- Anti Joke

how do you turn your dishwasher into a garbage disposal? make her take out the trash.

What do you call a man with leaves on his head? Steve, he's on camouflage training in the Army.

Q: Why was the boy so sad? A: His parents were just killed in a car wreck, therefore orphaning him and his five brothers and sisters and leaving them with no money, food, or shelter due to lack of steady income and the fact that their house had been foreclosed on.

lol

What's more fun than throwing a dead baby off a cliff? Go-carts

What do u call a woman geometry teacher. Santains wife.

A man walks into a bar with a monkey...I forget the rest but your mother is a hor.

a black man walked into a black bar. what color was the bar afterwards? the same color. its a drinking spot not a pole

A farmer had a decent racing horse that one day had twins. He called the twins Edward and Tobias. The colts were incredibly healthy and competitive, from a young age they would run together. Whenever the farmer would lay out some new hay or corn feed, the two colts would race, pushing each other as hard as they could to see who would win. Tobias always won, but it was always a close race. The farmer, noticing how competitive they were, decided to enter them in a racing competition. Their first race both horses were very excited. Ed said to Tobias “Good luck, may the best horse win.” Tobias responded “Same to you, let’s beat these other guys!” Well the race started and Tobias and Edward took off, taking an early lead. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. The other horses were completely destroyed in comparison. “Good race!” Edward told Tobias, and Tobias agreed. The farmer realized that he had made bank, that somehow he found two golden tickets. He entered the horses into many other local competitions and every time his horses would destroy the other horses. It always ended with Tobias barely beating Edward. Eventually the two horses found themselves in a larger arena. They were at the state fair. Edward turned to Tobias and said “I’ll get you this time!” Tobias responded “Meh, I don’t actually care if you or I win, so long as we beat these other idiots!” Another horse snorts Edward said, “Good luck!” Tobias responded “You have good luck too!” The race started and Tobias and Edward took out of the gates. It was a tough race; the other horses were able to keep up with Edward and Tobias for the first lap. But the two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had a lead over the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. Panting, Edward congratulated Tobias. A few years went by and now Edward and Tobias were professional race horses. Their competition put them in the spot light of many the newspaper. Ever was Tobias the main headline though. Even as they got older, Tobias would always beat Edward. One day they found themselves in the Kentucky Derby. In the starting gates, Edward turned to Tobias and said “I will get you this time, I know it! This is the race, here, in front of all these people.” Tobias responded “We’ll see brother, first we have to beat these other horses. None of them are poor runners either.” “Agreed,” Edward responded, “But it would be nice to beat you just once.” “You’ve always been the one who pushed me so hard.” Tobias responded. Edward said back, “And you’re the reason I’ve always worked so hard too.” Another horse vomited in its starting gate. The gun went off, the gates opened up. Tobias and Edward took off. They were trailing the leaders, but didn’t seem to mind, they were in their own world. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had caught up with the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. It finished with Tobias in first and Edward a very, very close second with another horse right behind him. It was such a close race it came down to verifying with a photograph. Edward turned to Tobias, “I can’t believe you beat me, I tried so hard. Still, we just won the Kentucky Derby!!” Years later, after living luxurious lives where they were pampered by the farmer who found them and long after they were retired, Tobias turned to Edward and said. “Do you want to have one final race, for old time’s sake?” Edward responded, “I never could beat you, I always wanted to have a chance to do so, just to know what it feels like to win.” Tobias said “Tell you what, why don’t we have a race? Just like back when we were colts; let’s run to that feed mill over there and back to this fence three times.” Edward said “I don’t think I could take loosing again, after all this time, coming in second. I don’t know if I would want to live after another loss. I don’t have that much life in me any more.” Tobias said, “Tell you what, if it comes down to it, if it is really close, I’ll let you win. Just so you can know what it feels like. Yeah, it won’t be ‘real’ but you’ll get to know.” Edward agreed. “Ready, set, GO!” And both horses were off. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. It was almost as though the two old horses had the vitality of their youth again. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead again. On the third and final lap, close to finish, Edward was leading. It looked like he had the race in the bag. But suddenly Tobias seemed to get another final wind and he pushed ahead. He beat Edward. Tobias started prancing, victoriously, Edward, his soul crushed, lay down on the ground. The old farmer’s dog, who had known both horses since their infancy, came up to Tobias and said, “Tobias, why would you do that? Why would you crush your brother’s hopes and dreams like that? There was nothing riding on this race, no point. Why? Why? Why would you do that?” Upon hearing the dog, Edward stood up, he looked at his brother and said “Holy Shit, Toby, a talking dog!”

A rapist walks into a bar. He is promptly arrested afterwards.

Cleavlin has a shmaaala dik

Knock knock... Knock knock... Knock knock... Unfortunately, nobody was home to sign for Marks parcel.

why did the platypus fall out of a tree it couldnt even climb up the tree

what's the difference between a lion and an ostrich? they are both birds, a part from the lion

What's Kanye West's main goal in life? To dash the hopes and dreams of Taylor Swift on national television.

Abortion

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Cos he was out standing in his field!

A black man walks into a bar. The bartender says "I wont serve you." The black man says, "Why? Is it because of the color of my skin?" The bartender says, "No, its because your wearing a suit and on the front door it says no people in suits are allowed." So the black man took off his suit and was kindly served.

Why was the baby crying? He saw a nigga

What happens if you don't use a condom? The person you are sleeping with may get pregnant or contract some kind of STI or STD. In worse cases you or your partner may contract HIV or possibly AID's.

okay so three men are in a plane ( this is the type of plane you can open the windows) so the stewardess goes up to the first man he asks for a gun she agrees but hes gotta throw it out the window he confused but he does it anyways the stewardess goes to the second man he asks for a beer she agrees but he has to throw it out the window hes confused but he does it anyways the stewardess walks up the the third man he asks for a pack of C4 she agrees but hes gotta throw it out the window without hesitation he gets it and throws it out the window. so they land and the first man sees a women crieing i was walking down the street and got hit in the head by a gun and arested for being armed the second man sees a hobo cheering loudly hes says he was sleeping in the ally and it started raining budlight the third man shes a women hysterically laughing she says i was going to work and spilled my coffe then my house blew up!

3 brothers Mohammed, Ahmed and Saahad were on the 09:25 flight from Tehran to New York. They each only carried a rucksack each and a one way ticket. They are Syrian refugees and their parents are dead.

There are two muffins sitting in an oven, one muffin says to the other; boy it's hot in here. the other other muffin doesn't reply because it's a muffin, muffins don't talk. Now consider that the first muffin was a squirrel, A TALKING SQUIRREL!

Well, its Eliza again, sorry to bother you Nero, I always thought you where good looking but I know that when it comes to you its not about the looks, you are far more than meets the eye. Neo-Nero was the guy we met at a certain meeting, the arrogant guy with the big forehead whose arms where shaking remember? I wont reveal more for his sake, he did not mean bad, he was just angry like the rest of us and felt responsible, again like many of us. So when can we meet you? I assume you wont be arriving soon, but Id really apreciate seeing you again, and considering neither I nor my parents (I asked them) have the money to come visit you, id appreciate a loan or something.

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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