A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "Devout Semites," the parrot replied.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Question: What do you call a Black person who cooks food at a fried chicken restaurant? Answer: A chef

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Why did the clown go to the doctor? Because he had a malignant tumor on his liver.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

What's worst than being stung by a bee? being stung by two bees. what's worst than that? The Holocaust. What's worst than that? being stung by three bees.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

A man takes his girlfriend ice skating on a lake. As they are ice skating she says "we should go back home and fu..." At this point they fall through a thin spot on the ice and they both drown in the lake. Fish ate their dead bodies

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, This joke is stupid, Chuck Testa.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Knock knock whos there Ewan Gudgeon *Shoots Himself cause cannot live with hearing tht name*

thumb_up thumb_down +7

What you you call peanut butter on the top of a dog house Peanut butter

thumb_up thumb_down +7

I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

why did the chicken cross the street i dont know thats why im asking you

thumb_up thumb_down +7

the next time someone says "yolo" im going to pull out my shotgun and reply "sadly..."

thumb_up thumb_down +7

A Mormon walks into a bar

thumb_up thumb_down +7

PROS = good things CONS = bad thing So, if PROgress is a good thing...then why is the US government call CONgress?

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Two chemist walk into a bar. The Bartender ask them what they want. The first chemist says he wants H20. The second chemist laughs and says he wants H20 too. Then he dies.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Why was the boy embarrassed when he opened his parents' bedroom door? Because he had been trying the door for several minutes until he realized he was pushing instead of pulling.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

What do you call a man running away from the bus? A man

thumb_up thumb_down +7

What's louder than a cat stuck in a tree? A foghorn.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

What did Yoda say to Darth Vader? The only time the two had talked Darth Vader was still Anakin therefor, he said nothing.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

An Irishman, a German, a Jew, and a Mexican walk into a bar...... the Irishman is named designated driver and all four have a safe and enjoyable evening.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Everything's looking fine, ma'am. Hope to see you again real soon.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

What did the blonde say to the other blonde? "Hey, do you want to get something to eat?"

thumb_up thumb_down +7

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? wanna go ride bikes?

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Roses are red, but there are also pink, white and yellow varieties Violets aren't blue, they're violet, hence the name I've got OCD And my poetry skills are also lacking.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

A woman buys a man a Valentine's Day present.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops