A man walks into a bar carrying a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender says, "We don't serve construction workers here."

what can't you see but stalks you all day and night? ME!!!

What did the muffin, say to the other muffin? Nothing. Because muffin's are inanimate objects, therefore incapable of speech, or any other sentient action. They baked quietly until the man who was baking them came to the conclusion they were fit for consumption, devoured them, and went on with his day.

what is the difference between a car salesman and a lawyer? a car salesman sells cars to people while a lawyer is an expert in law.

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered sex offender.

why did the man get a divorce? Because his wife had an affair.

on a scale from a banana to a pound coin - how much do you like the works of antonio vivaldi?

How do you make a plumber sad? Kill his family...

Hellen Keller walks into a bar. Well, at least she thinks she did.

Why is Kony so mean? He used to date your mom.

Nickleback.

Why is a duck? Because one leg is both the same.

What's worse than bad words? People who say them

F Detroit! I'm more of a Bulls fan

This is Heading 1

What did the boy ask the ice cream man? Can I have some ice cream?

What's worse than having a zit on your face? Getting blue waffle.. google if you don't know what blue waffle is..

Omg you bought a Prius? Children in Africa are starving and could have used that money to buy food.

Poop

What did the rake say to the shovel? Nothing, they're both inanimate objects.

A one armed blond is in a tree, how to you get her to come down? You wave to her?

Bob: Hey Jim, what's up? Jim: Obviously the sky, oh and i see a few planes too. by the way why are you asking me why don't you just look up?

What did Raymond say when josh ate him? Nothing because Raymond was dead.

A: go away. B: No i won't A: Shutup B: Yes i will not go away A: again, shutup B: I left A: Thank you B: Your welcom A: Thank you for saying your welcome B: Thank you for saying thank you that i'm welcome A: Thank you for saying thank you for saying that I thank you that you're welcome.