What make's a constuction worker drop's his hammer? MC Hammer moves.

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Why did the pumpkin stop using the jack hammer? Pumpkins cannot use power tools since they are nothing but an orange gourd. But, [for sport] say this ‘pumpkin’ was incarnate; one could assume he was done with his demolition work. He then would return the portable drill to the rental facility and get his deposit back.

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Roses are grey. Violets are grey. There is an entire spectrum of the world I am not privy to.

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Did you hear the one about the man who went into the jungle wearing nothing but leopard print underwear? He was suffering from psychogenic fugue disorder and had no idea who or where he was. He was eventually eaten alive by a flesh-eating centipede. When his wife found out, she committed suicide.

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My brother gave my mom AIDS. My mom gave my dad AIDS. My dad gave my dog AIDS. My dog gave me AIDS. I gave my sister AIDS. My sister called the police because of the wild case of AIDS.

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What falls down, but never gets back up? A dead person.

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What's worst than the finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. What's worst than the Holocaust? Finding two worms in your apple. What's worst than finding two worms in your apple? Finding seven dead babies in a trash can. What's worst than that? Finding one dead baby in seven trash cans.

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A horse enters a bar. The bartender looks at the horse and says "Why the harness?"

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What's worse than biting into your apple and finding a worm. Being raped. What's worse than being raped. Being raped twice. What's worse than being raped twice. Biting into your apple and finding a worm then throwing away that apple, retrieving another apple them biting into it and finding another worm then being raped twice. In the same 5 minutes.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken was trying to escape from the sad and depressing environment that surrounded him on the side he thus came from. Alas, he did not know that he would be soon hit by a drunk truck driver, who would also die, in a bright explosion of morbid flames and screams.

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Or something... Volume one. What do you do if you are in the jungle and get confronted by one jaguar to your left, and one tiger at the right and got only one bullet left in your gun? You shoot the Jaguar and drive home in the tiger.

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A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "I have testicular cancer........"

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What is green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree and onto your head, it will kill you? A pool table.

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Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the baby fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the koala.

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What is small, red all over and gets shorter by the second? A baby cutting its hair with a potato peeler

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Guy 1: What the shit is that car? Guy 2: Its not a car. It's an alfa romeo

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What has four legs and rocks? Your baby kitten that just got stoned to death.

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Ask me if I care. Do you care? No.

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womens rights

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Good work kids, I would have told you later, but had to know how deep their infiltration had gone. Tell Necrissa that we where convinced she had gone down, and that we are all relieved to know she is alive. I an Liz gave them the coordinates for Ground Zero, whose members we where able to get to safe locations yesterday, Its time to play a game of diversionary tactics here. We are expecting our enemies to arrive at, and enter Ground Zero, at that point we will seal the entire damn bunker off and detonate the whole thing, this should not only buy us enough time, but also allow us to pick off whichever enemy targets make it out alive. While our main communication lines are still largely unsafe, I have discovered several other ways we can communicate trough the internet without exposing ourselves. So far only I and some of the boys have received minor wounds and will make it trough, at ease, if we have counted our enemies right, there is no reason you should fear any reprisal, their numbers are dropping hard and fast. There is no reason to search for Nero1 trough 6 they are all down for good, I suppose its time to let the second generation take over from here on, as you know, I always have a backup plan, and as such you might leave the designated sectors and join us at Ground Zero or secure other areas, this time I leave the method of aproach and tactics up to you, as I am literally losing my mind because of the fever and the fucking cold here, still I ask that you send fifty of you to check of for Liz and her family, remain there until this is over. In time we can leave this for the authorities, but the remaining sectors not under our control, and not to mention whatever people the authorities send, so I leave this all up to you. Seems like most, if not all of the members these assholes executed where those that infiltrated us to begin with for whichever reason, as such the body count for those we can consider our own remains at least for now, minimal at worst. By the way (I almost forgot, health not so good here) our team managed to sever their communications, so they are left in the dark just like us... Which means we got every tactical advantage. The only thing that bothers me now, is that we have no choice but to bury Ground Zero, that thing cost us a fortune and too much time and effort to construct, with that said, it is already loaded with enough explosives to sink four cruisers (better to overdo it than leave these assholes alive) Not sure about you boys, but as far as I am concerned, this will soon be over, as for their leader (lets simply call him "Ivan") he is nowhere to be found, and unless you caught him (or worse killed him, both things id expect you to let me know by now) he is aproaching Ground Zero at this moment, meaning that he is indeed sending everything at us. So far he has told us that he is part of a much larger force, if this turns out to be true, then I dunno about you Shadow Men, but I believe that this would mean it is time for payback, not necessarily for revenge, but to make sure this never repeats itself. Consider this all good news men, I long suspected there where many many bogus members among us, and now it seems their superiors have cleaned them all up for us leaving those truly loyal and a fresh start. We can mourn the loss of our "Nero`s" later, for now I suggest you wait until Ground Zero is down, and await further orders. If all goes well, it wont matter if they can hear us or not in fact I want their leader to hear us by then, and do not worry, he is not at any location we might know of, but this way, we might be able to easily lure him out, and finally find out if this is his own little solo operation, or if he is part of something bigger. Final note: Now that we know who`s really on our side, expect reinforcements, there are more shadows out there, meaning that if you have had an easy time so far, things should be piece of cake from now on, they will identify themselves as per usual and bring you further... "assets" for our continued success. I am pretty sure this is far from over though, I happen to have met and trained with this "Ivan" a few years ago, and he works for the highest bidder meaning he is unfortunately working for someone with the cash to pay for at least one army, on the bright side, whatever higher ups sent him, they havent gotten anything for their moneys worth. Plan summary: Wait for the second and third batch of "shadows" to join up with you in just a few hours, then retake the remaining sectors, in the meantime the rest of us are freezing our asses off at the fittingly named Ground Zero which we KNOW the enemy is coming for, hopefully anytime soon, we will wait for about half of their force to enter the base, then drive the rest inside what they are bound to believe will give them the tactical advantage, and then trigger a small remote explosive, which should cause a major chain reaction, killing them all except for "Ivan" which prefers watching at the sidelines, good for us, bad for him. Gotta leave for a while now, I am still very delusional from this fever thing and seeing shit that is not there, so unless I take it easy, things might get a bit more complicated. Seriously boys, before your main man came up with a bit of old fashion diversion tactics I thought I was gonna die and was ready to do so... Its probably just the fever and my fucking jaw hanging and hurtin bad, but I am almost a bit disappointed to remain alive. Great news, our main network is secure, I repeat our main network is secure, there is no reason to use Horsehead from now on, and it is only a matter of time before we can at the very least consider using our good old "cellphones" for more "intimate" communication, but lets not get ahead of ourselves, this is no time for bromance. Damn... Viscount just passed away, not from the cold but from sniper fire earlier, we have of course relocated since, yet they are just toying with us at this moment, the brunt force of their guys are losing their patience and will soon arrive, this should be fun. Ps: Make sure you send at least 50 men to check up on Liz, and do not leave her side until this is over, my wife is safe and sound as well, and as mentioned above, I got shot a couple of times in the leg, but I if I die, it certainly will be from the fever, and not from any minor damage, and the fever aint that bad. Lets keep our main communications where it belongs, I am sure people would like to post their little Anti-Jokes in peace, at least until I am back and controversial again, which wont be for long... Feverish man has to have some fun once this is over... Do not reply on horsehead, and if I might suggest so, focus on stealth from here on in order to keep the friendly death count down, I suggest you disable their explosives, and leave the rest for the authorities, just make sure you dont make it in the news or something huh? We wont succeed in our goals if our existence is compromised, and once it is, the world is really gonna apreciate/hate our actions, setting second and final objective into motion. Id tell the shadows to watch over you or something cheesy, but I just remembered that you are the freaking shadows. Now, reply all you want, but on our station and make sure most of you stay alive, we might most likely have to prepare for some payback shortly as the "Ivan" I knew some years back, would never pull this himself... ...On the bright side, he and his "ex comrades" likes working for the South African drug cartel, meaning we wont have to take on any Russian leaders or anything sketchy like that... ...If we have to though, we will. Okay, head is throbbing now, going to conserve some energy for the final push, leaving the newly appointed "Nero1" to handle the communication with you in the future. Of hell, btw, do not even dream of sending any reinforcements over here, the lesser we are, the harder we are to find, and the most likely it will seem like we have retreated into Ground Zero`s main bunker. Id say good luck, but leave nothing to chance, this is not about luck, and if it had been, my team would have been fucked over already, so... Uh... Proceed or whatever they say.

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Why did the guy go to the strip club? To look at naked people.

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Your mother is so fat she has to have her clothing specially ordered, this brought her to a massive credit card bill and made your entire family bankrupt.

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Why did the girl fall off the swing? she had no arms. Why doesnt she have arms? they got bit off by a shark. Knock knock. Who's there? Not the girl.

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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? I lost my tractor.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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