up thumb_down +41

Pete and Repete are sitting on a fence. Pete falls off. Pete suffers from a scraped knee and a bruised tailbone.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

myspace

thumb_up thumb_down +39

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

Do you know what is dead on the carpet ? Your mother

thumb_up thumb_down +39

What does Ke$ha feel like when getting up in the morning? Shit because she has a nasty hangover.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

What kind of blue is not heavy? Light blue.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

What do you call a young child being beating to death with a spiked club? Arousing.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Your momma's so fat: She feels excluded by mainstream clothing outlets.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

have you seen Stevie Wonders house? Nope. oh well sorry for bothering you

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops