Why does Michael J. Fox always have his martinis shaken? He thinks they taste better that way.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

A man walks into bar carrying a nondescript glass bottle of beer. The bartender speaks up in a harsh tone "We don't allow outside drink here buddy! If you're drinking here, you're buying it from here! The man replies, "Oh I'm sorry, it's just that this isn't a normal beer. Every time you take a swig from it, you are granted one wish!" The bartender, who is at this point getting visibly irritated, "I ain't got no time for fairy tales. Screw off!" The man seemingly unfazed by this anger tells him, "I'm not any kind of liar. I have three sips left. You can have them if you want." The bartender snatches the bottle with his unwashed hands from the man. "Fine" he says gruffly "I'll drink your magic beer." He thinks for a brief minute and says to himself, "I wish I had an expensive sports car." and takes a drink from the bottle. No later then a second later, a Ferrari pulls up into the driveway. It is a sleek and dark red color. It was of the latest model and did not have a single scratch whatsoever. The bartender's eyes pop wide open in astonishment and he quickly makes his second wish, "I wish I had a beautiful girlfriend!". And he took another drink. No later than five seconds, A leggy 5'7 blonde bombshell steps out of the entrance. She dons a short white skirt, Long red stiletto heels and a jet black spaghetti strap top. The bartender starts to sweat and looks a little nervous. "And my final wi-EUGHAAAHGGHHH!" The bartender collapses from the floor drooling from the mouth. It turns out that the liquor he was drinking was 180-proof alcohol that his old liver could not take. The blonde woman steps back and lets out a disgusting shriek. "Ewww, this old ugly hobo just ODed on the floor. Can we go somewhere else for drinks Jeremy?" Her boyfriend replies, "Yeah good idea babe. This place looks a trash heap anyway. You deserve better." The couple do not hesitate in stepping into their sleek red Ferrari and driving off. The man who had given the bartender the beer proceeded to check the dead man's pockets and rob it of all of it's contents. Nobody ever caught the man, and not a single person in the bar cared enough about the bartender to call 911. Moral of the story: Magic does not exist and life sucks.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Knock Knock Who's there? UPS you have a package from Amazon. \ Oh, Thanks, where do I sign? Right here. Ok, thanks, have a nice day. Thanks you too.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

whats long, orange, and comes out of brown stuff? -a carrot.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

a duck wanted grapes. he didnt get any

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Why do so many people like writting really bad anti jokes? Said Santa Claus

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Your momma's so dumb, she has below average IQ.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing because their both fruits.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2. One to firmly hold the ladder and the other to cautiously screw it in. They are volunteering at the local orphanage and it is wrong to make fun of there religion. We are all different in our own special way. ernkso

thumb_up thumb_down +6

A bear walks into a bar, and says "I'd like a gin... and tonic." The bartender says "AAAAHHH! A BEAR!!!" and calls animal control. Later after the beast has been tranquilized and carted away, he rationalizes having heard the bear speak as trauma-induced hallucination.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

What did the boy say when he got hit by a car? Nothing, he punctured his lungs.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Q.what is worse than finding a worm in your apple? A.finding two worms.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

What do you get when you stab a man in the leg with a knife? A court summons because you have committed a horrible crime

thumb_up thumb_down +6

My grandma told me to always keep my head up and just keep going. She fell down a manhole last week and died.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a bag of dead babies? A: I take off my shoes when I jump on a trampoline.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

What's the difference between 10 dead baby's and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Do you know why I'm bored???? No why are you bored Because I am

thumb_up thumb_down +6

1-1 was a race horse, 1-2 was one too, 1-1 won one once and 1-2 won one too

thumb_up thumb_down +4

9/11 my birthday

thumb_up thumb_down +4

How do you get a baby to start crying? Drop a brick on it. How do you get it to stop crying? Drop two bricks on it.

thumb_up thumb_down +4

A black man walks into a bar. He paid his tab and couldn't have been more polite.

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Because her dog was blind too.

thumb_up thumb_down +4

What do you call a cold chicken? A Raw Chicken.

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Roses are red violets are blue I have altimers cheese on toast Srry bout the spelling. I couldn't REMEMBER!

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops