What's slow and spotted? A cheetah, I lied about the slow part

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Laugh

thumb_up thumb_down +11

“Ok, time for bed” … is what I said to the empty living-room. It was getting late, and the internet no longer amused me. I picked up my cell phone, rooted through the couch cushions until I located the remote, and turned off the television that had been nothing but background noise for the last few hours. I made sure the front and back doors were securely locked, walked around the back of the couch, and turned off the only light. A tap on the screen of my phone created just enough light to keep from busting a toe on an errant table leg. Because my cats have an evil tendency to lie in the middle of the hallway, I aimed the small amount of light from my phone directly in front of my tired and shuffling feet. I’d only covered a small distance before I knew, from many nights of this same regimen, that I was getting close to the bedroom door. At this point my arm started the slow upward arc that would eventually illuminate the now pitch-black opening to the comfort of my room. The light emanating from my cell was quite dim, and this action had become quite rote, so my arc was about waist level before I noticed a slight variation of the familiar black of the open doorway. At that point, and in a disturbingly short amount of time, five things happened nearly simultaneously: My arm, the arm carrying the phone, continued to rise in its predetermined arc, having been an object in motion which would stay in motion. I released a small gasp and exclaimed to my husband that his sudden appearance in the dark had startled the breath from me. I remembered that my husband was at work. The light arc reached its apex on a face of protruding nail-like teeth. A face suspiciously bereft of eyes, with a gaping, oozing, bloody pit where a nose should have been. The light went out.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What's black and doesn't work? My Blackberry, but luckily it was still under guarantee and the situation was solved swiftly and relatively drama free.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Dont follow this link.......http://www.google.com/imghp?hl=en&q=blue+waffle&tab=wi

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What did the very inquisitive poor black guy say to the very rich white man at the train station? Nothing, they didn't know each other. And they both had their iPods in. And they were at different train stations. And they were in different countries. And the black guy died 20 years ago.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Roses are red, Violets are red, Trees are red, Bushes are red, Oh shit, my garden is on fire

thumb_up thumb_down +11

While walking along the beach, a man stubs his toe on a half buried lamp. He picks it up, dusts it off, and a enormous Genie appears in front of him. "You have released me from my 10,000 year imprisonment. I will grant you 3 wishes to repay you." says the Genie. The man quickly uses his 1st wish for wealth and the 2nd for the love of a beautiful woman. Unable to think of a 3rd wish and seeing the sunken look on the Genie's face, he wished for the Genie's freedom. The Genie uses his unrestrained powers to kill the man, resurrect Hitler and enslave the human race.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why didn't the lolipop taste like anything to the boy beacuse he was aborted

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a grizzly bear in your apple

thumb_up thumb_down +11

There was a guy and a girl naked in bed, sleeping together. When they woke up they didn't remember the last 72 hours and wanted some questions answered, including Where am I? Who are you? What year is it? What's my name?

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why did the editor lose his job at a poetry magazine? Because he's worthless.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

what did the man with Alzheimer's say to his son? who are you!?

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Wait, I am sleepy as the world which spawned you Nero, but which comment is mine again?

thumb_up thumb_down +11

why couldnt the man run because he had no legs

thumb_up thumb_down +11

whats long, orange, and comes out of brown stuff? -a carrot.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why did the black man go to prison? He committed a crime that had a penalty of several years in the state penitentiary.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What did the farmer say when he finally found his tractor? "Wheres my tractor?" Oh ya he had alzheimers.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What did the athiest get for christmas? Well he shouldn't get anything becuase he doesn't belive in jesus.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Oh, well if you want, I would like for you to tell her that I wish her good health, suddenly it sounds like I am speaking with spider man here, so you could balance on the top of a tower like a ninja and stuff?

thumb_up thumb_down +11

So a blonde walks into a wall...

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Aww, I knew you where a sweetheart at the core Nerochan, I mean I look up towards people that don't give a jack about what others think but I am not as good at it as you are. Now can you please spam that away like really quickly now?

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Knock Knock! Who's there? Delivery for a Mr. Peerson? Oh yes, that's me. Thank you.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

i like my coffee like i like my women... Without a penis

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops