My name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump.

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If a tree falls in the forest, but nothing is there to hear it, does it still make noise ? Yes, because whether the action of the three falling produces sound waves or not is not dependent on whether something is there to receive these waves.

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Glad to hear from you too (should I call you sister now? Thats gonna be a bit rough, but I guess I was never old enough to be your stepfather either this is making my headache worse, I sure as hell wont suicide... That unless you do not call my wife that is... Nah, its just that from what we have been seeing from the cams, these guys are killing people left and right, and well, if anyone of them kill the cops, these bad boys are going to kill everybody, and they obviously mean it. (Well I have also seen a lot of cartoon crocodiles playing the guitar on the wall which might come help us in a pinch, but it might sadly just be the fever). What I am trying to say, is that if my boys are as rusty as I arm (got it?) then they wont make it without the main man, actually, while I personally never wanted to fight for my people literally, especially not to the death, much of this is my fault too, I should have demanded that little bitches such as your father do as I say, or just leave the plac Never got the cigar joke huh? I always told you I am going to smoke my first last cigar the day I know I am gonna die, and while I did not mean it literally then, well... Its not a cigar its a stick of some very high explosive whose name I remember when I am not you know... Crocodilles, hey, its even Mickey Mouse there... Finally a chance to kill that piece of shit. Or maybe I wont smoke it, got to ask my "shadows" how strong it really is, I wont want to kill both of the assholes that got me, and every single of my followers in the process, good thing we got a nice bunch of members huh? And that many are here, and others found their way out somehow, because if we had less, they would all be dead by now... And I cant do shit, problem with my boys, is that they will do much better at infiltrating the place if they know of all the secret entrances and exits this paranoid son of a literal shedog put around... And look at them "Neronists" finally appreciating them as they get out of the place trough them. Well not all our places got them, told you I should have demanded what I wanted rather than... Never mind... Honestly, call my "shadow people" and them my wife, not sure how long I want to look at those that chose to follow me into what has already become a massacre, so if I make it, I will make sure those that remain not only listen, but actually fucking heed me or gtfo! It might just be the jaw hurting like hell again, but after this there wont be no Mr.Nice guy again... Not that there really was, I am just saying my new attitude will make people remember me as a pretty nice guy in comparison. I wont kill your father, seems like he will be suffering for life now, he knows he had many chances to change things around and now and he knows it might just be too late now. Either that, or that I decided to break all of his fingers after he attacked me... How dare a tall big man, attack a poor feverish crippled, demented, psychopath with a broken jaw... Did not help the thoughtless son of a bitch tried to punch me in... The Jaw... either. Damn, I was thinking about getting into action asap, but these "Black Shadows" wont get here in like two days, and then its two days to get back... Listen, id love a response, but I just got more of these medications "for my fever" but my jaw does not hurt anymore, and I am falling asleep, so either some douche pulled a roofie on me or that other pill I took was a painkiller. Take care, and remember, I always got a backup plan if the backup plan fails, aaaaaaand as I am starting to get very "whooly" in the head, I am just thinking: Nah if I get shot a lot, there is always Robocop right? Nerocop? Okay I assume this is just for robots and police officers, sorry to say this before I go nitenite, but should I tell you to call the cops on these guys? They have filled the place with explosives, its like a fucking die hard movie except with a lot less broken glass and... Not so many dead yet, I mean things have calmed down now that our vets are done struggling, sigh... Them veterinarians being all macho and not really defending themselves... Or was it war veterans... Mr Crocodile number seven is telling me that I should stop making fun of people dying (but people die all the time!) or else I wont get to kill Mickey Mouse. Anyway, holy crap these meds are strong as hell, my mouth is foaming like shit and I need to end because I am standing even though I cant feel my legs... Oh right, I am sitting holy crap! Take care girl, at this rate ill be remembered as the certain one that supposedly makes incredible promises, but then takes people`s souls... You know... GOD? *Cant stop laughing* Sorry just trying to find something profound to say, maybe some mighty last words such as... Oh right I am going to contact you tomorrow... ...Talk about "mighty" "last" words... I cant feel my... Well lets just say I better go take a leak just in case... I hope I was not always this much of a loudmouth fuck... I mean... Nah you turned out just fine after all... Its time you got to bed too, dont reply, call my wife, then call my brother, and tell him that he is a piece of shit, and that if I die, ill be waiting for him in hell... And then kill him for me. I believe his weakness is a bullet to the head. See you around, nitenite. Ps: Ironically no coding here, its just that while I cant stop talking, I cant speak nor shout either, cant move my feet, maybe breaking that baggots hands was a bad idea... This is like 15 minutes later, a couple of fucking nurses are gonna help me when I am done writing, two male nurses blargh, maybe they will just let me stay here if I keep on typing for all of eternity... Never mind, I typed in big letters "Get me those pretty female ones!" and then apparently did not delete it, they left, hopefully something... Lol... "Promise them a better life, and then claim their souls so they might eternally serve you" The Black Angel Or God? WHEN I survive I am gonna go back to posting these FACTS every once in a while here again. God Mathew 0:69 I believe... Sorry I keep forgetting who I am typing to, and my hands are so numb I cant mash the space butoon, oh wait its delete, or backspa... Anyway chat you up tomorrow kiddo.

