Math: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 4 in the other, what do I have?" Answer: "An unreasonable amount of bottles to hold in two hands."

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On Wednesday night, a drunk man was walking on the cliffs of dover. his funeral was saturday.

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Why did the woman spray a black man in the eyes with pepper spray, then promptly run away? Because the woman was a notorious criminal and was currently robbing the man's house, but was caught in the act so she used pepper spray as her last line of defense while she fled from the scene before the man could call the police to detain her and put her in prison for her crimes.

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Who smells like urine and his da is a registered sex offender with madeline mccann in his house? Aodhan hearty, May I also include he looks like a bug. Oh and don't forget the rot on his teeth, it is fucking disgusting. It really looks like he hasn't brushed his teeth in quite a substantial period of time, in my opinion, he is the only person who is actually comparible to sean.

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What did the guy say to helen keller nothing... according to helen keller

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Q: What did the angry German man say to the Ameican? A: I dont know, I can't speak German!

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Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. Chickens live on farms.

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Man 1: Is your refrigerator running? Man 2: Nope, broke last week.

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What did the blade of grass say to the other blade of grass? Nothing, as grass does not have the capability of speaking and does not have a brain, all it has is a complex life system where it feeds off water. If it were to say anything though, it would say, "Hey! We're both blades of grass!"

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Q. What do mummies do when they run out of toilet paper? A. Nothing - they're dead and inanimate.

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Jim and Larry work together. Jim works hard, and Larry is a bit of a prankster. One day, Jim is having a rather rough day, and Larry looks to cheer him up with a good-natured joke. Knowing that Jim's wife prepares dinner for him every night of the week, he calls her and tells her that their boss has decided to pay for a dinner out, that she should take the day off and just get ready for Jim to come home and pick her up. Larry will later follow up by calling a pizza delivery place and having them send a special no hard feeling message with two large delicious pizzas. He forgets to call the pizza delivery man until later that night, after which it's too late and he thinks "I'll just explain the joke to Jim tomorrow." And goes peacefully to sleep. Arriving home and finding that dinner is not prepared, Jim savagely beats his wife.

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An alcoholic walks into a bar.... I forgot the rest of the joke but your mother is a prostitute.

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SHE GOT A BIG BOOTY SO I CALL HER by her real name because she is a woman and worthy of my respect.

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What did the father say to his son? I'm leaving and I'm not actually your father.

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Knock knock Who's there? Derek the crazy man in the village and I have come to shoot you.

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? A tragic drowning victim. And later, food for sharks, probably.

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What did the jerk say to the Mexican? You are a Mexican

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all on a deserted island with no food or water. The redhead decides to try and swim to safety, but after a few hours of swimming she becomes to tired to carry on and drowns. After knowing their friend died, the two other women decide that swimming is not a viable option for rescue, so they decide to stay on the island. A few days later a search party rescues them.

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There's a tray of muffins in the oven. One muffin says, "man it's hot in here!" Another muffin says, "holy shit! A talking muffin!"

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What is worse than being eaten alive by a shark? Being force fed live goat intestines while Kevin Spacey rapes your father.

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What's puby and dandruffy? Aodhan Hearty

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Q: What's very loud, has 60 wheels, and is covered in snow? A: A massive car pile up in January that was caused by a women being distracted while Texting. 7 people were killed.

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If pro is the opposite of con what's the opposite of progress? Retrogression.

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What is your name, sir? My name is not Sir, my name is Jeff.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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