Dad, if I say shit or somethin... Dad: FALCOWN PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCH!

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You know what's addicting? Heroine.

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What goes down well with whiskey? Pedestrians

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What do family members and a loaf of bread have in common? If you smash them with a hammer they die.

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If a tree falls on a woman, and no one is around to hear it, what is a tree doing in the kitchen?

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What do you get when you cross scabies with genital warts? Krusty Krabs.

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Haikus are easy but some of them don't make sense but some of them do

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Your dad is so hairy, that he shaves to look more cleanly.

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What's the difference between a book and a house? Their names

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good pick up line hey baby have u seen my heart cuz i think you stole it

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Hey I'm a poet and I didn't even realize that I was a poet

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A talent agency is giving auditions and is just about to rap it up when a family shows up. They reluctantly agree to their "brief" audition given that they had found no suitable talent that day. The routine starts with the father starting 6 chainsaws at once while simultaneously starting a juggling/lumberjacking routine. His beautiful wife proceeds to toss him additional chainsaws (as he continually throws them for dramatic effect) while also maintaining a hypnotizing dance which seems to drain your desire to leave from your very soul. The children take turns jumping in between the chainsaws while doing a silent replay of the movie, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." After it plays out the father tosses the final chainsaw up in the air which lands standing straight, quivering in the dust of the studio. The studio manager says, "Why that's an AMAZING act!! I'll sign you right now! What do you call your act?" In response to which, the father ****s on his desk.

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Do I know any jokes about sodium hypobromite? As a matter of fact, I do. It goes: "Do I know any jokes about sodium hypobromite? NaBrO."

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When will Abe Vigoda be alive again? Never. There will never again be a time when Abe Vigoda will be alive. For example, Abe Vigoda will be dead for the entirety of the year 2038. He will continue to be dead if we move forward to the year 2091, and even if we keep jumping forward throughout history, stopping in the years 2250, 2871, and 3546, we will not land in an era when Abe Vigoda will be alive. Another way to look at this is to imagine Abe Vigoda had died in earlier years. Let's say he had died in 1902. Would he be alive today? The answer, sadly, is no. We get the same answer if we suppose Abe Vigoda had died in 1822, 1715, or ~ 85,200,000 BPE. To sum up, it is not precisely accurate to say that Abe Vigoda will be dead for a very long time. That implies a limit on the amount of time he will be dead. There is no limit.

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ah-ah. the proper response to an anti joke.

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How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? If the socket were 20 feet in the air, it might take 4 blondes with really good balance. Then again, it might not matter how many blondes there are because there are no replacement light bulbs, the don't have transportation, and the nearest store is 10 miles away. In conclusion, I would say that the number of blondes it takes to screw in a light bulb is dependent on the individual situation at hand.

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How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Assuming the fact that these children are in fact deceased, it would be highly inprobable that they could perform any task. Or that they would need to see any light at all, since the point of that dark room is to keep them concealed.

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One time, I called the police, but it was actually a fire. So my neighbors died.

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What's worse than finding a worm in ur Apple? Finding a worm in ur poop

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what do you call a Mexican driving a plane? a pilot you were probably to racist to work that out

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What is wet, white and sticky? Glue, of course.

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Where does a one-legged waitress work? Wherever she can get good health insurance.

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a black man has a shotgun. having an IQ of 11 he shot his hands off

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Q: Why can't Carl drive? A: Carl is a stone

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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