Harry to Voldemort: Your mother is so fat, her patronus is a cake!

thumb_up thumb_down +22

A man is on an operating table. His heart stops beating and he suddenly finds himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter approaches him. "Welcome, my son," St. Peter says. "I can't believe it," the man exclaims, "I've died and gone to Heaven! I-" St. Peter interrupts him. "Not quite yet, my son. You must first answer three questions. You will only enter Heaven if I deem you fit to do so." The man nervously agrees. "All right. First question," St. Peter says. "Did you ever commit a sin and never sought forgiveness?" The man thinks long and hard. "No, I always made sure to apologize." "Splendid," St. Peter responds. "Did you attend church every Sunday?" The man loses some of his former confidence. "I may have missed the odd week." "That's fine," says St. Peter. "One last question... Do you believe you are worthy of entering the Gates of Heaven?" The man answers nervously, "Well... yes, yes I do." St. Peter smiles. "Congratulations, my son. You have passed the test, and may enter Heaven!" The man is ecstatic as the pearly gates open up for him. He enters Heaven and is astounded by its magnificent beauty. The man then loses all brain function and dies on the operating table.

thumb_up thumb_down +22

What did the man on the moon say? ...Im on the moon.

thumb_up thumb_down +22

what did the cripple, the cancer guy, the blonde, and the blackguy have in common they all have no reason to live

thumb_up thumb_down +22

yo mama is so hairy she has afros on her nipples

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Why did the boy fall of his bike? He's learning to ride and understandably lost his balance.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Q. How do you wake up a sleeping rich man? A. By splashing acid in his face

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Hickory Dickory Dock. 2 mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one.. and the second one got away with major injuries, dying in a hospital three days later. The clock is now serving its 8th year in jail out of 25 years, and does not regret anything.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

How long does it take you to count to 5? 5 seconds.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

What is Mary short for? She has no legs.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

What did the jobless man get for Christmas? Fired...

thumb_up thumb_down +20

your momma is so fat she has diabetes

thumb_up thumb_down +20

why was the teenage girl crying? She was molested as a child

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree Because it died

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Why did the man throw a clock? In retaliation for his wife having thrown a vase at him. The couple has a history of domestic violence. More than one friend has suggested counselling.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Okay, you seem sincere enough, thing is that I trust you, but your buddies, if you can vouch for them, then I at least know that you are putting your stepmother in danger if you decide to cover for your friends, besides you being such an emotional crybaby kinda gets me into trusting you again.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Roses are grey Violettes are grey I am colour blind And I suck at rhymes

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Where did the guy who shot his neighbor go? Jail, because he was caught, sent to court, and was convicted of murder.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

How did superman always save the day? Because he was a fictional tv actor so he could do whatever he wanted to.

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Q. The farmer said where's my bucket A. Somewhere

thumb_up thumb_down +20

yo mamma so fat that when she goes out in high heels she comes back in flip flops

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Sorry babe, even if I was I would not tell you, the entire place is surrounded, but within enough of a distance, so we will plant a nice setup around the green shack so everyone assumes his deal was some solo operation, if someone else is heading at his direction now, you are gonna get busted, so you better stay down.

thumb_up thumb_down +18

Why did the boy stay in the closet? Because the door was locked.

thumb_up thumb_down +18

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops