What did the black man get for Christmas? A felony conviction.

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pudding

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What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names.

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whats funny? when isreal special forces hunted down nazis after ww2 and killed the fucks

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What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me i'm going in.

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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to compromise his health and career

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mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow and everywhere that mary went this joke has no punchline

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So there were these three guys on a plane, one with a ruptured hernia, one with a stomach infection and one with a raging case of gingivitis. Half way through the flight the pilot said, "unfortunately we will not it make to our destination... we are crashing." The three men then went to get the parachutes. they then say that there was only two. the man with the ruptured hernia picked one up and threw it out the door and pushed out the guy with the stomach infection. The guy with the raging case of gingivitis said, "why did you do that... we could have used that parachute!" the man with the ruptured hernia responded, "taco." and jumped out of the plane. the pilot then goes on the intercom and says," sorry. false alarm. we will not be crashing, please enjoy the rest of your flight."

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There once was a man from Nantucket, His dick was so long it caused tremendous physical discomfort, and it was extremely difficult for him to find pants that did not reveal his freakish abnormality, and greatly limited his levels of intimacy. After botched reduction surgery, he was left without a penis at all and, realising the horrible irony, threw himself into a raging river (experiencing no shrinkage whatsoever).

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What do you call it when a cigarette is brown instead of white? A cigarette that is or has been damp so that the nicotine was able to bleed into the paper and dye it.

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager's heart skipped a beat, and he locked himself inside his office, trembling with fear and confusion. Yes, it was plausible that a beast such as that could point to a random entry on the menu, and it was physically possible for it to pull the trigger of the gun (and, at such close proximity to the waiter, it would be pretty hard to miss him), but it was shocking and altogether disturbing to hear such an animal speak in human language, much less vernacular English.

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What do you call a Muslim on the moon? An astronaut

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roses are red violets are blue, were stuck to gather like superglue in tell you get the flu, then I'm not touching you :)

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Yo mama's so fat, she died of a mixture of obesity and type 1 diabetes.

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How do you get the neighborhood hoodlums to stop pushing you over in your wheelchair? Brutally murder their families in front of them.

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What do you call a dog that acts like a cat, likes to pretend he's human, and whose name is "Moose"? A dog. His personality traits have no effect on the changing of his species.

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What is green and smells like paint? Grass, it doesnt smell like paint, I lied.

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knock knock. who's there? interupting doctor. interupting doctor who....you have cancer.

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Why would you kill a black man? Well, murderers have different motives, the most common of these are revenge or a psychological illness.

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Yo momma so pretty,she gets a lot of compliments.

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My mother's star sign was Cancer. Ironic how she died really. She was attacked by a giant crab.

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You tell me. I have amnesia.

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A family walks into a talent agent's office. They do a cute family-friendly performance that they call "The Aristocrats."

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Q. How many trees does it take to change a light bulb? A. Trees can't change light bulbs.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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