- Anti Joke

What did the wife get her husband after he became a paraplegic in a car accident? Divorce papers.

What is small, slimy, and thrown in the garbage? A stillborn

A white man went to the basketball court to play basketball and was confronted by a group of black men. They kindly invited the white man to play basketball with them and they had a nice day

How do you get a Jew to jump off a cliff? You kidnap his family and threaten to kill them if he doesn’t.

What's worse than being single on Valentine's Day? Finding out your son has AIDS.

Hey Shea

Why did suzy not eat her breakfast? because i stapled her to the table.

Q: How do you count the population of Mexico? A: Take a census.

Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.

Roses are red, violets are red, Tulips are red, bushes are red.... WTF MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE.

punchline below punchline above

There is a high speed pursuit when suddenly the suspect's car skids out of control and crashes into a field. Two cows witness the commotion, when one turns round to the other and says "Moo"

Whats worse than getting a paper-cut? Getting shot. In the head. Three times.

Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A: A Woodchuck, also known as a land beaver, weighs 4-9 lbs. We can use the average weight of 7 lbs for the woodchuck. A 7 lb woodchuck would burn 4.8 calories in 15 minutes if it were engaged in chopping wood. We can make an assumption that chopping and chucking wood would burn a similar amount of calories. 4.8 calories is the same as .0191 BTU in 15 minutes or .075 BTU per hour. (British Thermal Units) Now the other variable is the type of wood you are talking about. Different types of wood and different treatments have different mass. For example, properly seasoned oak firewood should have a moisture content below 20%. Freshly cut oak wood could be as high as 90%. So obviously the moisture content will play a large role in the amount of wood chuckable by the woodchuck. For this example we will use 20% moisture seasoned oak fire wood. Since woodchucks are native to the eastern part of north america we will use White Oak. A chord (128 cubic feet) of seasoned White Oak weights between 2880 – 3710 lbs We can take the average weight and use 3295 lbs per chord or 3295 lbs/128 cubic feet. One board foot = a board that is 12 in × 12 in × 1 in One chord = 1536 board feet according to Unit Converter Pro So now we can divide 1536 board feet into 3295 lbs and know that one board foot of Seasoned White Oak is 2.14 lbs/board foot. 3295/1536=2.14. Now here is where the math gets fun. We know a 7 lb woodchuck will burn .075 BTU’s chucking wood for an hour. We also know the wood he is chucking weighs 2.14 lbs per board foot. Now the question is how many BTU’s does it take to chuck 2.14 lbs, let’s say 1 foot? According to Newton’s Second Law of Motion, the net force on an object is dependent on the mass of the object, and its acceleration during the movement. Force = Mass x Acceleration The common unit of force is the Newton (N). One Newton is the force required to accelerate one kilogram of mass at 1 meter per second per second. 1 N = 1kg m/s2, lets convert our wood chucking to metric for a bit to figure out this conversion. .97 kg = 2.14 lbs. So the woodchuck would have to exert .97 Newtons in order to move the wood one meter. If we divide this by the number of feet in a meter 3.28 we get .29 Newtons. Now we know it takes .29 newtons to move 2.14 lbs of seasond white oak 1 foot. All we have to do now is figure out the number of BTU’s in .29 newton and a quick look at Unit Converter Pro tells us that .29 newton = .00027486696489 BTU. Now we know that it takes .00027 BTU to move 2.14 lbs or one board foot of Seasoned White Oak 1 foot. We also know that a 7 lb woodchuck burns .075 BTU per hour chucking wood. Finally we simply have to divide these two figures .00027486696489 BTU to move one board foot one foot/.075 BTU per hour and we get: .0036 board feet per hour Answer: A woodchuck would chuck .0036 board feet per hour of wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood! Or not!

What does a blonde's pussy taste like? The same as her brain, cabbage.

God is like semen. They're both nouns.

Q - What do you call a bunch of white people on a bench? A - The nba - Cool Bean

Your momma's so fat she ate oranges and coffe

Why did the blonde die? She was slurped up by a 1,000 foot anteater.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, He cracked his skull and died on impact. He will be missed.

A man invites his Irish friend to his house. "Would you like something to drink?" the man asks. "Just kidding, we don't have any drinks." Later, they die of dehydration.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? It had cancer.

i put a oie in the oven, it baked

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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