what cuts the grass on christmas eve and lives in mexico? JP I lied about Mexico jackin it in san diego

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why I am at the hospital now: True as it gets. I found on my working desk a small box of fluoride pills, I was like meh, but it said banana, strawberry, mint and pear, so I was like yeah! And grabbed a mouthful before going URGH! Then my friends entered laughing saying "I hope you do well on that test tomorrow!" So yeah, I passed out, and it turns out my "friends" (victims ill torture to they beg for death). 80 MG OF VALIUM!!! Yeah good trucking luck on my test eh? I nearly died twice, somehow, I think I should ask doc if my heart is okay or something, my head is fucked up the floor is all wavy and I cant differentiate numbers Seriously, one guy was gonna come visit say sorry, but he sent his girlfriend instead... My wife was so worried, that when I said: Mind if I have my vengeance by screwing his girlfriend? My wife said: I was so worried, you still okay? That actually sounds like a good scheme... So, yeah... I am typing this because, I am totally going to have a threesome... When and if my ever wakes up again... She agreed... She was always kinda into me but still! If you dont understand this, well... Next time, if you want to poison me, USE SOMETHING THAT KILLS ME! BECAUSE I WILL BE BACK!

thumb_up thumb_down -3

How many feet are in a yard? It depends how many people are in the yard.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

A man was arguing with his wife over the phone at a trainstation. She threatened to leave him he did not stop his physical abuse. The man became so mad he hung up the phone. He then noticed a blind man was grinning at the overheard discussion. The husband walked over and pushed the blind man on the tracks. He died

thumb_up thumb_down -3

An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are standing on the side of a cliff. The Englishman jumps off the cliff. The American also jumps off the cliff. He is followed by the Frenchman. Suicide and depression are major problems in today's world regardless of nationality.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why are stand up comedians called stand up comedians? Because they are standing up while telling jokes, dumby.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Once upon a time, there was a ghost. The ghost was sneaking up on a little girl when she turned around and asked the ghost "Are you a stalker or something?" The ghost, unable to reply (being a ghost) was then kicked in the shins. The End!

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What's black and white and red all over? The Nazi Flag in WW II

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What happened when the boy fell off of the bridge? He died

thumb_up thumb_down -3

human centipede

thumb_up thumb_down -3

what do you do when your girlfriend gives you head while playing MW3? continue to play while politely asking her sister to make you a sandwhich

thumb_up thumb_down -3

A Penguin Waddles into Abercrombie and Fitch.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

how do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? it doesn't matter. she can't climb up a tree with only one arm.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why did the janitor commit suicide? He was sick of people's shit.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Roses are bitches Violets are two, your mother is a bigger bitch then both

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What do you get when you mate a rhino with an elephant? Nothing. This mating cannot produce offspring.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why does manure smell like poop? Because it is poop.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What's worse than getting in a car accident? Being turned into dust and swarmed by bees while on fire

thumb_up thumb_down -3

what is the germans word for fat dick what is very fat hairy dick

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What do fruits and computers have in common. Microsoft.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

A man buys cocaine from a shady dealer in an alley. He then goes home and experiments with it and other chemicals, and later on invents Coca Cola

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why did the first Monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the second Monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first Monkey. Why did the bird fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What happened to the hungry child? He got out of Africa

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why did the chicken cross the road? Turns out he was needed immediately at a business meeting.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops