A man walked into a haunted house and screamed. He had stepped on a nail.

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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship. One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm. He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on! The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my white flag!"

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knock knock. who's there? whoer whoer who? whoer you?

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Did you hear about the anorexic with the yeast infection? Apparently she's really good at math, and if she can overcome her afflictions she wants to become an accountant one day.

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A man about to get on a plane forgets to store his utility knife in his bag before the security scan. He is taken to a back room for private questioning and fined.

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Roses are blue, Roses are red. Give me your money, Or I'll cut off your head.

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This is not Will Smith.

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Q: Why did the girl fall of her swing? A: She was hit by a rogue fridge. Q: Why didn't she get back up? A: She was quite badly injured.

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Why do people often give Jimmy strange looks? Because Jimmy has Down Syndrome

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What's worse than being a replacement? An insufficient replacement.

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The procrastinators association meeting has been postponed. - Anonymous

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ME: HEY ZACH DO YOU KNOW WHO LIKES YOU................... ZACH: NO!... WHO.... ME: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW??? ZACH:....YEAH!!!!!!!!!! ME: OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY NOBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

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whats the oposite from anti-jokes? uncle-jokes. LOL

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What do you call a gay, black, Muslim physician? Doctor.

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why did susie get hit by the bus? cause the bus driver wanted her ice cream

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If you saw two cowboys in a kitchen, which would be the real one? Why do you automatically assume one of them is false, or that either of them is real?

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This post contains NOTHING.

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Gadaffi

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why did the bananan explode? it was a grenade

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what did the man with no legs get for Christmas? A piano

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A duck walks up to a lemonade stand, and says nothing. Ducks are incapable of speech and therefore it would be physically impossible for a duck to say anything. Where the duck walks up to does not partake in the matter.

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gay marriage.

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Why did little Timmy get absolutely nothing for Christmas? He is Jewish.

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How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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