Apparently I'm an unfit father, cuz all I know is dope and all I got is 30 dollas

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What happened to the baby bird? It fell out the nest

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A child is in class. He really has to go to the bathroom. The teacher tells him if he can recite the alphabet, he can go to the bathroom. The kid holds his breath and goes A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. The teacher tells him good job and allows him to go to the bathroom. When the kid got there there was a man waiting in the stall who brutally raped and murdered the boy. when the teacher noticed the boy was gone for a long time, he went to check on him. When the teacher saw the dead naked body of the boy hanging from the ceiling, he shot himself. The teacher had a family of a wife and 3 sons. The principal of the school had to call the Wife and let her know about the tragedy. The principal also thought this would be a good time to tell the wife that her husband has been having a homosexual affair with him. The wife takes her three sons and drives off a bridge. They all die minus one son (age 14) who had to grow up on the street with other homeless men. He became addicted to crack and when he ran out of places to get money from he decided to rob his old home. He broke into the house and didn't know that a new family has moved in, a married couple and their 1 year old baby. He doesn't want to go to jail, so he kills the baby, spreads the blood all over the parents, ties the dad up and makes him watch his wife get raped, then he shoots the parents before putting the gun on himself. A police officer who responded to the scene had a heart condition and the scene of the crime caused him to have a heart attack. But, he got to the hospital in time and lived.

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A man sees another man standing at the edge of a tall bridge looking down. Man: Don't jump! No one wants you to die. You have your whole life to live and I'm sure you will find happiness somewhere. I was once in the same position as you, questioning if god really wanted me on this earth at all. But I decided to make something of myself and now I am a very successful business man. You can do the same if you just put your mind to it and put your troubles behind you. Other man: I was just admiring the view.

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What's worse than a worm in your apple? Thats a matter of opinion

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How do u kill a mocking bird? Stab it

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what did the radish say to the orange i'm a radish

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Knock knock. Who's there? Schizophrenia.

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Why does Beyonc'e sing ''to the left to the left''? Because black women have no rights.

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A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, I'm sorry but you have about four to six months to live. The man goes home and checks his million dollar life insurance policy.It expires in three months.

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What's worse than finding a Holocaust in your apple? The worm

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your mother is so fat that she bought a treadmill and uses it daily. she already lost 20 lbs.

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guess what the clown said to the kid... im a clown

