Want to hear a clean joke? Soap.

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How do you torture helen keller? Waterboard her.

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Why did Shrek eat the onions? Anyone who has seen the Shrek films would know that Shrek never mentions anything about eating onions. In the first movie, Shrek and donkey have a conversation in which he compares himself to an onion, but the scene lasts maybe a minute and never again does Shrek mention onions in any way, shape, or form. For whatever reason, this one scene has turned onions into the strongest signature icon associated with Shrek.

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How do you wake up lady gaga? You set her alarm clock for a reasonable hour.

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Kid: "Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa." Grandpa: "Oh, sonny, those were crazy times. My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other wet-willies and funny arm. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt." Kid: "Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa. " Grandpa: "It was gay. Everyone was. But, back then, we were called pole-fancies. It was real, good old-fashioned "grab the nearest tree and hold on for dear life" gay, not today's fancy, featherbed, thread-count gay. People got hurt back then! Kid "That's gay." Grandpa: "Yeah, it was pretty gay "

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Knock knock Who's there? The police, your family is dead.

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You can pick you're friends, you can pick you're nose, but you can't run over a pedestrian.

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What would you do if I jumped down your throat when you were talking? That would never happen, as it's impossible to even climb into somebody's mouth.

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding poo in your shoe.

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my grandpa told me "dont let fear rule your life" 2 hours later he got hit by a train.

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What do you call literature that's depressing and hard to read? ...a valued part of the English curriculum

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How does your sister ride a bicycle? My sister does not have any legs.

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Whats louder than a dinosaur? 2 Dinosaurs

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What the difference between a black person and a piece of shit in a bucket? The bucket

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what did the kid with no legs gat for her birthday? A soccer ball! I feel bad for this young girl.

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DO U KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD BIRD BIRD, BIRD IS THE WORD? DON'T U KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD? EVERYOBODY KNOWS THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD! Oh, no i did not know that the bird was the word.

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What is the difference between a black man and a bench? The bench is a piece of wood, while the black man is a human being.

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what happened when the shoe turned into a shoe.......... nothing, it was a raisin

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How do you stop a little boy from annoying you? You chop his balls of. Why was the little boy sad? Because someone chopped his balls off.

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kennah campion... being nice

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What did the average man say the the bird? HOODINI

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Knock Knock! Who's there? The police, your father just died in a boat accident.

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Knock Knock I have a door bell It's broken Oh

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Why did the chicken cross the road? To collect it's AIDS medication.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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