A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager's heart skipped a beat, and he locked himself inside his office, trembling with fear and confusion. Yes, it was plausible that a beast such as that could point to a random entry on the menu, and it was physically possible for it to pull the trigger of the gun (and, at such close proximity to the waiter, it would be pretty hard to miss him), but it was shocking and altogether disturbing to hear such an animal speak in human language, much less vernacular English.

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A man walks into a psychiatrists office with a banana in his ear, The psychiatrist says, why do you have that banana in your ear. The man says, "What?" The psychiatrist says, "I said, 'Why do you have that banana in your ear?" The man says, "What?" The psychiatrist shouts, "I SAID, WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT BANANA IN YOUR EAR?" The man says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm deaf." (props- Marty Smith)

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What do you call John Lennon without glasses? A skeleton, because John Lennon is dead.

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Whats the difference between an american and a arab? Their Ethnicity.

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"It smells like up dog in here." "What's up dog?" "Not much, what's up with you?"

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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey

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Why couldnt the woman wear her new necklace? She was decapitated

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What do you get when you shoot 3 cute kittens that have just walked into the house? 3 dead kittens

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why are marcos hands all swetty. he just got done giving a hand job to joe.

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What did the doctor say to his patient with cancer? "You have cancer...".

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- knock knock. - Who's There? - Steve. - Steve who? - Fitzsimmons. We met at your wife's work party.

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What do you call a black man that likes potatoes? Whatever his name is.

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what is orange and sounds like a parrot? an orange parakeet

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How do you know when it's hot outside? When you walk oside and it's hot.

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i tell you whats funny......... what? a fat sudanese man

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how many pieces of wood can a lumberjack cut in a minute? three dead squrlles a hat and and half of a tree oh and a bus. and if u get in his way alot of guts spewed every where

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Why wouldn't the baby boy stop crying when the babysitter was in the room? Because he put cigarettes out on him.

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What's worse than stubbing your toe? Nothing. Stubbing your toe hurts like hell.

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What do you call a mouse having sex? A spouse.

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why didn't the girl like that one guy? he hurt her, hurt her real bad.

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What's worse than finding a dead fly in your soup? Finding your soup in a dead fly

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Why did Polly fall off her roof? Because her dad pushed her.

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Why did Jack take a prune out for the evening? A healthy snack as part of a balanced diet.

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, My heart skipped a beat, I'm dead.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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