A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.” The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?” The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

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A guy walks into a restaurant and sits down only to realize he is not wearing any pants. Immediately the police are called and arrest the man for indecent exposure. Given there were children in the restaurant at the time, the man is also charged as level 3 sex offender and is held on $100,000 bail. His family receives the news and become the talk of the town. His wife commits suicide from embarrassment, leaving her 10 year old son up for adoption who later gets involved with drugs due to his rough childhood.

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Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? Approach with caution as drowing victims can panic, thus pushing you under. If possible throw a floatation device rather than go in yourself, or hold out a stick and instruct them to grab one end while you pull them in with the other. If necessary perform CPR. Call an ambulance and monitor for hypothermia.

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How many victims of the holocaust does it take to screw in a light bulb? Zero. They're all dead you sick fuck.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, but I'm late for work.

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i see trees are green, Roses are red, Violets are blue and i think to myself What a Wonderful World

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Why did the cat cross the road? To see its mom who was lying dead on the other side

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i like my coffee like i like my women... Without a penis

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Your mum's so fat, she attends regular weight loss facilities to lose weight.

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"who you calling pinhead" tell me you know what thats off

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why did the girl fall off the slide? she was pushed, by her dad...

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Knock Knock .... Knock Knock .... Pum Pum Pum .... LAPD! open the door!

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why did the woman call the police? because there was a murderer pointing a gun at her at her son.

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Knock knock. Who is their? Grammar. Grammar who? Of course you don't know.

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How many men does it take to change a light bulb? One.

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In soviet Russia...things are different

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A guy named John wanted to finish his life. Now he is dead

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Why did the blond get fired from her job at the M&M factory? Because she threw out all the M&M's with W's on them.

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what sits in the corner of a room and gets smaller and smaller? a baby combing its hair with a potato peeler

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Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms

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whats worse than the smell of nail polish? burning jews.

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How much does a polar bear weigh? About 800 pounds

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“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't divide by zero.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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Anti-Joke Chicken

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