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How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his kids.

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what's red and has seven feet? the red man who had seven feet as a result of a serious genetic mutation

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Q. What happened to the dog when he was kick in the privates? A. Nothing he was neutered a year ago.

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what is worse than a guy pissed?

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An SQL query walks into a bar, sees two tables and asks if it can join them.

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Q: Why are pine trees green? A: Because of the green pigments in the leaves known as chlorophyll which are used to capture sunlight.

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Q: What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? A: I don't know; I was too busy trying to find my camera.

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A white man and a black man enter a public toilet. When they both begin to pee, the white man looks over at the black man. He is dissappointed to find that the black man's penis is not large according to stereotype, and then feels slightly depressed over his closet homosexuality. Both men leave the toilet and never see eachother again. The white man cries himself asleep that night. 'I've been hiding too long' he thinks.

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Call me Ishmael. Or don't. Well, you can, but I'm not forcing you. You could call me Steve or Bob, it's not really that important. I'm just around here anyway to tell about a huge white dick. A whale dick. A SPERM whale dick. Never mind. Or the guy whose obsessed with it. No, it's not what it sounds like. He just wants to stab it with his harpoon. Wait, that sounds even worse. Whatever. Anyway, call me Ishmael...

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There was a boy and..........his dad said to go to the store to get his daily thing.........he went to the store and bought it......he came home and said.....HERE ARE THE EGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Why was the boy crying? His mother has terminal cancer, and his father does not have the financial stability to cover the cost of the surgery and keep up on house payments and buying clothes and food for the children. He will be living in a foster home in a matter of a week.

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In the attic lights Voices scream Nothin' seen Real's the dream Leaving the things that are real behind Leaving the things that you love from mind All of the things that you learned from fears Nothin' is left for the years Voices scream Nothin' seen Real's the dream Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic Lights, voices scream Nothin' seen Real's the dream Leaving the things that are real behind Leaving the things that you love from mind All of the things that you learned from fears Nothin' is left for the years Voices scream Nothin' seen Real's the dream Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic Toys, toys, toys In the attic

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Why did the hobo get hit by a bus? He wanted to kill himself.

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hey fat ass u want some butter with them rolls?

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There once was a plain Cheerio. He has a decent life with a low paying job and an apartment. One day, he decided to make his life more fun and started going to parties. He met some women and had a good time. He was happier and was soon promoted at work. The next day, he woke up and tasted himself, only to discover that he was now a Honey-nut Cheerio. He continued to go to parties and met a girl that eventually became his girlfriend. He became a manager at work and moved into an expensive condo. The next day, he woke up and tasted himself and was a Frosted Cheerio. He then quit his job and opened a club, where he became the most popular Cheerio in town. All guys wanted to be him, girls with him. At one party, his girlfriend asked him for some punch. He went to the kitchen but couldn't find any. There was no punch-line.

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Why did the blind man get hit by a bus? Because his seeing-eye dog was distracted by a squirrel and ran off, leaving the man in the middle of the cross-walk in heavy traffic.

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#So tell me what you want, what you really really want, so tell me what you want, what you really really want.# OhOk then. I'll take that photo of your mother.

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There are 4 people in a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes. But, the teenage girl says she is depressed and cannot go on. The older woman breaks down into tears because she is reminded of her rough child hood. The two 21 year old twins start crying, too, because they were corrupted by their alcoholic father who would come home and abuse their family. As they were all crying, the two pilots and the flight attendant took the parachutes and jumped. The older woman realized she went to flight school when she was young so she took control. They were are happy and drank a little bit too much alcohol and got drunk. The pilot also drunk and crashed into a huge skyscraper. This catastrophe was later named 9/11.

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a black, mexican, jewish, and white man fall off a cliff, who landed first ? all at the same time, they all died and there familys sued the clifff and commited sucicede

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A boy walks home from school. On his way home some bullies stole his kite. When the boy got home he was greeted by a police officer that told him that his parents had been killed. The boy started crying and the Police officer said " whats wrong?". The boy replied " some bullies stole my kite".

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how do you get rid of diahreah? Shove pepto bismo up your butt.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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