A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "Devout Semites," the parrot replied.

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Two hippies walk into a bar. They are both asked to leave because they are in violation of the 'no shoes, no service' policy.

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Why don't women wear watches?...Because the economy is at an all-time low and it would be reasonable to presume that a person couldn't afford an item like this, thus, trying to budget in a watch that could cost anywhere from 50-100$ would be a risky financial move depending on their yearly salary.

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Nineteen terrorists walk into three airports. Several hours later, thousands of people are dead sending the world into a state of emergency that subsequently changed how we live our current lives under the constant threat of both government oppression and extremist terrorism.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? That is none of your concern as it invades his freedom of privacy.

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what is the difference between my pubes and my actualy hair on my head.... my pubes didnt fall off when i went trough chemo

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WOMENS RIGHTS

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what’s worse than 12 dead babies in one trash can? one dead baby in 12 trash cans

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Knock Knock Who's There Al Qaeda

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Welcome to Horsehead! 1. Our servers are derpy right now, do yourself a favor and never come back, oh yes they are gonna be derpy right then too! 2. THIS IS MY WORLD PEOPLE MYYYYY WOOOOOOOORLD!... ...Ps: My world sucks. 3. Antijokes 30000 per day, other stuff, Zero. (30000 by me) 4. You: People better like me because I dont like myself. Me: I like myself FUCK PEOPLE! FUCK YOU! (thats me on horsehead) welcome to die! 5. IRIS... IRIS! WHAT AM I TYPING FOOOOOOOOOOOOR!

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The horse walks into the bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?" the horse looks at him and says, "my wife just died."

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How do you make a clown stop smiling? Hit him in the face with an axe.

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Yo momma's so ugly. Most people do not enjoy looking at her

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Q: what did Timmy get for his 8th birthday A: killed MR

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What does the man do to his meat? He beats it.

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Q: What did Batman say when Robin was in the Batmobile? A: Robin, get out of the Batmobile.

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What did batman say to robin before they got in the car? Get in the car!

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guess what? i dont know, what? i dont know either, i thought you knew.

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There once was a man from Peru, Whose limericks all stopped on line two.

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roses are red violets are blue i take pleasure in the simple things in life as i have nothing else left to live for

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Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't, there is no reason for a chicken to need to cross a road.

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Yo mama is so hairy she should probably start shaving.

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How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Ask him to lower the volume a bit and maybe also play a quieter tune.

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Why do bats fly in circles? They're mentally retarded.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops