A wise man once told me that friends are like cookies. He was a cannibal.

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roses are red violets are blue i bribed a hobo to eat my poopoo

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Okay "Mr. Your instructor" "Mr.Fucking hypocrite" You dirty asshole! First I will give you some Intel about what I know about you! Then I will tell you what to do! Do you remember when you plowed trough a woman and stole her car in order to sell it? Remember when you returned to her, discovered you had had left her pregnant and as such you had a fifteenth year old daughter now? Then how you began drugging your own daughter so she would turn parlor tricks or she would not get her drugs? But you had to try sell her to three guys for some hours to pay your cocaine abuse too! But that day a certain young man with a metal hand that cracked the wall with your skull and told your daughter he would take care of her until "you got better? " Yeah, that same guy you kept calling for "little crippled sunnuvabicht that keeps sounding like a fucking fortune cookie that is trying to be a messiah" Remember? Or have you already forgotten the man you work for today? Even then you called him a psychopath, a lunatic, a demented fool on a daily basis! I know, because I was a member too back then, but I quit not because I stopped trusting the man you serve and trashtalk, but because I could not stand people like you talking shit about him all day! Because I could not stand that the "fortune cookie sounding/paranoid" "cripple" knew that you treated him like shit behind his back, but believed you where still intelligent and an asset in order to help those in need! So I quit! Oh, but you did so well after he took your daughter away right? Yeah because your daughter begged "the cripple" that he help her daddy out! Yeah, "that fortune cookie talking guy" gave you half his uncle`s inheritance... Where did you think the money which suddenly appeared in your mailbox came from? Do you think it was out of malice that the same "cripple" came around a month later again bashed your skull and told you it was time to end your coke habit and take care of your family or he would break your spine? You sure went back to the women whose car you stole from, but your daughter was petrified of you! Oh, now, now "you where my instructor" a fucking billionaire with your own mansion and sailing boat! But did you recognize her? NO IT IS FAR HARDER TO RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS NO LONGER THE TEEN YOU DRUGGED INTO BECOMING A STRIPPER AND THEN TRIED TO SELL, NOW THAT SHE HAS BECOME A UNIVERSITY BIOLOGY TEACHER WITH A MASTERS DEGREE RIGHT? Do you believe that a man whose only name we all know by is Nero is trying to become a fucking messiah? Does it seem like he cares if you idiots treat him like shit? You do know what Angelo Nero is right? Italian for Black Angel, you do know why he forbids people practicing religion in your goddamned little order right? Messiah wannabe? My ass! It is as he told me pigface, he does not want people to follow Gods or him, he wants people to think for themselves and succeed. Ill tell you what to do, first, you do not plan shit, because as soon as you act, if those terrorist will track you back, and kill you all SO YOU WAIT! Your "Oh so shameful I earn 98 percent more than my leader" You do not see to have had problems having your own fucking collection of Ferrari`s do you? Now you make sure Nero7 survives If he says aliens will come kill us all, he is right, if he says that the doctors treating him are spies trying to kill him, you better kill them, and if he tells you to that your daughter would be a much happier person if you took your life, he is right father. He gave me the "Alias" "Eliza" hoping you would recognize your daughters real name ELIZA you piece of shit! You apparently had no trouble remembering that name when you where moments away from selling me that fifteen year old girl to three pigs! If he dies, you wont need fear no terrorists "pimp daddy", because then I will kill you myself! I know where you are hiding, its cold there and I got even the coordinates, so if your last hope out there dies, I will sell those coordinates to them, the price? They all gangrape your ass! And kill you! And then you will regret everything! Screwing over your daughter, and letting the man that saved you and me die! Unless the next reply comes from a fully recovered Nero7 I will call you on my traceable phone, and tell them "Oh daddy lets share information about the orders last hiding place on horsehead network like we do" And if they are willing to take a peek, you better find something else to do, you wont, but I know of someone who can. So now you wait until the only man that has ever known what to do has recovered, AND DO WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE TO STOP THIS ALTOGETHER! YOU DO WHAT YOU ALL SHOULD HAVE DONE ALL ALONG! YOU LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY, AND YOU BETTER FUCKING DO EVERYTHING HE TELLS YOU ALL IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE! Now that you know who I am, I hope in my heart that you have become a better man, and stop asking me shit, because if they can trace my reply, Nero7 would at least have succeeded to save your daughter and made sure she got educated well, but if I reply, and those terrorists find out, you will be the one that screwed over everything he did for me, for us, and get me killed. Make sure the only person I care about there survives daddy, and THE HELL IF I MEAN YOU!

