A man is on an operating table. His heart stops beating and he suddenly finds himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter approaches him. "Welcome, my son," St. Peter says. "I can't believe it," the man exclaims, "I've died and gone to Heaven! I-" St. Peter interrupts him. "Not quite yet, my son. You must first answer three questions. You will only enter Heaven if I deem you fit to do so." The man nervously agrees. "All right. First question," St. Peter says. "Did you ever commit a sin and never sought forgiveness?" The man thinks long and hard. "No, I always made sure to apologize." "Splendid," St. Peter responds. "Did you attend church every Sunday?" The man loses some of his former confidence. "I may have missed the odd week." "That's fine," says St. Peter. "One last question... Do you believe you are worthy of entering the Gates of Heaven?" The man answers nervously, "Well... yes, yes I do." St. Peter smiles. "Congratulations, my son. You have passed the test, and may enter Heaven!" The man is ecstatic as the pearly gates open up for him. He enters Heaven and is astounded by its magnificent beauty. The man then loses all brain function and dies on the operating table.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

A man walks into a pet shop. He says to the shopkeeper, "Excuse me, do you have any dogs going cheap?" The shopkeeper replies "We feel that we price our animals reasonably, but the cheapest type of dog we have is £50." The man realises that, unfortunately, he cannot afford a dog so instead he purchases a goldfish. It wasn't the same.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

Knock, knock. Now before I asked "Who's there" I first opened the door as then I can see who's there without having to ask them through the door.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

Knock Knock ... Knock Knock The man proceeds to leave.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

Q: John gets attacked with a chainsaw, how many stitches does he get? A: None, Hes dead jim

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why was the Irish Cop happy to see the Mexican family killed in a accident? Because the Lopez family were a family known for generosity and selflessness. It came as no surprise to anyone who knew Steven Lopez and his beloved family that they were all organ donors and not only that but Shelly Lopez, Steven's oldest daughter had blood type O negative (the universal donor). Officer McO'Brianiganly's wife is dying in the hospital in need of a kidney transplant, doctors have given her just weeks to live. Now, thanks to unfortunate events for la familia Lopez., Officer McO'Brianiganly and his wife can live a long happy life together, just as they always imagined.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

#Last Christmas I gave you my heart #And as far as I know #The transplant was a complete sucess #And you have recovered from your operation #And are now well again #This year to save me from tears #I'll donate my kidneys

thumb_up thumb_down +11

How do you make a baby crawl in circles? Nail its hand to the ground

thumb_up thumb_down +11

roses are red violets are blue if you and your sister were hanging from a cliff i'd save your sister

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Your momma is so black, that her melanin levels are relatively high.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

"Mommy! Look, I found a turtle!" "that's no turtle." "Oh..."

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What did the boy with cancer get for his birthday? Roses on his tombstone.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Roses are red, Violets are blue, i know where you live now I'm coming for you

thumb_up thumb_down +11

whats white and smells like onions? an onion..

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What do an elephant and a can of soup have in common? They both can't ride a bike

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What do you get if you put a lepper in front of a fan A mess

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why did the black guy smell fried chicken? He had a brain tumour

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a bad chicken and it burned in hell.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why didn't little jimmy take out the trash? He is a rock

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Whats worse than driving a Ford Taurus? Driving two Ford Taurus'

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Q: what's worse than getting the flu? A: getting cancer

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why did Sally fall off the swing. She had no arms. Knock Knock Who's there Not Sally

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why was johnny so good at reading? Because he had 3. Toes

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops