Why didn't the millionaire jump off the Golden Gate Bridge? He said "I don't have to commit suicide, that's for poor people" (Wyndellberg)

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What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in front of your door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on your wall? Art.

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Why did suzie fall of the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not suzie!!

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Today I went to the grocery store. I purchased milk, eggs, orange juice, and my favorite breakfast cereal for $18.73. I subsequently got into my sedan and drove home.

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A man walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer. Bartender says, "That'll be $3.50." Man says,"The joke maker did not explain monetary transactions."

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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? - "Where's my tractor?"

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Why does it take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb Why? Because they're so darn stupid

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What do an Eagle and a sugar cube have in common? The fact that if let to disintegrate they both turn slowly to hydrogen after a period of time.

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Waiter, there is a hydrogen conducting carbon nanotube in my soup. That is part of the special, sir.

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Roses are red violets are blue... Only not really. Actually light is reflected off them and these colors show up soo....

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I'm funnY!!! Haha pënis

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How do you keep an idiot busy? Give him something to do.

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There are 2 carrots sitting in a basket. One carrot says to the other; I'm a carrot! The other carrot does not reply, because carrots do not speak. Now consider the possibility, that the first carrot was a talking monkey.

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What do u say to someone u don't like? I thought I'd let u no tht I don't like u...

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A priest, a rabbi and a scientologist walk into a bar. They discuss their various religious viewpoints until the scientologist gets a call informing him of his mother's death. The priest buys him a drink. Then the priest gets a call informing him of his mothers death. The rabbi buys him a drink. The rabbi gets a call. The scientologist expects it to be about the rabbi's mother dying, so he prematurely buys him a drink. It was actually the lottery commission telling the rabbi he won 48 million dollars.

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What do you call a man with a knife in his back? An ambulance

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Fine, the facts add up, excuse me if disinfecting what is left of my eyeball hurts like a bitch and reminds me of the fun I had losing about half of it and my eyelid left/right eyelid (I cannot tell left from right, I was born that way, on the bright side I can use both hands for everything). You know, I am sorry for taking such drastic measures, you know I could have spent the entire day with my wife and both my eyes, we where going on a trip around the world and stuff. Instead she is in police custody and I am stuck looking like a fucking pirate and my friend here does not quite get that its not the aching burning pain of living hell that gets to me, but rather the sensation of feeling pain at the core of my fucking eye whose sensation is so fucking overwhelming that I get just a little bit ticked off. Fucking hell am I glad we do not have a kid. I cannot pick up the phone, you see, its not my number, I paid off a couple of friends (do not really know them) To change their names to Nero. Now, if this is true and you have no idea who assaulted me, then you should have no problem knowing that I wont reveal where you live because we live pretty close to one another, you are not the only one that has proxies. If you do not mind you will have to chat with me here for a while, my eye hurts like a bitch and the fucked up sensation gives me just a tiny bit of anxiety, I will answer the phone, when my fucking hands stop trembling, I already dropped the fucking cell twice. Now it is busted and my friend is trying to put the chip into the other one yadayada, given the conditions I will call you,

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Roses are red Violets are blue If you need a poo.... ...hold it in.

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Roses are red..... violets are blue...... I have a gun get in the van

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Wanna see me count to ten? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

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Caller: Is your fridge running! Callee: ... umm yes? Caller: I guess you don't need my services. Thanks Callee: ok bye

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If you go to America, you won't see any fat black people. They're all dead and in prison.

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What do you call an asian that is black? Please tell me, I was asking a question.

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On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown how angry are you?

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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