How do you stop a baby from drowning? Take your foot of his head

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So a man walks into a bar, asks for a beer, then drinks it. He then goes home expecting to have dinner with his wife and 2 kids. His wife smells his breath before that and asks him what happens. The men opens to his true and only love and tells her he's having a bad time at work. So they share a hug and talk about it. The man is then renewed, starts pulling up at his job and gets a promotion to general supervisor. He lives happily and watches his kids grow and become professionals. He then dies of a heart attack at the advanced age of 89 while he was watching his favorite TV show.

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Who would win in a chess duel between Ender Wiggin and Artemis Fowl? Artemis Fowl will calculate the optimal path to move his pieces. Ender Wiggin will calculate the optimal path to kill the queen, so all the other pieces just sort of fall down.

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Want to hear an urban legend? There's a straight feminist.

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What is green, slimy and has 8 legs? Uncle Martin

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A man walks into a bar... "Ouch"

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Donald Trump

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A ship wrecks in the South Pacific ocean. Only one man survives. He swims to a semi-deserted island, and is later eaten by the cannibal inhabitants

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What happpens when a Jew walks into a wall with a boner? He breaks his nose

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Your mum is so overweight, she is at risk of heart disease, I highly recommend she visits her GP.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Scholars maintain that the translations to the chickens journal were lost in a hurricane hundreds of years ago. Therefore, the chicken crossed the road for unknown reasons and died knowing it had a dull, pointless life.

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how bout that airplane foood!!!1

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How do you keep an elephant from charging? Shoot it with a high powered gun right between the eyes.

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Have you ever seen Ethiopian food? No, neither have Ethiopians.

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meh

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a pressure-sensitive explosive device.

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What happens if you shoot a chicken? It dies.

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How do you make a puppy stop barking? Throw a brick at it.

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A woman buys a man a Valentine's Day present.

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Hey guys I'm more of a Nets fan.

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What has 3 legs? An abnormal human.

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What did the black guy do to his neighbor's car while he was away? Wash it for a for as a favor.

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How do you hold someone in suspense?

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After tesco's horse burgers, what's next? My lidl pony

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops