In Soviet Russia You drive car, because a car driving you would be screwed up

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A drunken man grabbed a gun and shot his entire family to death. Luckily, a even drunker man had shot them moments before, so it really only served to ruin the perfectly good wall behind them with bullet holes.

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Knock Knock? Who's there? (No answer)

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What did the anorexic girl say to the skilled psychologist? Fuck off you'll never understand me.

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A black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy walk into a library. They were getting help from the Asian guy on their math homework.

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how do you know your sister is on her period? you dads dick taste like blood.

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What did the broom say to the vacuum cleaner? "Your mom sucks."

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Q: Do these jeans make me look fat? A: No your fat makes you look fat.

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Q. What's long and hard and full of seamen? A. A penis. Oops, I misspelled "semen". Sorry. Also, to clarify, this doesn't describe the normal state of the average penis. Usually they are flaccid, and they can only be said to be "full of semen" at the exact moment of ejaculation.

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Tim and Jim are Telling Jokes Tim: Knock Knock ... Jim does not respond because Tim has a mental disorder causing him to believe in hypothetical doors and thus ignores him so that he does not upset his friend

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Why are hurricanes named after women? I don't know I was asking you

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A man buys some expensive lingerie for his wife on the occasion of their 10th wedding anniversary. After a lovely candlelight dinner at home, he tells her to close her eyes at which point he retrieves the gift box containing her anniversary present. Thoroughly exited, she rips open the box and takes out the beautiful garment, holding it up to the light in wide-eyed amazement. Her husband gives her a suggestive wink and says "would you like to join me in the bedroom to try it on?" To which she replies, "I AIN'T YER WHORE!"

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Your momma is so fat she has an increased risk or cardiac arrest due to obesity. I ridicule her based on the theory that her morbid obesity is due to the fact that she has a diet consisting of large amounts of calories and high fat content and/or she is known to be very sedentary and does not partake in physical exercise. However, if this increase in body fat content is due to genetics I retract my previous statement and wish only the best for her, also, you might want to lower your calorie intake and visit your local gym, lest you succumb to morbid obesity, much like your mother.

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Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? He died! Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was attached to the first! Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? He thought it was a game! Why did the fridge fall out of the tree? The branch broke! Why did Sally fall off her bike? She got hit by three monkeys and a fridge!

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Q: What did the mute kid say to his mother ?

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What's worse than getting tripped? Getting shot.

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A duct walks into a bar. The writer meant to write duck and then proceed to make a clever joke but instead a typo was made and a very unlikely occurence was writtern about considering air passages are not capable of walking and would most likely already be in the ceiling of the bar as too bring fresh air into the bar is important.

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Q: Why was the man eating his foot? A: Because he was a part of the circus.

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weston cage

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How many babies does it take it to feed a grown man? It depends on the size of the man, how hungry he is and how big the babies are.

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Q: What is better than sex? A: A relationship where you can be completely intimate with your partner

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Why couldn't little Susie ride her bicycle? She had Cerebral Palsy.

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What did the French-Italian couple name their child? Angelo Pierre Smith, giving tribute to the father's uncle Angelo, and the mother's great-grandfather, Pierre.

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Mary had a little lamb. Then Died.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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