A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "Devout Semites," the parrot replied.

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Yo momma is so stupid, she has no job, five kids, and six weeks to live, due to the fact she spent all her money on cigarettes and now has lung cancer.

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Bad grammers.

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Why did the soccer player miss practice? He got shot in the face.

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A man with no face walks into a bar, another man sees this and promptly asks "Sir, why do you have no face?" The first man says nothing and walks away.

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FUCK THE JEWS

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3.14159365358979323846264

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Why did captain hook die? He wiped asss

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i hate christians and muslims, until drugs are involved. iduno what dat is, i try it.

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theres a kitten stuck in a tree, whats wrong? it's dead

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What do you call a Muslim guy on a plane? A passenger.

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finding out that when you had sex with that prostitute, you severely injured your urethra tube and you cannot create urine or spurm.

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What's the difference between a black businessman and a white businessman? Their skin colour.

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How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends. How hard can you throw?

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Everyone always gets up in arms over human trafficking... ... Well I kind of enjoy the convenience of air travel and so on.

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Yeah, me too. The car just ran straight through the stoplight and it was all over...

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Why didn't the man jump out of his window when his house was on fire? Because he is afraid of heights.

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Chuck norris

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A black man walks into an all white bar. He was escorted out, ten months later he died of a heart attack

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Q. If you have 4 pencils and I have 7 apples, how many pancakes can we fit on the roof? A. Purple because aliens don't wear hats.

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Liverpool City Football Club

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your mom is so old, she is often confused for your grandmother.

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what is red and lies in all four corners of the room? a baby that was playing with a chainsaw.

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Why did Daniel Nitz cross the road during rush hour? Because he's an idiot.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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