A man walks into a bar and says "ow"; he stepped on a nail sticking up through one of the floorboards. He then sues the bartender for a large sum of money because of the injury he sustained, and causes the bartender to lose everything he owns in order to pay off his debt.

thumb_up thumb_down -44

Where is the center of the universe? There is no center of the universe! According to the standard theories of cosmology, the universe started with a "Big Bang" about 14 thousand million years ago and has been expanding ever since. Yet there is no center to the expansion; it is the same everywhere. The Big Bang should not be visualised as an ordinary explosion. The universe is not expanding out from a center into space; rather, the whole universe is expanding and it is doing so equally at all places, as far as we can tell. In 1929 Edwin Hubble announced that he had measured the speed of galaxies at different distances from us, and had discovered that the farther they were, the faster they were receding. This might suggest that we are at the center of the expanding universe, but in fact if the universe is expanding uniformly according to Hubble's law, then it will appear to do so from any vantage point. If we see a galaxy B receding from us at 10,000 km/s, an alien in galaxy B will see our galaxy A receding from it at 10,000 km/s in the opposite direction. Another galaxy C twice as far away in the same direction as B will be seen by us as receding at 20,000 km/s. The alien will see it receding at 10,000 km/s:

thumb_up thumb_down -46

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?" Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

thumb_up thumb_down -46

*Knock knock* I thought no one was home so I left... Turns out my grandma hung herself

thumb_up thumb_down -46

People with cancer.

thumb_up thumb_down -48

What do you get when you cross a jack-o-lantern and an antelope? Nothing. You wouldn't see an antelope by a pumpkin.

thumb_up thumb_down -48

I farted and it smells like rotten ham with melted cottage cheese now dislike this please.

thumb_up thumb_down -50

Without geometry life would be pointless

thumb_up thumb_down -50

You're so retarded that people make fun of you and you laugh with them because you don't understand and just want some friends.

thumb_up thumb_down -54

What's sad about a guy jumping off a cliff? The cliff.

thumb_up thumb_down -58

what do you call a black guy with a nice car? most probably a rapper or professional athlete, however there is also a great chance that he is a doctor of philosophy and well educated.

thumb_up thumb_down -62

tomatoe tomato my toe is named tom

thumb_up thumb_down +51

whats blue and looks like a bucket? a red bucket disguised as a blue bucket

thumb_up thumb_down +49

whats worse than someone on the phone during a movie? your mother queefing on your bowl of cheerios

thumb_up thumb_down +49

did you know why people keep saying "you know...you know..." in their conversation? well i don't know

thumb_up thumb_down +45

how many jews can you fit into a car 5, two in the front three in the back

thumb_up thumb_down +45

What did the man with no arms say to the jewish man? I have no arms.

thumb_up thumb_down +41

Yo momma is so ugly, that your father can no longer stand her. They are getting divorced.

thumb_up thumb_down +41

roses are red violets r blue jump off a building no one likes u

thumb_up thumb_down +41

Why cant jonny walk? He has no legs.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

What's the difference between shoes and babies? You can't eat shoes.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

Why did Susie fall off the swingset? Because she had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

What did the farmer say when his cow got stuck in a tree? - "Get down"

thumb_up thumb_down +37

did you hear about the platypus that was found dead in the middle of death valley?

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops