How do you kill a ninja? Shoot him with a sniper rifle from a building. How do you make sure he's dead? Shoot him twice.

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Stop driving smart cars you fags

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Three drunk llamas wearing sombreros are walking down the street. They walk in silence, lost in their own thoughts.

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Q: How do you keep a carnival fish for more than a week? A: Place it in formaldehyde when you get home

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A man walks into a bar and notices a twelve inch tall man playing a small piano. He asks the bartender about it. The bartender explains that the pianist has worked there for some time, mostly performing on weeknights. The bartender also tells the man that he may be suffering some vision problems, as the pianist is about 5'8" or 5'9". Some time later the man visits an optometrist and finds out he has a severe case of astigmatism.

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What do you call a women with two black eyes? Someone trapped in the cycle of violence that is domestic abuse. The few friends and family members she still speaks with tell she should leave. They don't know about the last time she threatened to leave him, when he held a gun to her throat and screamed "You try an leave me I'll kill you and your precious god damn babies!" Now she suffers silently for fear of what he might do to her family, but is increasingly worried about the way her husband has begun looking at their 13 year old daughter. Every night she kneels at the foot of her bed and prays for death, over the sounds of her own sobbing and her husbands drunken rage. Also she is a slow learner.

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Q. What did the Vampire say when he ate the Pizza? A. Nothing. It is literally impossible for a vampire to be real, therefore it's insane if you thought it said something.

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What's worse that pooping in your pants having someone see it

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A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads: "A rare bearlike mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of the mountains of China and Tibet, having woolly fur with distinctive black and white markings. Also called giant panda, panda bear." Seeing absolutely nothing in this description that would rationalize the homicides the panda had just committed, the bartender arrived at the reasonable conclusion that the panda was psychotic and having severe psychological problems which probably caused the incident. The bartender couldn't help but wonder if this tragedy could've been avoided had the panda been properly screened for schizophrenia and guns been properly secured in a safe at the panda's mother's house.

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What is the difference between a pizza and ten dead babies? I dont have a pizza in my oven.

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Hello Braydon I am at home where are you?

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Q: What do Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Crunch, Captain Morgan and Captain Kangaroo all have in common? A: They are all caucasian

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Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven threatened six's family after insinuations of seven being a cannibal.

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Why did the ANTI-JOKE book cry? -It wasn't funny

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Why does Santa Clause not have any children? Because he only cums once a year.

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I walk into Tesco and wrestle an obese women for a packet of ''Mini's Biscuits''. This quarrel was over nothing but a trolley filled with them. I gradually became infuriated. Meanwhile, an employee commited suicide.

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what do you call a black man, white man, mexican, irishman, indian, and chinese man being hung at the same time? -a racially diverse pirate crew

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What do you call a kid that hasnt passes 7th grade? A 6th grader

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Jo Brand no longer looks like a ball sack draped over a football.

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"Why do children's movies show everything in that happens in the movie in the trailer?" "The same reason I show children everything that's inside of my trailer."

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Dead girls can't say no.

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel? A: Throw a fridge at it

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Why did Charlie eat a baked potato? Because he was hungry.

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roses are grey violets are grey im a dog

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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