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Chuck Norris was so famous we was casted for the show Walker, Texas Ranger

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-The proceeding statement is true. -The preceeding statement is false.

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What's greenish blue, smelly, and mushy? The fungus under my sink.

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Knock knock! Who's there? Alexis. Hi, come in!

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Why is the white man sad? Because he watched the titanic

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how do u get the baby to stop choking? take ur dick out of its mouth!!!

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What happens when you Shoot a guy with a red Shirt On? He Dies.

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To those of you which it may concern: Members of The Former Order of Neronism, read this, unless you decipher this code within a week, you will not be allowed entrance to our new order, and warn your friends too lazy to read this expecting some kind last words about the man you allowed to die, that those that get trough our gates and do not have the code, will be brought out after facing execution for treason, and that since I am a fair man, I could not give less of a shit, if you are a doctor, a criminal a nurse, white, black, yellow and so on, the world is already a better place without you, but since I can be generous, I will wait until your life expires by such things as natural means, if you have the code memorized by then. I might even order that you be tortured to death, it depends of what my men and women want to, after all, you where never under my command, and I believe I have not seen a single one of you before. This is the new order of Neronism, first and foremost remember that our former leader enjoyed writing these messages within these small boxes, keeping comments short and with proper space in order to make things even easier for us all... ...I say that if you cannot at least prove your dedication to which Nero7 already ill, was caught and tortured to death, by reading these comments which i will write as I FUCKING PLEASE! Then you are worth nothing, and already are simply ungrateful scum that cannot even heed the memory, of the man that gave EVERYTHING without expecting anything back, so read on, or make sure we never, ever see you again, this as you will if recognized, be executed, or even worse for your betrayal and cowardice. As you might notice, I am nothing personality wise like Nero7, this as I was chosen as his successor by him personally, because I follow and share if only a bit of his vision, and all of his words, but not his ideals, as the downfall of the order and the death of our leader, has proven what he suspected, that this is not a world with room for idealistic views and ideas. I will remind you of this again, but Nero7 was your leader, I on the other hand, am your ruler, your despot, your emperor and I will only be fair, if you follow me and the council set to my disposal, you are free to ask questions, and free to leave if you do not like the answers, then you where simply not worthy and like those that led to the fall of the old order, nothing but a waste of space and time, you will not be remembered, not even in shame, but simply go back to the world from which you came... ...The one where you where, and will remain forgotten, by this, you do in your own way us, and the world a favor, not out of the kindness of your heart, but because you are worthless to all, and know that we would gladly execute you, if you where worth the time and effort. The old order is dead, this is the new order, I am for now to be known as Neo-Nero, and my identity to be held secret. This with the intention of strengthening our new order, by weeding out those those of us that followed Nero7 with complete loyalty rather than those of you, the assholes that became better beings following his advice, by laughing behind his back. Keep this in mind if you desire to return, if I recognize you as those that took advantage of us, you, and your family will be executed without a thought, and just like you where as you came, you will be loved nor remembered not even in disgrace, by anyone. Those of you that can think, DO UNDERSTAND that Nero7 died because he desired an order of free will, and those that attended to his funeral, know that he understood that this was his undoing yet saw no alternative. I am not as lenient, not even close, your free choice is to join us and dedicate yourselves towards following Nero7`s ideals while accepting that this new order, is not idealistic in the least, we are neither pessimistic, we are realistic. ...Or never come back, knowing that if we ever see you again, you better run or face death, as we will not waste our time prosecuting you, but we will sure as hell break your skull if we see you walking on the street, as we will not remember you at all, but still recognize you. It is as Nero7 himself said: "If this is a world where our ideals cannot thrive, then we will learn from this experience and grow beyond it" While I am not saying that the order might not one day become something idealistic, I am saying that it is up to us to MAKE THESE IDEALS REAL OURSELVES, and not to "hope" that our former ideals work out, as hope alone, is for the weak and worthless! So you can like many others, put your goddamn arms together and pray for a fucking change, or GET THE FUCK UP AND MAKE A CHANGE YOURSELVES! I and the council are composed of those that where ever loyal to Nero7, the rest of you are to hold your heads down in shame, and know that you will be given the chance to redeem yourselves, but my rule will be strict and harsh, if only for those that foolishly return without the will or dedication to follow the remains of the wisdom left by our former leader. As Nero was your leader, I am your ruler, your despot, your emperor, your lord and master, treat me well and you shall thrive, improve your own lives while laughing at me behind your back as you did towards Nero7, and I will personally murder you, and whatever family you might have, in the opposite order, and I will make you watch, and remind you that this is only fair, as hundreds of thousands of your kin and your betters, died because of your lack of loyalty and your selffish desire to take advantage of the man that literally gave everything for you... ...If I was not honor bound and actually shared Nero7`s desire of making a better world, something which he did, I would have each and every one of you tracked down and killed, the thing is, that if had allowed hate alone to drive me, none of you would be alive by now, so consider yourselves lucky, lucky