I used to work at a chemical plant manufacturing hydrochloric acid. I couldn't handle it. One day a container exploded and I got severe chemical burns on my face. The scarring is awful. It has ruined my life.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "Devout Semites," the parrot replied.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

How do you get a blind man out of a tree? Yes.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why did the first monkey fall off the tree? becuase he died Why did the second monkey fall off the tree? because he was stapled to the first monkey Why did the third monkey fall off the tree? monkey see, monkey do

thumb_up thumb_down -3

how did the man die from falling out of the window his angry x- friend pushed him.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Dylan F fell off a bridge Landed in some water and was ok 2 days later he got bit by a shark He is now in a coma

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What did your mom say when Quinn Griffith Randel walked in the door? Hi.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. It was hanging on a clothes line he didn't see.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

"Ask me if I'm a tree," "Are you a tree?" "No."

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Yo mama's has so much acne, I decided to give her proactive.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What did the German say to the Jew? Sorry.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why did the chicken cross the road? The parking lot was across the street from KFC.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why did the plane crash? Cause the pilot was a loaf of bread.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Your mamma's such a whore, she sleeps with men who pay her.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

So you into art? You been to Louvre by the way?

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why was the squirrel late for work? Because the traffic was nuts!

thumb_up thumb_down -3

The teacher hands out tests to the students and some of the students say to the teacher "what does 'no grade' mean?" The teacher responds, "Oh I need to grade them still.")

thumb_up thumb_down -3

roses are red violets are blue you think shes hot? how BLIND are you?

thumb_up thumb_down -3

My mother has chlamydia. That's it.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

What's a Mexicans favourite video game? It depends on his/her personal preferences.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

How do you keep a black man out of your back yard? Tell him to go away.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

I told my wife she was like a fine wine She asked if it was because she improves with age. I told her yes All was well.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

A man is on an operating table. His heart stops beating and he suddenly finds himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter approaches him. "Welcome, my son," St. Peter says. "I will ask you one question, and that will determine whether you can enter Heaven. Did you ever commit a sin and never sought forgiveness?" "No," the man replies, "I always made sure to apologize." St. Peter smiles. "Congratulations, my son. You may enter Heaven!" The man is ecstatic as the pearly gates open up for him. He enters Heaven and is astounded by its magnificent beauty. The man then loses all brain function and dies on the operating table.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Two gorillas walked into a bar and it hurt

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops