A man is on an operating table. His heart stops beating and he suddenly finds himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter approaches him. "Welcome, my son," St. Peter says. "I can't believe it," the man exclaims, "I've died and gone to Heaven! I-" St. Peter interrupts him. "Not quite yet, my son. You must first answer three questions. You will only enter Heaven if I deem you fit to do so." The man nervously agrees. "All right. First question," St. Peter says. "Did you ever commit a sin and never sought forgiveness?" The man thinks long and hard. "No, I always made sure to apologize." "Splendid," St. Peter responds. "Did you attend church every Sunday?" The man loses some of his former confidence. "I may have missed the odd week." "That's fine," says St. Peter. "One last question... Do you believe you are worthy of entering the Gates of Heaven?" The man answers nervously, "Well... yes, yes I do." St. Peter smiles. "Congratulations, my son. You have passed the test, and may enter Heaven!" The man is ecstatic as the pearly gates open up for him. He enters Heaven and is astounded by its magnificent beauty. The man then loses all brain function and dies on the operating table.

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It's a scientific fact that if you took all the veins out of your body, and lined them up end to end, you would die.

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While on a business trip, a Jim got a call on his cell phone. It was his best friend. He was informing Jim of his wife's death in a terrible train crash. She didn't die on impact, but her legs were cut off by metal debris from the train car in front of her. She fought against the pain and used a shirt she found from a dead body to stop the bleeding. She managed to drag herself to the nearest road crossing, where someone drove her to the hospital. Despite her efforts to survive and the surgeons efforts to save her, she died that night as a result of excessive blood loss. After he hung up, Jim turned up the ringer volume on his phone because he couldn't hear it very well when it rang.

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What's green, fuzzy, and would likely cause fatal harm if it were to fall on someone? A pool table.

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Hey are you from Tennessee, 'cause you have a very nice accent.

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Your feet are so big your gonna need bigger shoes.

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Penis

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A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

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When life gives you lemons you leave the earth in search of what strange lifeform sent you them.

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Why was the truck covered in blood? The chicken tried crossing the road

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Why happened when a clothes line walked into a bar? He got hung over

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What did the terrorist have for breakfast? Scrambled eggs and a glass of orange juice.

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How do you get a baby out of a blender? Call the police and have them deal with the tragedy.

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whats gay ? you

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why is the room so dark? because the light is not on.

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How can you tell Egyptian Bees are tired? When they put down their suitcases and yell "IM Tired!"

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lewis bedford

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What is 69? A two digit number.

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What is purple, covered in pus, and squeals? A purple hippo with an infected scab yelling at the pain

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Why was the little boy sad? Because he had a fox stapled to his face.

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What did the boy say after he hit his head? I just hit my head.

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Boy: BRB Girl: OK. *Two hours later* Boy: Back. Girl: What took you so long? Boy: Someone asked why I loved you. Girl: Aw, that's so s- Boy: I know! I had no idea who he was! I had to call the cops.

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how do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.

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Roses are red Violets are blue I'm not a very good poet

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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Anti-Joke Chicken

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