Why didn't John get a present for Christmas? Because John died eight months ago.

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a man walks into the doctors office and says DOCTOR!, DOCTOR! IT HURTS TO BEND MY LEG!!! the doctor replies then dont bend your leg and the mans great pain eventually heals

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“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

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what did one gay guy say to the other gay guy? want to suck dicks? (cause that's what gays do)

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Stop making fun of Stevie Wonder, you dont seen what he has.

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Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? Approach with caution as drowing victims can panic, thus pushing you under. If possible throw a floatation device rather than go in yourself, or hold out a stick and instruct them to grab one end while you pull them in with the other. If necessary perform CPR. Call an ambulance and monitor for hypothermia.

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I AM FAGNETO! MASTER OF FAGNET! WELCOME TO FÅG! DIE X-FÅGGOT! XD Okay Fagneto`s roll me out of here, I am done with the super important last message to uh... You? No wait that sounds wrong, stop laughing you korean piece of... Seriously sorry I am drugged, you guys put enough valium in me to kill a cow, so please roll me out... I used to have a lot of korean friend you know, but then I killed them for being korea... seriously my fingers magically type shit when I am done, please roll me out of here, and fill that... Kundalini express? Is it me or did this get even more fagneto... Get me out of here now now now no

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How do u get a baby to stop crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor

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When Hitler was a girl she had hyjenical warts and when she got older she had beast cancer.

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That awkward moment when you get in the van and there's no candy.

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A drunkard walked into a bar, and up to the bartender. He proceeded to **** the **** until he ******. I proceeded to break down in immense frustration over censorship.

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What is the way to a man's heart? Through his stomach. With a knife. Then then go up a little.

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Yo mama's like Darfur: Everyone feels bad for her, but nobody offers any substantial assistance.

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There was three women stuck on an island, a blonde, a brunette and a ranga. They are saved days later.

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what do you tell a black man getting hit by a police baton? that is racial inequality, and you no longer have to take that due to Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.

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Who has, there are like... Well actually I might have watched them all, downloaded them in a torrent... A LEGAL torrent of course... NOT. Well, you get a hint, it looks a lot like Mickey Mouse, and its a trick question since Mickey Mouse was not actually drawn by Disney, so yeah.

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A detective? I think more about that chip and dale thing, that was not funny, the classics are okay I suppose, but that newer thing detective-ish maybe. Uh... Do I get a clue? I have not like watched all of them.

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Guy 1: What the shit is that car? Guy 2: Its not a car. It's an alfa romeo

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What do you feel inside after eating an entire class of pre-schoolers? A stomach ache

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why did the elephant cross the road? It was the chickens day off

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Why did the black man steal the mountain bike? He didn't. He purchased and payed for the mountain bike.

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What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot.

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What is the difference between a Ferrari and 1,000 babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

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Real Joke: The US Air Force operates Seymour Johnson Air Force Base. It is named for a seaman. Go look it up.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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