- Anti Joke

What's the difference between your dog and your mother? Your dog doesn't think you're a disgrace to the family

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it - Is there still a woman in the kitchen?

What is the biggest lie in the universe? I love you.

Why is Digimon better than Pokemon? It has a better story and character development.

So there's this Norwegian monk who grows carrots. He is world renowned for his carrots. They are known to be the juiciest, most delicious carrots on the face of the earth. He spends a large amount of his time in his garden, caring for his carrots. Well one day, while he is in said garden caring for his carrots, a thief jumps over the fence and steals 2 carrots. He looks up and makes eye contact with the monk, almost as if to say "hey... i've got your carrots". He then quickly turns and starts to break for the fence, which is now a considerable distance away as the garden doesn't start until a few hundred feet into the fence line. While the monk is a man of peace, he is not going to let some thief just waltz in and start stealing his carrots. These are, after all, the best carrots in the world. So the monk starts to give chase, but only 200 feet into the chase the monk is out of breath. The monk cannot run. So the monk starts getting in shape, practicing his 400 meter dash. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And he becomes so good, that he becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in sprinting!! The next day, he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and a thief jumps over the same spot in the fence, runs to the same patch of carrots, and again takes 2 carrots. Only 2. "This must be the same thief" thinks the monk (as all the mannerisms are exact matches). "He's not getting my carrots this time" - the monk well knowing he is the monk champion in sprinting. So the thief turns to make a break for the fence, but the monk gives steady chase. He is not far behind when the thief gets to the fence, and simply leaps over. The monk is stuck. He can't jump. So the monk starts practicing hurdles.. hour after hour, day after day, weak after week. He becomes so good at hurdling that he becomes the monk champion that year in hurdles!! The next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when of course, the same thief jumps over the fence, and takes TWO CARROTS. He again looks the monk in the eyes, almost as to say "I will steal your carrots forever monk". So the monk gives chase. He is gaining pretty well on the thief.. I mean.. he was monk champion earlier that year in sprinting. As they get to the fence the thief jumps over, and looks behind him with a smirk. But to his surprise, the monk hurdles over the fence with the greatest of ease. The monk is really gaining on the thief now. They run through the forest, the monk so ready to finally catch his thief, and put his questions to bed. Now just 20 or 30 feet behind the monk, they come to the lake behind the monks house. Monk can't swim. So the monk starts taking swimming lessons, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and he actually becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in Monk swimming. So the next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when the SAME THIEF jumps over the fence and takes TWO CARROTS. They exchange eye contact and the chase begins. They run, they jump, they run, and then come to the lake. The thief jumps in and starts swimming away, but this time... well THIS TIME the monk is RIGHT BEHIND the thief. The thief is practicing breast stroke, while the monk utilizes dolphin swim. They make their way out of the lake, the monk now just steps behind the thief as they come to the mountain. MONK CAN'T MOUNTAIN CLIMB. So the monk starts practicing mountain climibing. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and you know what? He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in mountain climbing!!! So the next day the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when as expected, the same thief jumps over the fence, steals two carrots. Always two. It is clear now to the monk that, the thief could hold more carrots, and he's obviously physically fit.. why not take more? Two carrots alone cannot feed a family, or generate significant profit. It is this question most which bothers the monk. Why always two? Eager to have his question answered the chase ensues, and they run, and they jump, and they swim, and they run some more to the base of the mountain, the monk now just steps behind the thief. As the thief makes his way up the mountain, he pretentiously looks behind him with a smile, only to realize the monk is now an arms reach behind him! As they reach the summit, the monk FINALLY GRABS THE THIEF. Ready for some answers he flips the thief around. And as he does the thief judo chops the monk. MONK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT! So the monk starts practicing karate, hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And guess what. He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in karate?!?! Simply amazing, all that this monk has accomplished. So the next day, the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and the same thief jumps over the fence, as always, takes two carrots, as always, and begins to break for the fence. The chase is on, and the monk is ready for answers. They run, they jump, they swim, they run some more, they mountain climb, and at the summit, the monk again GRABS the thief and flips him around! The thief, in a display of desperation, DOUBLE JUDO CHOPS the monk, but the monk, crafty now in karate, blocks both chops and swiftly leg sweeps the thief to the ground. It is done. The thief is on the ground, the monk standing over him breathing heavy, comes down to one knee, and grabs the thief by the shirt, and pulls his back off the mountain so that their eyebrow lines meet, in a stare which can be compared to that of koala bear (relentless). The monk says to the thief "I don't care who you are... I don't care where you are from" ....... "just tell me why. Why always two carrots!? What are you doing, that you always need... TWO... CARROTS?!?". The thief now realizing his days of carrot thievery are over, complies with the monks wishes. He says to the monk "ok. I will tell you. But. This is so embarrassing. My actions with these carrots so unthinkable. The deeds so unimaginable... you have to promise never to tell anyone!" And the monk never did.

So there is 10 Nazis and a monkey the rest doesn't matter but i farted...

What do you get when you kill a black man? The death penalty.

whats pink and fluffy? pink fluff

Knock knock Who's there? Police Police who? You're under arrest, open up or we'll knock your door down.

Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a piece of toast.

Yo momma is so ugly, she might not win the "America's next top model" contest.

A British man walks into a dental office.

What's worse than 20 babies stapled to one tree? Getting life imprisonment after...

Jacob Black and Edward Cullen show up at your house. You tell your best girl friend and she has you admitted to a psych ward because everyone knows they are fictional characters!

Q: What kills millions of people each year and sneaks up behind you unexpectedly? A: HIV/AIDS

Thank you for booking with Anti-Joke Travel Agency. Here is your trip itinerary: 1. Your toilet

Why did the black man die? Why didn't the black man die?

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? A life sentence

knock knock who's there? julian julian who? julian gonzalez

What smells, tastes, and looks like trash? Garbage.

The President, a terrorist, a student, and a genius were on a crashing plane. They all died.

How do you starve a black person? Hide his food stamps in his work boots

How do you make a baby cry? Throw a brick at its face.

How many Coldplay members can you fit in a car? All of them, the standard car has four seats or more. Coldplay has 4 members so it makes perfect logical sense

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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