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List of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd edition monsters From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia See also: Lists of Dungeons & Dragons monsters This is the list of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd edition monsters, an important element of that role-playing game.[1] This list only includes monsters from official Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd Edition supplements published by TSR, Inc. or Wizards of the Coast, not licensed or unlicensed third party products such as video games or unlicensed Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd Edition manuals. Contents [hide] 1 MC1–5 Monstrous Compendiums 2 MC6–10 Monstrous Compendiums 3 MC11–15 Monstrous Compendiums 4 TSR 2140 - Monstrous Manual (1993) 5 TSR 2602 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix (1994) 6 TSR 2501 - Monstrous Compendium - Mystara Appendix (1994) 7 TSR 2153 - Monstrous Compendium - Ravenloft Appendix III: Creatures of Darkness (1994) 8 Monstrous Compendium Annuals 9 TSR 2433 - Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr (1995) 10 TSR 2613 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix II (1995) 11 TSR 2162 - Ravenloft Monstrous Compendium Appendices I & II (1996) 12 TSR 2524 - Savage Coast Monstrous Compendium Appendix (1996) 13 TSR 2635 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix III (1998) 14 TSR 3140 - Birthright - Blood Spawn: Creatures of Light and Shadow (2000) 15 Other sources 15.1 Spelljammer 15.2 Forgotten Realms 15.2.1 TSR1060 - Ruins of Undermountain (1991) 15.2.2 TSR9326 - The Drow of the Underdark (1991) 15.2.3 TSR1083 - Menzoberranzan (1992) 15.2.4 TSR1084 - Ruins of Myth Drannor (1993) 15.2.5 TSR1085 - Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (1993) 15.2.6 TSR9563 - Powers & Pantheons (1997) 15.3 Dragonlance 15.3.1 TSR9294 - Dragon's Rest (1990) 15.3.2 TSR9334 - Wild Elves (1991) 15.3.3 TSR9344 - Taladas: The Minotaurs (1991) 15.3.4 TSR9382 - Flint's Axe (1992) 15.4 Al-Qadim 15.4.1 TSR1077 - Land of Fate (1992) 15.4.2 TSR9366 - Golden Voyages (1992) 15.4.3 TSR1091 - City of Delights (1993) 15.4.4 TSR9431 - Assassin Mountain (1993) 15.4.5 TSR9433 - Secrets of the Lamp (1993) 15.4.6 TSR9440 - Ruined Kingdoms (1994) 15.4.7 TSR9449 - Corsairs of the Great Sea (1994) 15.5 Planescape 15.5.1 TSR2600 - Planescape Campaign Setting (1994) 15.5.2 TSR2603 - Planes of Chaos (1994) 15.5.3 TSR2607 - Planes of Law (1995) 15.5.4 TSR2615 - Planes of Conflict (1995) 15.6 Dark Sun 15.6.1 TSR2400 - Dark Sun Campaign Setting (1991) 15.6.2 TSR2432 - City by the Silt Sea (1994) 15.6.3 TSR2437 - Thri-Kreen of Athas (1995) 15.6.4 TSR2438 - Dark Sun Campaign Setting (1995) 15.6.5 TSR2444 - The Wanderer's Chronicle: Mind Lords of the Last Sea (1996) 15.7 Birthright 15.7.1 TSR3100 - Birthright Campaign Setting (1995) 15.8 Greyhawk 15.8.1 TSR11374 - The Scarlet Brotherhood (1999) 15.9 Other sources 15.9.1 TSR9506 - Chronomancer (1995) 15.9.2 TSR9569 - The Illithiad (1998) 16 References MC1–5 Monstrous Compendiums[edit] [show]TSR 2102 - MC1 - Monstrous Compendium Volume One (1989) – ISBN 0-88038-738-6 [show]TSR 2103 - MC2 - Monstrous Compendium Volume Two (1989) – ISBN 0-88038-753-X [show]TSR 2104 - MC3 - Monstrous Compendium - Forgotten Realms Appendix (1989) – ISBN 0-88038-769-6 [show]TSR 2105 - MC4 - Monstrous Compendium - Dragonlance Appendix (1990) – ISBN 0-88038-822-6 [show]TSR 2107 - MC5 - Monstrous Compendium - Greyhawk Appendix (1990) – ISBN 0-88038-836-6 MC6–10 Monstrous Compendiums[edit] [show]TSR 2116 - MC6 - Monstrous Compendium - Kara-Tur Appendix (1990) – ISBN 0-88038-851-X [show]TSR 2109 - MC7 - Monstrous Compendium - Spelljammer Appendix (1990) – ISBN 0-88038-871-4 [show]TSR 2118 - MC8 - Monstrous Compendium - Outer Planes Appendix (1991) – ISBN 1-56076-055-9 [show]TSR 2119 - MC9 - Monstrous Compendium - Spelljammer Appendix (1991) – ISBN 1-56076-071-0 [show]TSR 2122 - MC10 - Monstrous Compendium - Ravenloft Appendix (1991) – ISBN 1-56076-108-3 MC11–15 Monstrous Compendiums[edit] [show]TSR 2125 - MC11 - Monstrous Compendium - Forgotten Realms Appendix II (1991) – ISBN 1-56076-111-3 [show]TSR 2405 - MC12 - Monstrous Compendium - Dark Sun Appendix: Terrors of the Desert (1992) – ISBN 1-56076-272-1 [show]TSR 2129 - MC13 - Monstrous Compendium - Al-Qadim Appendix (1992) – ISBN 1-56076-370-1 [show]TSR 2132 - MC14 - Monstrous Compendium - Fiend Folio Appendix (1992) – ISBN 1-56076-428-7 [show]TSR 2139 - MC15 - Monstrous Compendium - Ravenloft Appendix II: Children of the Night (1993) – ISBN 1-56076-586-0 TSR 2140 - Monstrous Manual (1993)[edit] [show]TSR 2140 - Monstrous Manual (1993) – ISBN 1-56076-619-0 TSR 2602 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix (1994)[edit] [show]TSR 2602 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix (1994) – ISBN 1-56076-862-2 TSR 2501 - Monstrous Compendium - Mystara Appendix (1994)[edit] [show]TSR 2501 - Monstrous Compendium - Mystara Appendix (1994) – ISBN 1-56076-875-4 TSR 2153 - Monstrous Compendium - Ravenloft Appendix III: Creatures of Darkness (1994)[edit] [show]TSR 2153 - Monstrous Compendium - Ravenloft Appendix III: Creatures of Darkness (1994) – ISBN 1-56076-914-9 Monstrous Compendium Annuals[edit] [show]TSR 2145 - Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) – ISBN 1-56076-838-X [show]TSR 2158 - Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995) – ISBN 0-7869-0199-3 [show]TSR 2166 - Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) – ISBN 0-7869-0449-6 [show]TSR 2173 - Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (1998) – ISBN 0-7869-1212-X TSR 2433 - Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr (1995)[edit] [show]TSR 2433 - Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr (1995) – ISBN 0-7869-0097-0 TSR 2613 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix II (1995)[edit] [show]TSR 2613 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix II (1995) – ISBN 0-7869-0173-X TSR 2162 - Ravenloft Monstrous Compendium Appendices I & II (1996)[edit] [show]TSR 2162 - Ravenloft Monstrous Compendium Appendices I & II (1996) – ISBN 0-7869-0392-9 TSR 2524 - Savage Coast Monstrous Compendium Appendix (1996)[edit] [show]TSR 2524 - Savage Coast Monstrous Compendium Appendix (1996) TSR 2635 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix III (1998)[edit] [show]TSR 2635 - Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix III (1998) – ISBN 0-7869-0751-7 TSR 3140 - Birthright - Blood Spawn: Creatures of Light and Shadow (2000)[edit] [show]TSR 3140 - Birthright - Blood Spawn: Creatures of Light and Shadow (2000) Other sources[edit] This section lists fictional creatures for AD&D 2nd edition from various sources not explicitly dedicated to presenting monsters. Primarily, these are the separate sourcebooks and expansions for the Forgotten Realms, Al-Qadim and other campaign settings produced by TSR. Spelljammer[edit] [show]TSR1049 - Spelljammer: AD&D Adventures In Space (1989) [show]TSR9280 - Lost Ships (1990) [show]TSR1065 - The Legend of Spelljammer (1991) [show]TSR9409 - Krynnspace (1993) Forgotten Realms[edit] TSR1060 - Ruins of Undermountain (1991)[edit] The Forgotten Realms Ruins of Undermountain boxed set included 8 unnumbered 5-hole punched loose-leaf pages of creature descriptions in Monstrous Compendium format. ISBN 1-56076-061-3 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Beholder (Elder Orb) Monstrous Manual (1993), Black Spine (1994), I, Tyrant (1996), Lords of Madness (2005) Beholder-kin (Death Kiss) Monstrous Manual (1993), Black Spine (1994), I, Tyrant (1996), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Lords of Madness (2005), Dragon Compendium, Volume 1 (2005) Darktentacles Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995), Monster Manual II (2002) Ibrandlin Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996), Priest's Spell Compendium, Volume One (1999), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) Scaladar Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995), City of Splendors: Waterdeep (2005) Sharn Netheril: Empire of Magic (1996), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Anauroch: The Empire of the Shade (2007), Forgotten Realms Campaign Guide (2008) Slithermorph None Snakes, Flying Races of Faerûn (2003) Flying Fang and Deathfang Steel Shadow None Watchghost Wizard's Spell Compendium, Volume One (1996), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) TSR9326 - The Drow of the Underdark (1991)[edit] This 128-page softbound book provides additional details on the history, culture and society of the dark elves, and includes 9 additional creature descriptions in Monstrous Compendium format on pages 113-127. ISBN 1-56076-132-6 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Bat, Deep 113-114 Dragon #90 (1984), D&D Master Rules (1985) (Werebat), Monstrous Compendium Ravenloft Appendix (1991) (Werebat), Dungeons & Dragons Rules Cyclopedia (1991) (Werebat), Monstrous Compendium Forgotten Realms Appendix (1991), 1991 Trading Cards Set #383 (Werebat), Night Howlers (1992) (Werebat), Monstrous Manual (1993), Ravenloft Monstrous Compendium Appendices I & II (1996) (Werebat), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) (Night Hunter, Sinister) Azmyth, Night Hunter, Sinister and Werebat Dragon, Deep 115-116 Monstrous Compendium Forgotten Realms Appendix (1991), Monstrous Manual (1993), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), D&D Miniatures: Underdark set #52 (2005), Drow of the Underdark (2007), Draconomicon (2008) (as "Purple Dragon") Myrlochar 117 Monsters of Faerûn (2001) Pedipalp 118-119 Queen of the Demonweb Pits (1980), Monster Manual II (1983), Tome of Horrors (2002) Large (Schizomida), Huge (Amblypygus) and Giant (Uropygi) Rothé, Deep 120-121 Fiend Folio (1981), Monstrous Manual (1993), Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (2001) Solifugid 122 Queen of the Demonweb Pits (1980), Monster Manual II (1983), Tome of Horrors (2002) Large, Huge and Giant Spider, Subterranean 123-124 Ruins of Undermountain (1991) (Hunting as "Spider, Flying", Watch), Monstrous Manual (1993), City of Splendors (1994) (Watch), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) (Hairy, Sword), Faiths and Pantheons (2002) (Hairy), City of Splendors: Waterdeep (2005) (Watch) Hairy, Hunting, Sword and Watch Spitting Crawler 125 Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (2001) Yochlol 126-127 Queen of the Demonweb Pits (1980), Monster Manual II (1983), Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix II (1995), Villains' Lorebook (1998), Dungeon #84 (2001), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Fiendish Codex I (2006), Demon Queen's Enclave (2008) TSR1083 - Menzoberranzan (1992)[edit] The Forgotten Realms Menzoberranzan boxed set included 7 pages of creature descriptions in Monstrous Compendium format, bound into the first book of the set (The City) on pages 88–94. ISBN 1-56076-460-0 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Alhoon (Illithilich) 88 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996), The Illithiad (1998), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Lords of Madness (2005), D&D Miniatures: Night Below #38 (2007) Cloaker Lord 89 Monsters of Faerûn (2001) Foulwing 90 Dragon #197 (1993), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Lost Empires of Faerûn (2005) Lizard, Subterranean 91 Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (2001), Dungeon #94 (2002) Pack Lizard Riding Lizard 92 Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (2001) Wingless Wonder 93-94 Dragon #40 (1980), Wizard's Spell Compendium, Volume Four (1998), Secrets of the Magister (2000) True and Transformed TSR1084 - Ruins of Myth Drannor (1993)[edit] The Forgotten Realms The Ruins of Myth Drannor boxed set included 8 unnumbered 5-hole punched loose-leaf pages of creature descriptions in Monstrous Compendium format. ISBN 1-56076-569-0 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Aratha (Killer Beetle) Monstrous Manual (1993) Baelnorn Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Cormanthyr: Empire of Elves (1998), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) Blazing Bones Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Doomsphere (Ghost Beholder) Monstrous Manual (1993), Black Spine (1994), I, Tyrant (1996), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) Electrum Dragon Dragon #74 (1983), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Fang Dragon Dragon #134 (1988), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Draconomicon (2003), D&D Miniatures: War of the Dragon Queen set #48 (2006), Draconomicon (2008) (as "Gray Dragon") Dread Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Lost Empires of Faerûn (2005) Feystag (Calygraunt) Dragon #89 (1989) (as "Calygraunt"), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Lythlyx Dragon #43 (1980), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Magebane Dragon #140 (1988), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Metalmaster (Sword Slug) Dragon #139 (1988), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Lost Empires of Faerûn (2005) Naga, Bone Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monster Manual II (2002), Serpent Kingdoms (2004), D&D Miniatures: Unhallowed set #34, Monster Manual (2008) Ormyrr Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monster Manual II (2002) Windghost Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monster Manual II (2002) Xantravar (Stinging Horror) Dragon #140 (1988), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Xaver Dragon #94 (1985), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) TSR1085 - Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (1993)[edit] The Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (2nd edition) boxed set included 8 unnumbered 5-hole punched loose-leaf pages of creature descriptions in Monstrous Compendium format. ISBN 1560766174 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Aballin Monstrous Compendium Fiend Folio Appendix (1992), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) Baneguard Shadowdale (1989), Ruins of Undermountain (1991), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Lost Empires of Faerûn (2005) Direguard Bonebat Halls of the High King (1990), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) Battlebat Deepspawn Dwarves Deep (1990), Monstrous Manual (1993), Pool of Radiance: Attack on Myth Drannor (2000), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Lost Empires of Faerûn (2005) Dracolich Dragon #110 (1986), Waterdeep and the North (1987), Monstrous Compendium Volume Three: Forgotten Realms Appendix (1989), 1991 Trading Cards #251, Monstrous Manual (1993), 1993 Trading Cards #387, Cult of the Dragon (1998), Draconomicon (2003), Dragon #344 "The Ecology of the Dracolich" (2006), D&D Miniatures: War of the Dragon Queen set #31 (2006), Dragon: Monster Ecologies (2007), Monster Manual (2008) Gambado Fiend Folio (1981), Monstrous Compendium Fiend Folio Appendix (1992), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Tome of Horrors (2002) Gibbering Mouther Lost Tamoachan (1979), Hidden Shrine of Tamoachan (1979), Monster Manual II (1983), Dragon #160 "The Ecology of the Gibbering Mouther" (1990), Assassin Mountain (1993), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monster Manual (2000, 2003), D&D Miniatures: Aberrations set #50 (2004), Lords of Madness (2005), Monster Manual (2008) Gibberling Fiend Folio (1981), Monstrous Compendium Fiend Folio Appendix (1992), Monstrous Manual (1993), Dragon #265 (1999), Monsters of Faerûn (2001) Helmed Horror Halls of the High King (1990), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Priest's Spell Compendium, Volume Three (2000), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Dragon #302 (2002), Lost Empires of Faerûn (2005), D&D Miniatures: Underdark set #37 (2005), Monster Manual (2008) Lock Lurker Dragon #139 (1988), Haunted Halls of Evening Star (1992), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Priest's Spell Compendium, Volume Three (2000) Naga, Dark Dragon #89 (1984), Anauroch (1991), Monstrous Compendium Forgotten Realms Appendix (1991), Dragon #261 "The Ecology of the Dark Naga: Fool Me Twice" (1999), Monster Manual (2000, 2003), D&D Miniatures: Underdark set #33 (2005), Monster Manual (2008) Nishruu Halls of the High King (1990), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), Lost Empires of Faerûn (2005) Quaggoth Fiend Folio (1981), Monstrous Compendium Fiend Folio Appendix (1992), Monstrous Manual (1993), Dragon #265 (1999), Monsters of Faerûn (2001), D&D Miniatures: War Drums set #57 (2006), Drow of the Underdark (2007) Skum Polyhedron #67 (1992), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Monster Manual (2000, 2003) Tressym Haunted Halls of Evening Star (1992), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994), Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (2001), Lost Empires of Faerûn (2005) TSR9563 - Powers & Pantheons (1997)[edit] The Forgotten Realms campaign expansion Powers & Pantheons by Eric L. Boyd contained next to the description of many deities also new creatures. ISBN 0-7869-0657-X Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Divine Minion 187 Planescape Campaign Setting (1994) (Minion of Set) Magical servants of Mulhorandi deities with the ability to shapechange into specific animals. Elder Eternal Evil 188-191 Dendar the Night Serpent, Kezef the Chaos Hound, Ityak-Ortheel, the Elf-Eater Titanic mythological evil creatures from the Outer Planes related to Abeir-Toril's prehistory Shade 192 Monster Manual II (1983), Dragon #126 "The Ecology of the Shade" (1987), Dragon #213 (1995), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (1998), Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (2001), Races of Faerûn (2003), Dragon #307 (2003), Forgotten Realms Campaign Guide (2008) Humans or demihumans imbued with the essence of the Plane of Shadow Dragonlance[edit] TSR9294 - Dragon's Rest (1990)[edit] The Dragonlance adventure Dragon's Rest by Rick Swan contained three new fictional creatures. Its TSR product code was DLA3. ISBN 0-88038-869-2 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Chronolily 57 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995) Immense sentient flower whose nectar reveals images of the past, present and future. Chulcrix 58 Gigantic carnivorous worm with two pincers dwelling on the Ethereal plane. Gk'lok-Lok 59 Tribal creatures consisting of stalk-like tendrils that spend their lives dormant, re-experiencing the lives of dead warriors. TSR9334 - Wild Elves (1991)[edit] The Dragonlance adventure Wild Elves by Scott Bennie contained six new fictional creatures. Its TSR product code was DLS4. ISBN 1-56076-140-7 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Curotai 56 Kagonesti transformed into six-armed ferocious evil fighter. Dragon, Spider 57 Dragon-like evil creature with spider-legs and eyes. Handmaiden of Takhisis 58 Jiathuli Powerful evil entity with many spell-casting abilities serving Takhisis. Ice Vampire 59 Undead Kagonesti with the ability to manipulate cold and a hunger for the warmth of living creatures. Spider Horse 60 Predatory hybrid between a spider and a horse. Weapon, Living 61 Evil spirit animating a melee weapon. TSR9344 - Taladas: The Minotaurs (1991)[edit] The Dragonlance game accessory Taladas: The Minotaurs by Colin McComb contained several new creatures. Its TSR product code was DLR2. ISBN 1-56076-150-4 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Children of the Sea 61 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (1998) Child of the Sea and Accantus Human-like aquatic race that reproduces with humans. Accanta are wild and aggressive versions of the children of the sea that possess additional powers. Grain Nymph 62 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (1998) Cultivated relatives of the nymph associated with farmland Yrasda 63 Aphelka, Thanic and Ushama Irda-like race closely linked to the sea with the ability to shapechange into a specific sea creature TSR9382 - Flint's Axe (1992)[edit] The Dragonlance adventure Flint's Axe by Tim Beach contained a new creature. Its TSR product code was DLQ2. ISBN 1-56076-422-8 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Tyin 32 Adult and larva 9-foot-tall (2.7 m) grotesque semi-intelligent humanoid predator that can spit acid. Al-Qadim[edit] TSR1077 - Land of Fate (1992)[edit] The Al-Qadim Land of Fate boxed set contains 8 unnumbered 5-hole punched loose-leaf pages in Monstrous Compendium format. ISBN 1-56076-329-9 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Genie of Zakhara, Dao Monstrous Compendium Volume One (1994), Monstrous Manual (1993) Genie of Zakhara, Djinni Monstrous Compendium Volume One (1994), Monstrous Manual (1993) Genie of Zakhara, Efreeti Monstrous Compendium Volume One (1994), Monstrous Manual (1993) Genie of Zakhara, Janni Monstrous Compendium Volume Two (1995), Monstrous Manual (1993) Genie of Zakhara, Marid Monstrous Compendium Volume Two (1995), Monstrous Manual (1993) Giant, Island Giant, Ogre Roc, Zakharan Common, Great and Two-Headed Yak-Man (Yikaria) Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995) TSR9366 - Golden Voyages (1992)[edit] The Al-Qadim Golden Voyages boxed set by David "Zeb" Cook contains 4 unnumbered 5-hole punched loose-leaf pages in Monstrous Compendium format, each with a full-page image of the creature described on the back. The TSR product code for the set was ALQ1. ISBN 1-56076-331-0 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Coelenite Coelenite Colony and Mass Colony Polyp colony with a mass mind, forming vaguely humanoid bodies from coral pieces. Ogrima Large evil humanoid resulting from breeding of an ogre and ogre mage. Sartani Up to 20-foot-tall (6.1 m) humanoid with crab-like head, arms and pincers. TSR1091 - City of Delights (1993)[edit] The Al-Qadim City of Delights boxed set contains 8 unnumbered 5-hole punched loose-leaf pages in Monstrous Compendium format. ISBN 1-56076-589-5 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Afanc (Gawwar Samakat) Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Afanc and Young Afanc Al-Jahar Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Cat, Winged Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Lesser and Greater Winged Cat Crypt Servant Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Genie, Tasked, Administrator Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Genie, Tasked, Harim Servant Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Ogre, Zakharan Opinicus Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Parasite Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Bloodring, Ear Seeker, Goldbug, Wizard Lice and Vilirij Pasari-Niml Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Warrior, Noble and Calipha Singing Tree Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Sirine Monstrous Manual (1993) Talking Bird Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Tatalla Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Vargouille Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix (1994) Vermin, Elemental Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One (1994) Air (Duster), Earth (Crawler), Fire (Flameling) and Water (Spitter) Elemental Vermin TSR9431 - Assassin Mountain (1993)[edit] The Al-Qadim Assassin Mountain boxed set contains 4 unnumbered 5-hole punched loose-leaf pages in Monstrous Compendium format. The TSR product code for the set was ALQ2. ISBN 1-56076-564-X All of the fictional creatures described in this accessory are included in the Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One, above, and are not reproduced here. TSR9433 - Secrets of the Lamp (1993)[edit] The Al-Qadim Secrets of the Lamp boxed set contains 4 unnumbered 5-hole punched loose-leaf pages in Monstrous Compendium format. The TSR product code for the set was ALQ4. ISBN 1-56076-647-6 All of the fictional creatures described in this set are included in either the Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume One or the Planescape Monstrous Compendium Appendix, above, and are not reproduced here. TSR9440 - Ruined Kingdoms (1994)[edit] The Al-Qadim Ruined Kingdoms boxed set by Steven Kurtz contains an 8-page booklet with non-player characters and monsters. ISBN 1-56076-815-0 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Segarran 1 Humanoid with the head and tail of a crocodile and the ability to assume human form; servants of the evil goddess Ragarra. Greater seggaran have additional magical powers and bat's wings. Serpent 8 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995) Herald and Teak Herald serpent: intelligent, good-aligned messengers of serpent lords. Teak serpent: a 30-ft long constrictor snake. TSR9449 - Corsairs of the Great Sea (1994)[edit] The Al-Qadim Corsairs of the Great Sea boxed set by Nicky Rea contains an 8-page booklet with monsters. ISBN 1-56076-867-3 All of the fictional creatures described in this set are included in the Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two, above, and are not reproduced here. Planescape[edit] TSR2600 - Planescape Campaign Setting (1994)[edit] The Planescape Campaign Setting boxed set contains a 32-page Monstrous Supplement booklet. ISBN 1-56076-834-7 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Aleax 2-3 Astral Searcher 4-5 Barghest 6-7 Cranium Rat 8-9 Dabus 10-11 Magman 12-13 Minion of Set 14-15 Powers & Pantheons (1997) (Divine Minion) Minion of Set and Shadow Priest Modron 16-23 Monodrone, Duodrone, Tridrone, Quadron, Pentadrone, Decaton, Nonaton, Octon, Septon, Hexton, Quinton, Quarton, Tertian, Secundus, Primus and Rogue Unit Nic'Epona 24-25 Spirit of the Air 26-27 Vortex 28-29 Yugoloth, Lesser - Marraenoloth 30-31 TSR2603 - Planes of Chaos (1994)[edit] The Planescape Planes of Chaos boxed set contains a 32-page Monstrous Supplement booklet. ISBN 1-56076-874-6 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Abyssal Lord 2-3 Graz'zt and Pazrael Asrai 4-5 Bacchae 6-7 Chaos Beast 8-9 Chaos Imp 10-11 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Fensir 12-13 Male, female and young Fensir, Fensir Mage and Rakka Howler 14-15 Lillend 16-17 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Murska 18-19 Oread 20-21 Oread and Snowhair Ratatosk 22-23 Tanar'ri, Lesser - Armanite 24-25 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Tanar'ri, Greater - Goristro 26-27 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Varrangoin (Abyssal Bat) 28-29 Lesser (types I-IV) and Greater Varrangoin (types V-VI) Viper Tree 30-31 Viper Tree and Larval Viper Tree TSR2607 - Planes of Law (1995)[edit] The Planescape Planes of Law boxed set contains a 32-page Monstrous Supplement booklet. ISBN 0-7869-0093-8 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Achaierai 2-3 Monstrous Compendium - Fiend Folio Appendix (1992) Archon 4-9 Monstrous Compendium - Outer Planes Appendix (1991) (Lantern, Hound, Warden, Sword and Tome) Lantern, Hound, Warden, Sword, Trumpet, Throne, Tome and Fallen Baatezu, Lesser - Kocrachon 10-11 Bezekira (Hellcat) 12-13 Monstrous Compendium - Fiend Folio Appendix (1992) Bladeling 14-15 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Busen 16-17 Formian 18-19 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Gear Spirit 20-21 Kyton 22-23 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Moigno 24-25 Parai 26-27 Rust Dragon 28-29 Zoveri 30-31 Monstrous Compendium - Outer Planes Appendix (1991) TSR2615 - Planes of Conflict (1995)[edit] The Planescape Planes of Conflict boxed set contains a 32-page Monstrous Supplement booklet. ISBN 0-7869-0309-0 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Aeserpent 2-3 Asuras 4-5 Monstrous Compendium - Al-Qadim Appendix (1992) Buraq 6-7 Monstrous Compendium - Al-Qadim Appendix (1992) Delphon 8-9 Diakk 10-11 Varath and Carcene Ethyk 12-13 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Gautiere 14-15 Linqua 16-17 Ni'iath 18-19 Phiuhl 20-21 Quesar 22-23 Slasrath 24-25 Vaath 26-27 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Warden Beast 28-29 Monstrous Compendium - Outer Planes Appendix (1991) Yugoloth, Greater - Baernaloth 30-31 Baernaloth and Demented Dark Sun[edit] TSR2400 - Dark Sun Campaign Setting (1991)[edit] The original Dark Sun Boxed Set for the Dark Sun campaign setting contains several pages of monster description in The Wanderer's Journal book, as well as in the A Little Knowledge adventure booklet. ISBN 0-7869-0162-4 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Animal, Domestic 85-86 Erdlu, inix, kank and mekillot Erdlu: large flightless scaled bird kept for meat and eggs; inix: 16-feet carnivorous lizard used for riding and transport; kank: 8-feet-long black insects kept as mounts and for honey; mekillot: 30-feet-long moundshaped foul-tempered lizards used as caravan beasts Belgoi 87 Belgoi appear human, but with long claws, toothless mouths, and webbed feet. They have a taste for the flesh of intelligent races. Braxat 88 It is difficult to tell whether the braxat are of mammalian or reptilian stock. Their backs are covered with shells and their heads have a lizard-like shape. But, they walk upright, can speak with a human-like voice, have opposable thumbs, and are warm-blooded. Dragon of Tyr 89 Fortunately, there is only one dragon in the Tyr region. Dune Freak (Anakore) 90 A race of dimwitted humanoids with bony, wedge-like heads, small ears, and beady eyes covered by clear membranes to prevent sand from scratching them. Gaj 91 A psionic horror, though physically it appears as a reptilian beetle six feet long. Giant, Athasian 92 Monstrous Compendium - Dark Sun Appendix: Terrors of the Desert (1992) Beasthead, desert and plains giant Beasthead: 20ft-tall hostile giants with an animal head; desert: 25ft-tall giants living on desert islands; plains: 25ft-tall giants raising herds on islands with scrub plains terrain Gith 93 A grotesque race that appear to be a mixture of elf and reptile. Jorzhal 94 About four feet tall, the jozhal is a small, two-legged reptile with a skinny tail, a long flexible neck, and a narrow snout. Silk Wyrm 95 A snake with a hard, chitinous shell that measure over 50 feet in length. Tembo 96 A despicable, furless, tawny-colored beast covered with loose folds of scaly hide. Kluzd 15 Snake-like reptiles that inhabit mudflats, ten feet long and two to three feet in diameter. They can swallow a grown man whole. Wezer 16 worker, soldier, brood queen Enormous flying insects that make underground hives in the desert. TSR2432 - City by the Silt Sea (1994)[edit] The City by the Silt Sea campaign expansion box for the Dark Sun campaign setting by Shane Lacy Hensley contains a 32-page Monstrous Supplement. ISBN 1-56076-882-7 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Absalom (Unique Morg) 2-3 High Priest of Dregoth, an undead, mummy-like dray Caller in the Darkness 4-5 Supernatural storm of trapped spirits that inspires fear and draws in psionicists within its reach Dragon Beetle 6-7 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995) 1-foot-long (0.30 m) horned beetle living in groups with a poison dangerous to drakes, dragons and dray Dray 8-9 Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr (1995) Race of tall, lean, draconic humanoids created from humans by Dregoth Dregoth, the Undead Dragon King 10-11 Dark Sun Campaign Setting (1995) Undead Dragon of Tyr, a mighty human sorcerer-psionicist transformed into a dragon-like being Dwarf, Cursed Dead 12-13 Intelligent undead dwarves capable of attaking by shooting their sinews at an opponent Kalin 14-15 Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr (1995), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995) Kalin and Kalin Rider 12-foot-long (3.7 m) aggressive insectoid creatures used as mounts by kalin riders. Kalin riders: Elite templar troops of Dregoth Krag 16-17 Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr (1995) Undead with special powers related to the element or paraelement that killed it Kragling 18-19 Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr (1995) Lesser and greater Skeletal Undead created and controlled by a krag and associated with that krag's element Pit Snatchers 20-21 Elemental-like creature made of smoking tar that tries to drag its victims into the tar pit it lives in Sharg 22-23 40-foot water creature resembling a crossbreed between a giant shark and a squid Silt Serpent 24-25 Normal and giant Poisonous serpent with psionic sensory powers, inhabiting the shallows of the Silt Sea Silt Spawn 26-27 Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr (1995) The young of a Silt Horror, this tentacled creature lives in groups in the shallows of the Sea of Silt Venger 28-29 Undead relentlessly seeking to destroy someone who did it a great wrong Wall-Walker 30-31 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Two (1995) 5-foot-long (1.5 m), scaled, spider-like subterranean creature using chameleon-like powers and paralytic poison to torment its victims TSR2437 - Thri-Kreen of Athas (1995)[edit] The Dark Sun campaign setting accessory Thri-Kreen of Athas by Tim Beach and Dori Hein contains three monster descriptions. ISBN 0-7869-0125-X Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Trin 125 Dark Sun Monstrous Compendium Appendix II: Terrors Beyond Tyr 9-foot-long (2.7 m) moderately intelligent insectoid creatures with four legs and two clawed arms, primitive relatives to thri-kreen Jalath'gak 126 Normal and giant 13-foot-long (4.0 m) predatory winged insect appearing in swarms Zik-trin'ak 127 Thri-kreen warrior caste enhanced for combat from normal members of their species TSR2438 - Dark Sun Campaign Setting (1995)[edit] The expanded and revised Campaign setting boxed set for Dark Sun contains several pages of monster description in The Wanderer's Chronicle booklet. ISBN 0-7869-0162-4 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Animal, Domestic 123-124 Erdlu, inix, kank and mekillot Erdlu: large flightless scaled bird kept for meat and eggs; inix: 16-feet carnivorous lizard used for riding and transport; kank: 8-feet-long black insects kept as mounts and for honey; mekillot: 30-feet-long moundshaped foul-tempered lizards used as caravan beasts Dregoth, the Undead Dragon King 125-125 City by the Silt Sea (1994) Undead Dragon of Tyr, a mighty human sorcerer-psionicist transformed into a dragon-like being Giant, Athasian 127-128 Monstrous Compendium - Dark Sun Appendix: Terrors of the Desert (1992) Beasthead, desert and plains giant Beasthead: 20ft-tall hostile giants with an animal head; desert: 25ft-tall giants living on desert islands; plains: 25ft-tall giants raising herds on islands with scrub plains terrain TSR2444 - The Wanderer's Chronicle: Mind Lords of the Last Sea (1996)[edit] The Wanderer's Chronicle: Mind Lords of the Last Sea book in the Dark Sun campaign setting accessory box of the same name by Matt Forbeck contains ten pages of descriptions of NPCs and monsters. ISBN 0-7869-0367-8 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Dolphin, Athasian 78-79 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four Giant, Crag 80 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four Kreel 84 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (as Fish, Athasian) Lizard Man, Athasian 87-88 Puddingfish 89 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (as Fish, Athasian) Shark, Athasian 90 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (as Fish, Athasian) Skyfish 91 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (as Fish, Athasian) Squark 92-93 Birthright[edit] TSR3100 - Birthright Campaign Setting (1995)[edit] Within the Birthright Campaign Setting box were a set of cardsheet, separate from the books. Beyond rules summaries and handy charts, several unique monsters were presented. Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Dragon, Cerilian card 7 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) A dragon variant unique to this setting, with a breath weapon of a stream of burning venom. Giant, Cerilian card 7 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Forest, Ice Goblin, Cerilian card 8 Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three (1996) Orog card 8 A subterranean race of miners and warriors that inhabit Cerilia's mountain ranges. The Gorgon card 9 One of the awnsheghlien, he is the regent of The Gorgon's Crown in North Anuire. Rhuobhe Manslayer card 10 One of the awnsheghlien, an elf twisted by his hatred and pledge to exterminate all humanity. The Seadrake card 11 One of the awnsheghlien, a merchant who transformed into a massive sea serpent over centuries. The Spider card 12 One of the awnsheghlien, a goblin who became an arachnoid monster, and regent of The Spiderfell. Greyhawk[edit] TSR11374 - The Scarlet Brotherhood (1999)[edit] The Greyhawk campaign setting accessory The Scarlet Brotherhood by Sean Reynolds contains the descriptions of seven monsters. Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Bredthrall (slave races) 87-88 Komazar, Kurg, Rullhow Gibbering Mouther, Greater 89 Gibberspawn Onco 90 Ravenous 91 Su-Monkey 91 Thousandtooth 93 Tolkasazotz (Olman Bat-Vampire) 94 Other sources[edit] TSR9506 - Chronomancer (1995)[edit] The Chronomancer game accessory by Loren Coleman contains 7 pages of monsters living on Temporal Prime, a fictitious dimension that allows time travel. ISBN 0-7869-0325-2 All of the fictional creatures described in this accessory are included in the Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Three, above, and are not reproduced here. TSR9569 - The Illithiad (1998)[edit] The Illithiad game accessory by Bruce R. Cordell from the Monstrous Arcana series contains 7 pages of monsters linked to the illithids. ISBN 0-7869-1206-5 Creature Page Other appearances Variants Description Elder Brain 92-93 10-foot-diameter (3.0 m) brain with psionic abilities, that is the center of an illithid community. Urophions 90, 94 Lords of Madness (2005) Cross between roper and illithid that looks like a rocky outcropping and has hidden tentacles. Neothelid 90-91, 95 Psionics Handbook (2001) Worm-like creature 10 feet (3.0 m) in diameter and 100 feet (30 m) long with four long tentacles protruding from the lamprey-like maw. Gohlbrorn 96 Dragon Annual #1 (1996), Monstrous Compendium Annual Volume Four (1998) (as Bulette, Gohlbrorn) Subterranean predator; a smaller, more intelligent relative of the bulette. [show] v t e Dungeons & Dragons References[edit] Jump up ^ Wienecke-Janz, Detlef, ed. (2002). Lexikon der Zauberwelten - Gandalf & Co. Wissen Media Verlag. p. 12. ISBN 3-577-13505-0. Jump up ^ "The Bos is Back". wizards.com. Retrieved 17 December 2010. Jump up ^ "Wizards Celebrates Birthright's Anniversary". Wizards.com. Retrieved 2010-11-07. Categories: Lists of fictional speciesDungeons & Dragons creatures

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How did the Jew escape the concentration camp? He didn't he was caught and put in the gas chamber.

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Who's a pedophile and not afraid to show it? The clown from McDonald

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knock knock whos there i dont know. go look

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What's black and white and in the desert? Tourists being held hostage by a tribe.

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According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

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What did the orphan get for his birthday? Shit on.

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What did the teenage girl get for her birthday? Pregnant.

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What's black and white and red all over? A nun that was stabbed to death.

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What did the man order at KFC, in Miami? A face.

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A construction worker walks into a bar. He says "Ow! That hurt!" And walked in the opposite direction to the manager to complaint about the obvious health code violations of this site.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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