How do you stop a clown from smiling? Hit him in the face with an ax.

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So there's this Norwegian monk who grows carrots. He is world renowned for his carrots. They are known to be the juiciest, most delicious carrots on the face of the earth. He spends a large amount of his time in his garden, caring for his carrots. Well one day, while he is in said garden caring for his carrots, a theif jumps over the fence and steals 2 carrots. He looks up and makes eye contact with the monk, almost as if to say "hey... i've got your carrots". He then quickly turns and starts to break for the fence, which is now a considerable distance away as the garden doesn't start until a few hundred feet into the fence line. While the monk is a man of peace, he is not going to let some thief just waltz in and start stealing his carrots. These are, after all, the best carrots in the world. So the monk starts to give chase, but only 200 feet into the chase the monk is out of breath. The monk cannot run. So the monk starts getting in shape, practicing his 400 meter dash. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And he becomes so good, that he becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in sprinting!! The next day, he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and a thief jumps over the same spot in the fence, runs to the same patch of carrots, and again takes 2 carrots. Only 2. "This must be the same thief" thinks the monk (as all the mannerisms are exact matches). "He's not getting my carrots this time" - the monk well knowing he is the monk champion in sprinting. So the thief turns to make a break for the fence, but the monk gives steady chase. He is not far behind when the thief gets to the fence, and simply leaps over. The monk is stuck. He can't jump. So the monk starts practicing hurdles.. hour after hour, day after day, weak after week. He becomes so good at hurdling that he becomes the monk champion that year in hurdles!! The next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when of course, the same thief jumps over the fence, and takes TWO CARROTS. He again looks the monk in the eyes, almost as to say "I will steal your carrots forever monk". So the monk gives chase. He is gaining pretty well on the thief.. I mean.. he was monk champion earlier that year in sprinting. As they get to the fence the thief jumps over, and looks behind him with a smirk. But to his surprise, the monk hurdles over the fence with the greatest of ease. The monk is really gaining on the thief now. They run through the forest, the monk so ready to finally catch his thief, and put his questions to bed. Now just 20 or 30 feet behind the monk, they come to the lake behind the monks house. Monk can't swim. So the monk starts taking swimming lessons, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and he actually becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in Monk swimming. So the next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when the SAME THIEF jumps over the fence and takes TWO CARROTS. They exchange eye contact and the chase begins. They run, they jump, they run, and then come to the lake. The thief jumps in and starts swimming away, but this time... well THIS TIME the monk is RIGHT BEHIND the thief. The thief is practicing breast stroke, while the monk utilizes dolphin swim. They make their way out of the lake, the monk now just steps behind the thief as they come to the mountain. MONK CAN'T MOUNTAIN CLIMB. So the monk starts practicing mountain climibing. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and you know what? He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in mountain climbing!!! So the next day the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when as expected, the same thief jumps over the fence, steals two carrots. Always two. It is clear now to the monk that, the thief could hold more carrots, and he's obviously physically fit.. why not take more? Two carrots alone cannot feed a family, or generate significant profit. It is this question most which bothers the monk. Why always two? Eager to have his question answered the chase ensues, and they run, and they jump, and they swim, and they run some more to the base of the mountain, the monk now just steps behind the thief. As the thief makes his way up the mountain, he pretentiously looks behind him with a smile, only to realize the monk is now an arms reach behind him! As they reach the summit, the monk FINALLY GRABS THE THIEF. Ready for some answers he flips the thief around. And as he does the thief judo chops the monk. MONK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT! So the monk starts practicing karate, hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And guess what. He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in karate?!?! Simply amazing, all that this monk has accomplished. So the next day, the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and the same thief jumps over the fence, as always, takes two carrots, as always, and begins to break for the fence. The chase is on, and the monk is ready for answers. They run, they jump, they swim, they run some more, they mountain climb, and at the summit, the monk again GRABS the thief and flips him around! The thief, in a display of desperation, DOUBLE JUDO CHOPS the monk, but the monk, crafty now in karate, blocks both chops and swiftly leg sweeps the thief to the ground. It is done. The thief is on the ground, the monk standing over him breathing heavy, comes down to one knee, and grabs the thief by the shirt, and pulls his back off the mountain so that their eyebrow lines meet, in a stare which can be compared to that of koala bear (relentless). The monk says to the thief "I don't care who you are... I don't care where you are from" ....... "just tell me why. Why always two carrots!? What are you doing, that you always need... TWO... CARROTS?!?". The thief now realizing his days of carrot thievery are over, complies with the monks wishes. He says to the monk "ok. I will tell you. But. This is so embarrassing. My actions with these carrots so unthinkable. The deeds so unimaginable... you have to promise never to tell anyone!" And the monk never did.

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Why did the swing fall off the girl? I have dyslexia

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting raped by a girl who was knocked off a swing by a fridge.

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Your mother is so fat that people make rude comments about her behind her back, but they shouldn't because she's a really nice lady.

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Where did Sheyanne go during the bombing...... Everywhere

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What's sad about 5 black men falling off a cliff? The master has no slaves.

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What did the man with no teeth say? I need some teeth.

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what did the boy say when his friend was having a panic attack? "don't panic!" rather earnestly in the hope that his friend's breathing returned to normal as panic attacks can be very uncomfortable and place too great a strain upon the cardio and respiratory functions.

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What's Big and Round? My Testicular Cancer

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whats small and tickles? pubic lice

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Hitler wasn't that bad... He DID kill Hitler.

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When the loaf of bread crashed the car the wife was mad. What do you think she did? She put Nutella on him toasted him and then ate him

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How do you get a black guy down from your tree? You tell him to do so.

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A guy who plays shooting games acquires an assault rifle but he doesn't kill anyone, why? Because he was a nice and peaceful man who loves his wife.

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Two elephants in a bathtub, one says, "Pass the soap." The other one says, "No soap. Radio?"

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Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side

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two men are sitting in a desk next to each other learning math when the equation 22+1 came up. the frist man says to the second, "24" and they both giggled. the second guy then slips his lips over the the first guy and whispers, "hey, i just thought of something funnier than 24" to which the first replies with a slight of laughter, "lemme hear it." so the second says with laughter "25".

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The woman says : OMG I am so hung over!! The man next to her has Terrible tourertts turns around and shouts I want my to make them hung over your face, her then moves away and rapes a apple of which he is eating, the woman turns around and dies as she has a brain tumor

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What does Helen Keller's parents do when she gets in trouble? They leave the plunger in the toilet!!!

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Why did the black man rob the store? Because he was hard on money for a reason not associated with race or stereotypes whatsoever.

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how much blondes does it take to fix a light bulb 1 to buy the bulb 2 to put it up and 25 to think about what it does

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BIM slowly fucks old women in the dark so they think its rape then he slips his hand up there ass and rips out there heart

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Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms Knock knock Who's there Not Sally

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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