A man is on an operating table. His heart stops beating and he suddenly finds himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter approaches him. "Welcome, my son," St. Peter says. "I can't believe it," the man exclaims, "I've died and gone to Heaven! I-" St. Peter interrupts him. "Not quite yet, my son. You must first answer three questions. You will only enter Heaven if I deem you fit to do so." The man nervously agrees. "All right. First question," St. Peter says. "Did you ever commit a sin and never sought forgiveness?" The man thinks long and hard. "No, I always made sure to apologize." "Splendid," St. Peter responds. "Did you attend church every Sunday?" The man loses some of his former confidence. "I may have missed the odd week." "That's fine," says St. Peter. "One last question... Do you believe you are worthy of entering the Gates of Heaven?" The man answers nervously, "Well... yes, yes I do." St. Peter smiles. "Congratulations, my son. You have passed the test, and may enter Heaven!" The man is ecstatic as the pearly gates open up for him. He enters Heaven and is astounded by its magnificent beauty. The man then loses all brain function and dies on the operating table.

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Q: How do get a person to leave you alone ? A: Suck out his eye-balls stuff them in your ears to muffle the sound of his screaming as you head-butt him into a fine paste. Then proceed to spread or squeeze sed paste on to delicious food substance and eat sed delicious food substance. Then carry on with the rest of your day like nothing happened. (P.S. Just ignore any letters about court cases or arrests)

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Q: How do you keep a carnival fish for more than a week? A: Place it in formaldehyde when you get home

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How many blondes did it take to screw in the lightbulb? Just one. She did a fine job.

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Why did the little girl's pet bunny pass away? Because her neighbor ripped out it's vitals.

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I stole all your jokes, I stole this one too.

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your mum

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Whats worse than getting shot in the foot? Watching each member of your family get shot in the foot.

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Actual jokes are now obsolete.

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Q. Where did Little Timmy go for Christmas? A. Auschwitz

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Why does Tim Teblow love men? Logan Cole told him to.

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What's black and white and red all over? A seriously infected scab.

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A woman walks into a bar. Guys aren't the only ones walking into bars.

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what do you call a blind man who buys a caller i.d.? handicapped

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So I was standing in line at the grocery store and this little old lady let me cut in front of her. It was neat.

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What's harder than steel? Beating Tetris. What's harder than diamond? Beating Tetris...

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Jesse likes to jack off and lick the white stuff off of his balls and digest it

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Friends are like lettuce; If you eat their head, they die

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A boy walk in. What did you think I was gonna add "into a bar"? Also, boys under the age of 21 aren't allowed to drink.

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What's the difference between a mexican and a park bench? One is a minority whose ancestors originally lived in the central american country of Mexico, the other is a useful convenience that provides a place to rest one's legs in a public place.

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There's an Irishman, a homo-sexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community!

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What did the fish want to drink? Charlie Brown

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Everytime God shuts a door, he opens a window... ...But I am the Goddamn locksmith!

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A: Why are black people so good at sports? B: Practice and determination.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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Anti-Joke Chicken

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