How do you get your lawyer to shut up. Hit him with a bat.

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Chris is hairy

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had escaped from the farmer's field. The family were not too disheartened, as the rest were still contained.

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd probably put all the labials, coronals and dorsals in separate places sorted into plosives, nasals and fricatives, with the vowels at the beginning sorted by their relative IPA chartings, to make it more logical and easily attainable to foreigners.

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An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" The Irish man looks down at it, dumbfounded. "I have absolutely no idea," he says, and removes it.

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A man with a badly injured arm is sitting in a hospital. He says, "Doctor, when my arm heals, will I be able to play the violin?" The doctor says, "With proper medical attention and rest, yes, you will be able to." The man says, "That's great! Before I was hurt, I really enjoyed playing the violin."

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Yo momma so fat that they've diagnosed her with type 2 diabetes and she has an extremely elevated risk of heart disease. You should really encourage her to try and eat better and get more exercise.

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what did the homeless man get for Christmas? nothing.

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Q what r u eating under there? Aunderwear ewww thats nasty

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Knock knock Who’s there? The police, your family was killed in a horrific car crash on highway 22 this morning at 10:15 after they collided head on with a truck. They died instantly if it is any conciliation. We will contact you further into our investigation. Dave then poured himself a whiskey and thought about all the good times he and his family shared, teaching Jessica to ride a bike, his and Kate’s honeymoon in Honolulu, playing catch with Jacob. That’s when the full extremity of the situation hit Dave causing him to break into tears he sat and cried for three hours and fifteen minutes. Once he had gotten that out of his system he decided to visit his mother and tell her the horrible news. Knock Knock Who’s there? Dave Dave who? Again Dave breaks into tears as his grandmothers althsiemers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember her sons name. Feeling shattered he decides not to go through the process of explaining who he is and decides to head to the local pub to drown his sorrows. Bartender: hard day? Dave: my wife and two beautiful children were mauled in a head on collision with a truck and my mother can’t remember who I am. Bartender: yeah sure but was it a hard day? Dumbstruck with this ridiculous remark Dave pauses for a moment. The bar is silent only the sounds of bottles clinking and feet tapping on bar stools can be heard. Cigarette smoke hangs in the air. Dave stares at the bartender momentarily then throws his bottle at him send him off balance Dave then grabs the shot gun he knows the bartender keeps behind the counter and shoots the bartender at point blank range. Some customers run scared witless other try to control Dave but only end up in the same position as the bartender. Dave is left standing in a pool of blood. The smell of death hangs in the air with the cigarette smoke. Feeling slightly better Dave heads home and kills himself. Dave was an excellent plumber we will miss him.

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Knock knock Who's there? Barack obama

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Two Mexicans were sitting in the back of a car. They were carpooling to save gas.

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What did the Insomniac, Dyslexic Priest do? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

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A guy uses Google locations to find his friend Chuck Norris.

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Why did Susie fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Susie.

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Why did the computer explode into a million peices? It was thrown off the Empire State building.

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what did the panda say to the poachers? please stop killing my family.

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what did the penguin use as a napkin? a napkin

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When did the ball-room finally close? Closing time.

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Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

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What brown and squishy? um um um um melted kit-kats

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What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? One is a devotee of the torah, one is a delicious meal.

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Roses are Red, Violets are Blue I've just bought a chainsaw, and I will now decapitate you.

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A man walks off the top of a very tall building. Why did he fall off? Because he was blind

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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