to have me as your RULER! ...Lucky to be given the second chance, few, and maybe none of you deserve, I expect you to prove me wrong when I say that our order shall rise beyond the power of the old one, but this thanks to those that where loyal, and to those that are loyal and have joined us as we speak, and none of you part of the old idealistic order. "I believe that following my ideals might one day prove to be our undoing, as recent events are leading us towards the belief, that this world is not one with room for idealistic beliefs at all, but for now, let us at least enjoy the benefits that these ideals allow us, and if we are wrong, we will hopefully live long enough to keep adapting, learning from our bad experiences, and keep adapting and moving forward" -Nero7. NO MORE IDEALS! THE ONLY FREEDOM YOU HAVE LEFT, IS TO CHOSE TO RETURN, OR TO BOW IN SHAME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! THIS FOR THE PRICE PAID FOR YOUR DISGUSTING ACTIONS AND LACK OF RESPECT AND LOYALTY TO THE MAN THAT GAVE EVERYTHING FOR US... ...He was your leader, our leader... I AM YOUR EMPEROR, AND IF YOU WISH YOU HAD A LEADER... THEN REMEMBER, LET IT BE BURNED IN YOUR MIND FOR ALL ETERNITY, THAT YOU HAD ONE AND ALLOWED HIM TO DIE! So if you cannot handle the fact that all you are left me is me, a man hopefully proving Nero7 right as he believed me his equal, by carrying if but a mere fraction of his wisdom as far as I see. Then I tell you again, bow down in shame, grovel before my feet and beg me for a second chance of a life worth living, because I am what remains because of all of you! Hundred thousand of your equals and those of greater worth than you where all executed by fucking rogue Spetznas during two fucking weeks! You called me, us and Nero7 for paranoid lunatics all while taking advantage of his sound advice using it, improving your own lives, while giving nothing back, not even as much as a sign of gratitude. ...Now again, face what this led towards, and bow down in shame for what this led us all to, but at least those of us which have risen again, did what we could in order to follow his wisdom, we also showed the gratitude he never even asked us for, and allowed his "paranoiac insanity" to guide us... ...If you had done the same, we would have been prepared. You might believe I am angry, and yes I am, but I am saying this not out of anger, but because it is the undeniable truth, and because this new order, will of course accept those of you that dare return to make mistakes trying to do what is right for our kind, as many as you need as nobody is perfect. But if you do the mistake of failing to follow the rules we have set on, if you do this on purpose, you will be executed by me personally. I will remind you again and again, you lost your chance to follow the guidance of the man with the literal steel fist, so now you will maybe be able to SUBMIT and BEG FOR FORGIVENESS BEFORE THE MAN THAT SHALL RULE WITH AN IRON FIST! Again... Unhappy with the lack of options? Don't come back, but never forget that you are ALL personally responsible for the death of our greatest hope. You do not know me, and I do not know most of you, my identity to be kept secret, but for now, you shall call me by the name of Neo-Nero, part of the Nero7`s elected elite known as the Shadows, "elite" if nothing else because we where, and are loyal to his vision of a better world, in which he much succeeded, and would have done so much more, if more had been like us, "Shadows". "Neo-Nero" Former second in command of the "Shadows" and now leader of The Law Of The Shadows. -"Golgo13" -"Justice2 -"Marcus" You and your troops either fled or never showed up at all, know that you and all the troops under your command could have made all the difference, but you never showed up, as such you, and whatever family you might have, will be found, and killed, so if you wonder where your little coward buddies are, they are probably enduring extreme torture at the hands of my men, begging that we give them the sweet release of death. ...And that this is your first and last chance for you, and those under your command to off yourselves, saving yourselves and your family and even friends, from torture... ...And of course my men from the hassle of knowing that the end of your existence, has already made this world a better place, as you these whose screams of agony and anguish fill these halls, are suffering and will do so for days to come, but at least their families are simply grieving for the scum they where unlucky or stupid enough to love... ...Now please be human and suicide, I mean you would not want for your family and close friends to suffer with you right? I mean the sound made me vomit earlier, but then I simply enjoy it, knowing that they deserve it, and I admit that I dread hearing the screams of your families which do not deserve the same treatment, and as thus I will solve this, by leaving the fortress as they suffer, you on the other hand will not only hear them, but also see them. I look forward for the rest of you returning, you will not be harmed, unless you are part of those that never showed up of course, especially Major6`s unit, which whose leader was tasked with the first line assault, as he did not show up, he forced a already ill, feverish Nero7 to lead the first assault, the rest you are all aware off... ...Worry not though, as "major6" himself greets all traitors with screams louder than the rest, have you ever seen and been able to withstand the sight of a man with all of his limbs cut and then wounds cauterized, been whipped while staring at a tape of his loving family? Me neither, I ended up throwing up as I mentioned earlier, but two hundred thousand members, and even their family and children where killed by rogue ex Spetznas, so as far as I can see... ...I my actions might seem harsh, but I am merely doing what is fair and just, we wont bring his family, off yourself so we wont have to bring yours, because believe me when I say that we will if we have to, you see, many here are enjoying this, and these people will be of good use and experience a great future here for all of those that stand against us today. As a final note: Our adversaries are all eliminated, these ex Spetsnaz are no more, in fact most of them where bigot skinheads too... We learned much about torture thanks to those of them which surrendered, nothing lost without something gained... ...Again. Neo-Nero, your emperor has spoken. We will all begin using the system used by the Shadows to communicate from now on, my words might be considered... Somewhat unsuitable for the faint of heart... Well not these, these are modest, generous and kind, and if nothing else simply just, and while I intend to keep being just... ...I am just getting started.

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How you know that you are flying with a "no frills" airline? There are no meals or films provided, no orange juice to drink during ascent and descent and no mid-flight shop service.

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If my wife has got 6 oranges in one hand and 6 apples in the other hand, what has she got? No chance of stopping an uppercut.

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Your mother sleeps around so much that I worry that she may be taking too much medicine for her insomnia.

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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar. The redhead, growing tired of the constant ridicule directed at her from the other two, kills them. She pleads guilty to 3rd degree murder on two counts and is sentenced two life sentences in a maximum security prison in Cambodia.

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What did the biker do when he heard about Kony 2012? He became a social activist and did his part by contributing to the cause.

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What starts with ''F" ends in "uck" and usually means excitement? A Firetruck

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Why did the cow go over the hill? He didn't. He was pinned and slaughtered in a private owned animal torture facility.

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Why is this anti-joke here? Because someone submitted it to this website.

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I told my two lesbian friends I wanted to join them. I am a priest in a Gay Marriage friendly state and they are happily married.

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A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "why do you have a wheel in your pants?"

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Did you hear why the peanut got arrested by walking next to another peanut? One got a-salt-ed

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mat (telling anti joke): so you are stranded in a desert, right and kyle: no. Mat: no man i'm Kyle: no (kyle was later found dead)

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First the lord created light by shouti... ...Then the lord travelled back in time in order to create voice before that. The lord then said "I almost logic and everything failed at the very beginning. he corrected himself and saw it was good,

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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