Who won the race between the turtle and the hare? Well, odds are the two creatures wouldn't race given that animals do not speak. However, if they were, the hare would most likely win a land race because of its powerful legs and agility. However, if the turtle happened to be a seaturtle and the race took place underwater, our dear little beloved turtle would win, having the advantage over the rabbit.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

What did Hitler get for Christmas? Some shoelaces for his shoes so he could tie his little knotsies.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

Where did Mary go when the bomb blew up? Everywhere.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

“Ok, time for bed” … is what I said to the empty living-room. It was getting late, and the internet no longer amused me. I picked up my cell phone, rooted through the couch cushions until I located the remote, and turned off the television that had been nothing but background noise for the last few hours. I made sure the front and back doors were securely locked, walked around the back of the couch, and turned off the only light. A tap on the screen of my phone created just enough light to keep from busting a toe on an errant table leg. Because my cats have an evil tendency to lie in the middle of the hallway, I aimed the small amount of light from my phone directly in front of my tired and shuffling feet. I’d only covered a small distance before I knew, from many nights of this same regimen, that I was getting close to the bedroom door. At this point my arm started the slow upward arc that would eventually illuminate the now pitch-black opening to the comfort of my room. The light emanating from my cell was quite dim, and this action had become quite rote, so my arc was about waist level before I noticed a slight variation of the familiar black of the open doorway. At that point, and in a disturbingly short amount of time, five things happened nearly simultaneously: My arm, the arm carrying the phone, continued to rise in its predetermined arc, having been an object in motion which would stay in motion. I released a small gasp and exclaimed to my husband that his sudden appearance in the dark had startled the breath from me. I remembered that my husband was at work. The light arc reached its apex on a face of protruding nail-like teeth. A face suspiciously bereft of eyes, with a gaping, oozing, bloody pit where a nose should have been. The light went out.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

A man goes to the doctor's office. The doctor says, "I have some bad news, and some worse news. The bad news is you have alzheimer's. The worse news is you have cancer." The man breaks down in tears.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road A. Because he needed to get to the other side

thumb_up thumb_down +11

so a man walks into a bar..... and says ouch.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Q: What is usually black , is a rectangle and has two circles? A: An i pod touch 4

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What did the father give to his son with terminal cancer for his 5th birthday? Nothing the kids going to die anyway

thumb_up thumb_down +11

I was watching two muffins baking in an oven. One said to the other, "Wow, it's hot in here." The other one said "Wow! A talking muffin!" I went to my psychiatrist the next day, to increase the dosage on my medication.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

A man walks into a bar, ouch!

thumb_up thumb_down +11

A Mexican walks into Taco Bell, because it is the only restaurant within walking distance of his workplace.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Knock Knock Who's there? Just open the damn door.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why did the editor lose his job at a poetry magazine? Because he's worthless.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

A man walks into a psychiatrists office with a banana in his ear. The psychiatrist says, why do you have that banana in your ear. The man says, "What?" The psychiatrist says, "I said, 'Why do you have that banana in your ear?" The man says, "What?" The psychiatrist shouts, "I SAID, WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT BANANA IN YOUR EAR?" The man says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm deaf." (props- Marty Smith)

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Columbine Massacre

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Believing in God may be a sign of autism Kappa

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What do you get when you cross a muffin with chocolate chips? A chocolate chip muffin.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why couldn't Matilda walk to school? Because a dog ripped her legs off.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why did the girl take a shower? Because she was dirty

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What is worse than getting stung by a wasp? Getting raped by a sexually frustrated bear.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What are crabs with out the crabs Nothing hahahahaha

thumb_up thumb_down +11

when life randomly gives u lemons, u should probably have a stand cuz people are gonna expect u to make lemonade

thumb_up thumb_down +11

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but the real question is why there are two flies having sex inside a light bulb.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops