A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "Devout Semites," the parrot replied.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

A man walks into a psychiatrists office, naked but wrapped in Saran Wrap. The Doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

thumb_up thumb_down -16

What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Women's rights.

thumb_up thumb_down -18

Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

thumb_up thumb_down -18

It's that time of the month again... ...to cut my toenails.

thumb_up thumb_down -18

What do you call a fart in a box? Your mom's pussy.

thumb_up thumb_down -22

Two Canadian men are sitting in a room. Man 1: Do you know what happens when you shoot a wolverine? Man 2: No. Man 1: It absorbs the bullets, duh. The second man proceeds to go outside with a gun. He returns in a few minutes. Man 1: What did you do with that gun? Man 2: I shot a wolverine. Man 1: What happened? Man 2: It fell over and died. I think you watch too much X-Men.

thumb_up thumb_down -22

A group of cows boarded a spaceship and was launched into orbit around the Earth. It was the herd shot around the world.

thumb_up thumb_down -22

Are you antijoke.com. Because you are a faggot.

thumb_up thumb_down -30

Why did the ginger go to hell? Because after all the bullying she endured for her hair color, she felt her only option was to commit suicide.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

There was a golfer at the field where people usually golf. he had a golf club. so did the man next to him. The man i spoke of first hit the guy that was next to him with a golf club. Why? because he was angry at the man for shoving socks down his daughters throat and extracted her eyes with a melon scooper. This should not be humorous, the girl got blood and eye juice on her fathers new shoes when she came home.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

I used to get on Facebook, then someone asked me to save a child in Africa by liking a picture of Jesus or ignore it and go to hell

thumb_up thumb_down -32

You know what's funnier than a pile of dead babies? A pile where one's alive in the middle, and has to eat his way out.

thumb_up thumb_down -34

What has four legs and is always ready to travel? Siamese twin fugitives.

thumb_up thumb_down -34

A moose walks into a grocery store. He goes over to a cashier and says, "On what aisle are the potates?" The cashier replies, "Aisle 4." The moose went to aisle 4 AND THERE WERE NO POTATOES!

thumb_up thumb_down -34

stinky boner

thumb_up thumb_down -34

Why don't birds cry when they get hurt, lose a loved one, or watch opera? How the f*** should I know.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

What's grey and doesn't climb trees? A car park.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Why is my son so unhappy? Because I beat his mother violently in front of him

thumb_up thumb_down -36

your friend is so gay that he cuts of dicks as his part time job. and enjoys it.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

What's the difference between a black man and a Ginger? Their pigmentation.

thumb_up thumb_down -38

A man walks into a bar and says "ow"; he stepped on a nail sticking up through one of the floorboards. He then sues the bartender for a large sum of money because of the injury he sustained, and causes the bartender to lose everything he owns in order to pay off his debt.

thumb_up thumb_down -40

A man walked up to a fork in the road. He bent down, picked it up, and continued on his journey.

thumb_up thumb_down -40

David walks into a bar. Someone shoots him. Now hes dead.

thumb_up thumb_down -42

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops