A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager's heart skipped a beat, and he locked himself inside his office, trembling with fear and confusion. Yes, it was plausible that a beast such as this could point to a random entry on the menu, and it was physically possible for it to pull the trigger of the gun (and, at such close proximity to the waiter, it would be pretty hard to miss him), but it was shocking and altogether disturbing to hear such an animal speak in human language, much less vernacular English.

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Why are pirates called pirates? Because it derives from the Latin word, pirata.

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants. He is given some very strange looks from the patrons both due to the fact that he has a steering wheel in his pants and because people wearing traditional pirate garb are a rarity.

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Your mom is so cheap, that she eats her cereal with a fork to save milk

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What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar? "Hi, may I buy you a drink?"

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Why do jewish women like to get their sons circumcised? They like anything 25% off.

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What do you get if you buy a big mac with a ten pound note? Change.

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How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face!

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Nicolas Cage's acting.

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Why wasn't the man talking? Because he was sleeping.

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Q: why id the bird fly away from the boy? A: cuz he was scared

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Roses are red Violets are blue get down or i will shoot

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A man met a genie that granted him three wishes. I wish I could fly. The genie gave him a plane ticket. No, I want to really fly for real! The genie put him inside a plane. Okay, I wish I was unable to die then! The genie killed him. Moral: Not every story needs to make a fucking sense.

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Whats the difference between a raisin and a old lady? One is alive, i think.

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There is a cat with a collar animal control takes of the coller and and says who cares it's not Our fault there cat is an outdoor cat the girl who lost her cat was crying all year long spending all her money wishing for her cat back and wishing that there was no such thing as animal control That girl was me and I'm against animal control

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Nock Nock It's open.

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What are astronauts called in Soviet Russia? Cosmonauts

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Knock Knock Who's there? I don't know Then why should I care I don't know

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im black

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What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? I thought you were dead.

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What's funnier than the world ending? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder in a staring contest.

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why did the dog chase it's tail? it has a case of OCD where he was obsessed with catching his tail and would spin until he passed out or threw up.

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A. Knock Knock B. Welcome!

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What do you call shark with no dorsal fin? Unused ingredients for soup.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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