A man walks into a bar and sees two girls making out. He orders a drink and leaves.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Knock knock. Who's there? The police. Open up. We have a warrant for your arrest.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Alien vs. Predator = Evil Staplers vs. Evil Jamaicans

thumb_up thumb_down -5

What do you call a boy with no arm and no legs in a fire? Screwed.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

why couldn't jonny ride on a swing? he had no arms or legs why didn't jonny have any arms or legs? he's a potato!

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Three guys walk in to a bar. One got a concussion.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Why do black people like chicken? Because it's tasty, nutritious and easy to cook.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops of vanilla ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

a sausage maker buys a box of cereal

thumb_up thumb_down -5

What did the vibrator say to the condom? Watch, I'll get laid before you do!!!

thumb_up thumb_down -5

What is colored and looks good hanging from trees? Oranges. Get your mind out of the gutter!

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Why did Suzie fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Suzie!

thumb_up thumb_down -5

why did the the frog cross the road? because he was on the chickens back

thumb_up thumb_down -5

What do gamer see in his nightmare? a peasant build 4 houses and gets stuck between them.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Q: What does the fox say? A: Nothing. Foxes cannot talk.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Why didn't the chicken not get across the road? Cause it's head got shot off by some drunk asshole

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Why couldn't Sally celebrate hollaween? Because she's not allowed to take candy from strangers. Also Sally died a week ago in a car crash.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

What's green and brown, and if it fell out of a tree on you it would kill you? A billiard table?

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Guys, I think I'm gonna apply to join the Crips. My SAT score is a 2050, and their average score is a 2200. My GPA, however, is a 4.6, and their average is only a 4.2. Do you guys think that they will take me? Or should I try and apply for the Bloods?

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Your mother is so fat because she inherited poor genes and dietary habits from her own parents.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Hey its Nero7 (seriously I can go back to Nero now that all other six have been murdered) I can help myself from laughing, not because your "pimp daddy" is crying like a bitch here (I can punch his skull in with a certain arm again if you want), but because I think it was about time you told him how it is.... Okay, and because (sorry babe I dont mean you no harm) "pimp daddy" is so fitting that its funny, but hey, I fucked up by trying to get him to know you again, I might just redeem myself not by breaking no concrete with his skull, but rather by breaking his skull with concrete. Listen, you better stop using your real name (leave that to a crazy fuck like me, nobody believes its even on my birth certificate anyway (crazy ass parents these days huh?) It will all be okay, the other "Nero`s" went down the way they always wanted to, fighting for whats right, fighting for the good of their people... ...Still feel like shit, my head is not clear yet, but I have a backup plan for all my backup plans ;), I was hoping things could always be resolved peacefully, but you might have heard me talk or type about "my shadows" or "The shadows of Nero right?" Lets just say that I more than once met that fuck which walks around the hidden cameras once in a while, and that if he is the leader, he is indeed the leader of a group of spetznas that went rogue... ...Guess its time I told you, these "shadows" are a bunch of spies and assassins I trained after getting trained by a couple of our members that work for a certain... "Federal Bureau Illegal" You are right about me wanting to do the right thing, but if you had believed it was about talking about how to achieve peace and love all the time, I will have to disappoint you... As much as I once hoped that was possible today these guys are trained and proven spies and assassins, and I well, not anymore, too old, but this is worth a shot. A couple days, give or take, and ill be fine, Ill need you to decipher this message (yeah thats why it is unnecessary long sugar bear on for me) Tell my boys that "The Mr.Black needs his shadows" And give them the coordinates, and for fucks sake, do not tell them anything else, or else they will most likely come for their caller instead. If they have any questions they will call you back, its that simple... A lot of good came out of this you know, maybe this dream will soon become my vision for those that seek out the darkness again, because at this point, I bet that at least some people, will at least try respect The Last Nero again... (Let us never use that name again) Hey, ill make sure I have a backup after this backup, and I will "call you here" yeah those numbers after the phone number embedded in this message, is the day and time (AM) ill contact you again, and if things dont work out... Ill finally get to use my lighter, and lit this stick of cigar I have been keeping around for years, and have one last smoke in a boom of glory. Hey, speaking of bull, I lied to you back then, I am not 45 or whatever I said, I am 35, I just did not want you to think you where being raised by a kid back then, and in case you wonder why I never brought you back to your mom, its because I spoke with her and she was never really against the idea of your dad making a bit of coke money as long as he shared... Need to lie down for a bit, lost my contacts, so I am back to using these dorky glasses, when my Shadows call you back, please tell them to send Mr.Black some contact lenses, or a couple of field glasses, ill need them. Love ya girl, please call my wife and tell her that I love her, and that ill do my best to make it back... Sigh, for dinner or something... Just let her know again if you never hear from us again eh? Ps: If you want me to kill your father (he has lived a good life, and I made sure he lived one too good for an asshole) then send me the secret code "yes kill my "pimp" daddy. Please reply, and then its time you go to bed... Says the guy that just admitted he is four years older than you... Sorry for that...

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Good work kids, I would have told you later, but had to know how deep their infiltration had gone. Tell Necrissa that we where convinced she had gone down, and that we are all relieved to know she is alive. I an Liz gave them the coordinates for Ground Zero, whose members we where able to get to safe locations yesterday, Its time to play a game of diversionary tactics here. We are expecting our enemies to arrive at, and enter Ground Zero, at that point we will seal the entire damn bunker off and detonate the whole thing, this should not only buy us enough time, but also allow us to pick off whichever enemy targets make it out alive. While our main communication lines are still largely unsafe, I have discovered several other ways we can communicate trough the internet without exposing ourselves. So far only I and some of the boys have received minor wounds and will make it trough, at ease, if we have counted our enemies right, there is no reason you should fear any reprisal, their numbers are dropping hard and fast. There is no reason to search for Nero1 trough 6 they are all down for good, I suppose its time to let the second generation take over from here on, as you know, I always have a backup plan, and as such you might leave the designated sectors and join us at Ground Zero or secure other areas, this time I leave the method of aproach and tactics up to you, as I am literally losing my mind because of the fever and the fucking cold here, still I ask that you send fifty of you to check of for Liz and her family, remain there until this is over. In time we can leave this for the authorities, but the remaining sectors not under our control, and not to mention whatever people the authorities send, so I leave this all up to you. Seems like most, if not all of the members these assholes executed where those that infiltrated us to begin with for whichever reason, as such the body count for those we can consider our own remains at least for now, minimal at worst. By the way (I almost forgot, health not so good here) our team managed to sever their communications, so they are left in the dark just like us... Which means we got every tactical advantage. The only thing that bothers me now, is that we have no choice but to bury Ground Zero, that thing cost us a fortune and too much time and effort to construct, with that said, it is already loaded with enough explosives to sink four cruisers (better to overdo it than leave these assholes alive) Not sure about you boys, but as far as I am concerned, this will soon be over, as for their leader (lets simply call him "Ivan") he is nowhere to be found, and unless you caught him (or worse killed him, both things id expect you to let me know by now) he is aproaching Ground Zero at this moment, meaning that he is indeed sending everything at us. So far he has told us that he is part of a much larger force, if this turns out to be true, then I dunno about you Shadow Men, but I believe that this would mean it is time for payback, not necessarily for revenge, but to make sure this never repeats itself. Consider this all good news men, I long suspected there where many many bogus members among us, and now it seems their superiors have cleaned them all up for us leaving those truly loyal and a fresh start. We can mourn the loss of our "Nero`s" later, for now I suggest you wait until Ground Zero is down, and await further orders. If all goes well, it wont matter if they can hear us or not in fact I want their leader to hear us by then, and do not worry, he is not at any location we might know of, but this way, we might be able to easily lure him out, and finally find out if this is his own little solo operation, or if he is part of something bigger. Final note: Now that we know who`s really on our side, expect reinforcements, there are more shadows out there, meaning that if you have had an easy time so far, things should be piece of cake from now on, they will identify themselves as per usual and bring you further... "assets" for our continued success. I am pretty sure this is far from over though, I happen to have met and trained with this "Ivan" a few years ago, and he works for the highest bidder meaning he is unfortunately working for someone with the cash to pay for at least one army, on the bright side, whatever higher ups sent him, they havent gotten anything for their moneys worth. Plan summary: Wait for the second and third batch of "shadows" to join up with you in just a few hours, then retake the remaining sectors, in the meantime the rest of us are freezing our asses off at the fittingly named Ground Zero which we KNOW the enemy is coming for, hopefully anytime soon, we will wait for about half of their force to enter the base, then drive the rest inside what they are bound to believe will give them the tactical advantage, and then trigger a small remote explosive, which should cause a major chain reaction, killing them all except for "Ivan" which prefers watching at the sidelines, good for us, bad for him. Gotta leave for a while now, I am still very delusional from this fever thing and seeing shit that is not there, so unless I take it easy, things might get a bit more complicated. Seriously boys, before your main man came up with a bit of old fashion diversion tactics I thought I was gonna die and was ready to do so... Its probably just the fever and my fucking jaw hanging and hurtin bad, but I am almost a bit disappointed to remain alive. Great news, our main network is secure, I repeat our main network is secure, there is no reason to use Horsehead from now on, and it is only a matter of time before we can at the very least consider using our good old "cellphones" for more "intimate" communication, but lets not get ahead of ourselves, this is no time for bromance. Damn... Viscount just passed away, not from the cold but from sniper fire earlier, we have of course relocated since, yet they are just toying with us at this moment, the brunt force of their guys are losing their patience and will soon arrive, this should be fun. Ps: Make sure you send at least 50 men to check up on Liz, and do not leave her side until this is over, my wife is safe and sound as well, and as mentioned above, I got shot a couple of times in the leg, but I if I die, it certainly will be from the fever, and not from any minor damage, and the fever aint that bad. Lets keep our main communications where it belongs, I am sure people would like to post their little Anti-Jokes in peace, at least until I am back and controversial again, which wont be for long... Feverish man has to have some fun once this is over... Do not reply on horsehead, and if I might suggest so, focus on stealth from here on in order to keep the friendly death count down, I suggest you disable their explosives, and leave the rest for the authorities, just make sure you dont make it in the news or something huh? We wont succeed in our goals if our existence is compromised, and once it is, the world is really gonna apreciate/hate our actions, setting second and final objective into motion. Id tell the shadows to watch over you or something cheesy, but I just remembered that you are the freaking shadows. Now, reply all you want, but on our station and make sure most of you stay alive, we might most likely have to prepare for some payback shortly as the "Ivan" I knew some years back, would never pull this himself... ...On the bright side, he and his "ex comrades" likes working for the South African drug cartel, meaning we wont have to take on any Russian leaders or anything sketchy like that... ...If we have to though, we will. Okay, head is throbbing now, going to conserve some energy for the final push, leaving the newly appointed "Nero1" to handle the communication with you in the future. Of hell, btw, do not even dream of sending any reinforcements over here, the lesser we are, the harder we are to find, and the most likely it will seem like we have retreated into Ground Zero`s main bunker. Id say good luck, but leave nothing to chance, this is not about luck, and if it had been, my team would have been fucked over already, so... Uh... Proceed or whatever they say.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

What's worse than a dog peeing on your new flower garden? A terrorist attack.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops