- Anti Joke

How much wood could a wood chuck, chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? They don't ACTUALLY eat or throw wood. Instead, they eat grasses and insects and pretty much everything else at ground level they can get their hands on. But they can, apparently, CHEW wood, and that's where the idea for this study came in. The authors decided to use the word "chuck" to mean "chew" (I suppose because upchucking is the opposite?), and wanted to see how much wood a woodchuck could chuck. They obtained 12 woodchucks (by "various means" that are not described, I picture some middle aged guy in a suit trying to stalk one), and food deprived them to ensure they would eat the wood. Then, they fed each woodchuck a 2x4 (yes) and watched how fast they ate it. All the woodchucks ate the wood, none actively attempted to toss it, and none upchucked. They could, apparently digest the wood pretty well, and consumed it at a rate of 361.9237001 cubic centimeteres per animals per day (no error bars, and the food deprivation was nuts, 12 days, leading me to think they didn't REALLY...). They note that, while none of the woodchucks attempted to throw the wood, they probably would have, had they been capable. So the next time someone asks you, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? You answer is clear! He'd chuck 361.9237001 cubic centrimeters of wood per day, which is the wood that a woodchuck COULD chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? It doesn't really matter but I wouldn't actually call anything because they have very sensitive hearing and will probably panic and, being blind, might collide with a tree.

hi im tom. whats your name? joe. hi im tom. whats your name? joe... tom has short term memory loss.

Q: Why are Dino-Nuggets so good? A: Because they are nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs.

whats uglyand cry , and screams mommy ... you after i bitch slap you

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship. One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm. He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on! The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my white flag!"

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a worm in an apple within a worm inside your apple...

A man walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?" And the man replies "I am severely deformed".

What do you call a man in the desert? Whatever his name is.

how do you get a blonde one-handed woman out a tree? wave

What's worse than the holocost? 6 Million Jews

A: Ask me if I'm a tree. B: Are you a tree? A: psh, no! gives offended look and walks away

Why did sally fall off the swing? She got her arms cut off. Why did Sally drop her ice cream? She got hit by a truck. Knock. Knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

Why did the boy not wake up on time for school? He was fucking dead.

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I've got a shotgun, Give me the money.

How do you scare a brunette? Hide behind a door or wall until the unsuspecting person walks by, then jump out and yell.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he saw a Vladimir Putin.

knock knock whos there steve i dont know you go away

What did the muffin say to the cup cake? nothing, muffins can't talk, and cup cakes can't hear.

Roses are red Violets are blue i have aides egg

What is worse then losing your remote? Falling off a cliff landing on a sharp rock and dying slowly.

Knock knock. Knock knock. Knock knock. I'm hammering nails. Knock knock.

What's worse than a dead baby in a trash can? A dead baby in 10 trash cans.

A man comes home to his wife sleeping with their neighbor. This lead to their divorce four months later.

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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