What's read,bubbly and looks out the window? A baby in a microwave

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Two trains, each having a speed of 30km/h, are headed at each other on the same straight track. A bird that can fly 60km/h flies off the front of one train when they are 60km apart and heads directly for the other train. After reaching the other train, the bird flies directly back to the first train, and so forth. What is the total distance the bird travels before the train collide? Who cares about the bird if two trains are going to collide? You need to call this in immediately.

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what's worse than a dead baby? a pile of dead babies. what's worse than a pile of dead babies? a pile of dead babies with a live one underneath. what's worse than a pile of dead babies with a live one underneath? the live one has to eat it's way out. what's worse than a pile of dead babies with a live one underneath that has to eat it's way out? more dead babies dumped on the already existing pile. what's worse than the giant pile of dead babies with a live one underneath that has to eat it's way out, but there are more dead babies piled on top? this is all in your basement.

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why was six afraid of seven? because seven was a registered sex offender.

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What do Whitney Houston and MTV have in common? They both REALLY died in the 90's.

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If life throws you melons, you should do your best to avoid them. Large and hard objects such as melons can easily harm you if moving at high speeds. Fortunately, life is not a physical entity that can throw melons or anything else - so the chances of this event occurring to you are exceedingly low.

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KNOCK! KNOCK! who knocks like that? all my friends break the door down...oh alright then ill answer i guess WHO IS IT? THE REAPER oh s*** dude! [panic face] NO ONES HOME? "In other news tonight, 2 local men found murdered in their living rooms, after looking up common joke style called antee joke. Police say the door was smashed in an obvious sign of forced entry. They seem to have just mysteriously had sudden heart attacks and fainted. heh heh...hey nancy....why did the chicken cross the road? [=< heh heh" "y" "because he thouroughly enjoyed darting out into traffic" "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *GASP!* X.x dead face "NANCY! NANCY!.....well in other OTHER news ive just murdered nancy, and thats no joke." *runs*

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I man sees a shooting star and makes a wish. Nothing happens as shooting stars are incapable of granting wishes.

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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? It is unlikely that this situation would occur, as tractors are very large objects and losing one would be very hard, furthermore, tractors are vital agricultural vehicles and most farmers would take care in not misplacing one.

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Why are Asians good at Math? Because they are bad at English.

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A train conducter conducts at 60mph, when he goes under a bridge he goes at 52mph. When he goes over a hill he goes at 47mph, if he goes under 2 bridges and over 3 hills what did the conductors mother have for dinner that night. Nothing she was raped then promptly murdered.

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why was the fat man excercizing? because he was a fatass and no one liked him

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There is two guys named tard and retard on a boat in shallow water. they both fall off. Who gets back up onto the boat? - Obviously Tard because ur dealing with a retard here.

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a black man, a Jew, a Chinese man and a polar bear walk into a bar, the bar tender says sorry no animals allowed in the bar, so the polar bear left and the other three ordered some drinks and had a nice time

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What do you call a black man throwing jars of flaming fruit preserves at a Jewish basketball player. MEXICO

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A man walks into a bar. The initial impact knocks him violently to the ground, where he lies gasping in agony. Flustered and in a state of psychological shock, he shakily reaches up and touches his head in an attempt to asses the damage he has sustained and establish the seriousness of the situation. He lets out a resigned whimper when he realises his hands are stained a deep red. More blood gushes in torrents from his left temple, and the man chokes on his vomit as he writhes on the ground uncontrollably, incessant waves of pain washing over him. The protruding metal bar left so carelessly in his path has done a lot more damage than the man is aware of. His skull has been shattered in several places and he has suffered additional fractures to his cheek bone and jaw. Also, the sheer force at which the man has collided with the bar means that he is severely concussed and the onset of brain haemorrhage is becoming very likely. Brain haemorrhage is a very common cause of strokes and, if left untreated, the bleed will almost certainly kill the man in later life. However, the chances of the man reaching this stage in his life are now almost non-existent. He is losing copious volumes of blood from the wounds sustained to his face, and is becoming weaker by the second. He needs a blood transfusion immediately if he is to live. But nobody is there to go to his aid. The harsh reality is, he is doomed...

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knock knock! who is there? its knock! knock who??? knock knock... who is there.... i told you its knock... knock who??? knock knock... WHO IS THERE!! OMG I TOLD YOU ITS KNOCK! KNOCK WHO!! WHO IS KNOCK! KNOCK KNOCK OMG WTF! HOLY SHIT WHO IS THERE! ITS KNOCK WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER OUR WHOLE LIVES! KNOCK WHO?? KNOCK KNOCK WHY DONT YOU REMEMBER ME! oh knock knock from next door! who is there???? jk.. knock...knock......omg put down the gun knock knock stop i love you knock its not worth it!! NO KNOC!!! GUNSHOT* KNOCK NOOOOO!!! I LOVED YOU SOMEONE CALL 911!! OMG KNOCK WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH KNOCK WHY!!!!

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This guy went to the store because he needed potatoes. So he asked the clerk where the potatoes were at and she said "Isle fiveeeeeee!" So he went there and there were no potatoes ! hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahajhahahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahhahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahhahaahhahahahahahahaahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhahaahahahahahhhhahha

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Why does a woman with a little dark skin and black hair a Native American? Because she smells.

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My favorite color is Ham. And I can count to Potato.

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Why did the lorry cross the road? It was swerving to avoid a small child. Unfortunately the driver's reactions were too slow and he hit the kid. After a week fighting for their life in hospital the child fibaly died. There wasn't a scratch on the lorry though.

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Whats the Difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies? A Pile of dead babies is basically useless

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Two muffins are in an oven. They don't speak to each other because muffins do not have the ability to make speech. After being in the oven for several minutes at 375 degrees, they are removed, left to cool, and were eaten. They were good.

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whats black and blue and white all over A little caucasian boy who is being abused by his parents

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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Anti-Joke Chicken

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