did you hear about the guy who got his left leg and left arm cut off? he's all right now

thumb_up thumb_down -9

A man stops another man on the street in Manhattan and asks "How do I get to Carnegie Hall ?" The other man gives him direction, including which subway stop to get off at.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

I man was taking a major shiit He forgot to wipe

thumb_up thumb_down -9

An old man walks across the street. Several cars start to honk in irritation, for they are in a hurry and the man is walking quite sluggishly.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

whats worse then getting a bad present on your birthday? dying.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Did you hear about the young couple that confused K-Y jelly with window caulking? All their windows fell out.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Doesn't matter, had sex. Except for the STD's I possibly contracted.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

A guy is taking a pee in the ocean and a fish swims up and drinks the pee. The fish says "thanks for the lemonade."

thumb_up thumb_down -9

A man dies on the operating table and finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St Peter looks at him and says " You are having a hallucination due to all the drugs they have given you and because your brain releases chemicals when you die. I am not real and there is not heaven or a god." Upon resuscitation the man contemplates his hallucination and becomes an Atheist.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Roses are red, violets are red, tulips are red, oh shit my gardens on fire!!!

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Why did the black man offer the girl flowers? It was his niece's birthday.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

What do you call a smelly black person? An African american with poor hygiene

thumb_up thumb_down -9

If a train leaves Chicago at 50 miles per hour, how hard does the baby strapped to the tracks get splattered?

thumb_up thumb_down -9

What do you call a person who hammers a nail into his forehead? A dumbass.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Wanna hear a joke? Women's Basketball

thumb_up thumb_down -9

How do u turn on a lamp? Flip the switch

thumb_up thumb_down -11

What did God say to the man who just died? Nothing. God and Heaven something parents make up so kids will do the right thing.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

A woman who lived alone with her parrot left her apartment to run to the store, forgetting that a plumber was scheduled to come and fix her sink. A few minutes later, the plumber arrived and knocked on the door. The parrot inside called out, "WHO IS IT?" The plumber replied, "it's the plumber. I've come to fix the sink." The plumber waited for a bit and, seeing that nobody was coming to the door, knocked again. The parrot called out, "WHO IS IT?" The plumber replied, a little more loudly, "it's the plumber! I've come to fix the sink!" Again the plumber waited. After a few more minutes, he knocked again. The parrot called out, "WHO IS IT?" The plumber yelled, as loudly as he could, "IT'S THE PLUMBER! I'VE COME TO FIX THE SINK!" Still, nobody came to the door. The plumber banged the door repeatedly, The parrot called out, "WHO IS IT?" The plumber screamed "IT'S...THE...PLUMBER!!! I'VE...COME...TO...FIX...THE...SIIIIIIINK!!!" and then, consumed with rage, clutched his chest and fell over dead from a stress-induced heart attack. A few minutes later, the woman returned home and, while opening her door, noticed the plumber lying dead in her hallway. She looked at her parrot and asked, "Who is it?" The parrot called out, "WHO IS IT?"

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Why couldn't Jimmy run in the track race? Because he has been paralyzed since he was 3, due to a horrible accident

thumb_up thumb_down -11

A father and son are involved in a car crash. The father is killed, sadly, but the boy is rushed to the hospital. The doctor prepares for surgery, and since this boy has no family-connections to her, she performs successful surgery on him, and the boy goes home after 3-5 days.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

A bear wakes up from hibernation and is hungry. He sees a nearby forest cabin and decides to see if he can find food inside. The bear breaks into the cabin and thus the people staying there frantically run away to call animal control.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken was trying to escape from the sad and depressing environment that surrounded him on the side he thus came from. Alas, he did not know that he would be soon hit by a drunk truck driver, who would also die, in a bright explosion of morbid flames and screams.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Why couldn't the blond get into the library? Because the library was closed therefore the door was locked.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Could not care less if he is jealous, too busy living it up, anyways thanks for notifying me, and guys, I know I could call up the office and tell you all that you wont get paid if you remain reading my comments, I might not be leading by example today, but I suggest you get back to work, as for the case whose name we do not reveal here, my part is done, yes I know, you can find it under cabinet C in my office, the thick file with the color pictures (the only one with color pictures) And that is why I am taking a break, now please get back to work, as I said I could just call down at every damn office room, but that would be unfair for those that are not on horsecrap network. Thanks people, keep the flag flying. Nero your overlord Fuck formalities, im not at work today.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops