- Anti Joke

Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

A Jew man gets on a train. He sits down and a hour and a half later he is dropped of at his proper destination.

A farmer had a decent racing horse that one day had twins. He called the twins Edward and Tobias. The colts were incredibly healthy and competitive, from a young age they would run together. Whenever the farmer would lay out some new hay or corn feed, the two colts would race, pushing each other as hard as they could to see who would win. Tobias always won, but it was always a close race. The farmer, noticing how competitive they were, decided to enter them in a racing competition. Their first race both horses were very excited. Ed said to Tobias “Good luck, may the best horse win.” Tobias responded “Same to you, let’s beat these other guys!” Well the race started and Tobias and Edward took off, taking an early lead. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. The other horses were completely destroyed in comparison. “Good race!” Edward told Tobias, and Tobias agreed. The farmer realized that he had made bank, that somehow he found two golden tickets. He entered the horses into many other local competitions and every time his horses would destroy the other horses. It always ended with Tobias barely beating Edward. Eventually the two horses found themselves in a larger arena. They were at the state fair. Edward turned to Tobias and said “I’ll get you this time!” Tobias responded “Meh, I don’t actually care if you or I win, so long as we beat these other idiots!” Another horse snorts Edward said, “Good luck!” Tobias responded “You have good luck too!” The race started and Tobias and Edward took out of the gates. It was a tough race; the other horses were able to keep up with Edward and Tobias for the first lap. But the two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had a lead over the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. Panting, Edward congratulated Tobias. A few years went by and now Edward and Tobias were professional race horses. Their competition put them in the spot light of many the newspaper. Ever was Tobias the main headline though. Even as they got older, Tobias would always beat Edward. One day they found themselves in the Kentucky Derby. In the starting gates, Edward turned to Tobias and said “I will get you this time, I know it! This is the race, here, in front of all these people.” Tobias responded “We’ll see brother, first we have to beat these other horses. None of them are poor runners either.” “Agreed,” Edward responded, “But it would be nice to beat you just once.” “You’ve always been the one who pushed me so hard.” Tobias responded. Edward said back, “And you’re the reason I’ve always worked so hard too.” Another horse vomited in its starting gate. The gun went off, the gates opened up. Tobias and Edward took off. They were trailing the leaders, but didn’t seem to mind, they were in their own world. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had caught up with the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. It finished with Tobias in first and Edward a very, very close second with another horse right behind him. It was such a close race it came down to verifying with a photograph. Edward turned to Tobias, “I can’t believe you beat me, I tried so hard. Still, we just won the Kentucky Derby!!” Years later, after living luxurious lives where they were pampered by the farmer who found them and long after they were retired, Tobias turned to Edward and said. “Do you want to have one final race, for old time’s sake?” Edward responded, “I never could beat you, I always wanted to have a chance to do so, just to know what it feels like to win.” Tobias said “Tell you what, why don’t we have a race? Just like back when we were colts; let’s run to that feed mill over there and back to this fence three times.” Edward said “I don’t think I could take loosing again, after all this time, coming in second. I don’t know if I would want to live after another loss. I don’t have that much life in me any more.” Tobias said, “Tell you what, if it comes down to it, if it is really close, I’ll let you win. Just so you can know what it feels like. Yeah, it won’t be ‘real’ but you’ll get to know.” Edward agreed. “Ready, set, GO!” And both horses were off. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. It was almost as though the two old horses had the vitality of their youth again. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead again. On the third and final lap, close to finish, Edward was leading. It looked like he had the race in the bag. But suddenly Tobias seemed to get another final wind and he pushed ahead. He beat Edward. Tobias started prancing, victoriously, Edward, his soul crushed, lay down on the ground. The old farmer’s dog, who had known both horses since their infancy, came up to Tobias and said, “Tobias, why would you do that? Why would you crush your brother’s hopes and dreams like that? There was nothing riding on this race, no point. Why? Why? Why would you do that?” Upon hearing the dog, Edward stood up, he looked at his brother and said “Holy Shit, Toby, a talking dog!”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says why the long face? The horse says my mom died from cancer

A duck walks up to a lemonade stand, as asks the man running the stand, "Hey, got any grapes?" The man suffers a heart attack from the shock of a talking duck

Q: You and a thousand other people are suddenly bursting in flames at a park, there is a big barrel of water just a few steps away from you, what do you do in order to save the people that truly matter? A: Stop drop and roll, duh!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse replies "my whole family was killed in 911... And I used the money I got from life insurance to get plastic surgery to always have a smile on my face. My doctor botched the surgery, so now my face is elongated. Even for a horse, of course."

Q:why is walmart so big? A:Years ago a man named Sam Walton had a vision for one stop shopping. And it goes without saying that being a one stop shop must mean you have a lot of inventory thus the size of Walmart is a lot larger to hold and support the increased mass of inventory .

Why did the black man break up with his white girlfriend? Because he didn't love her anymore.

Well, first of all, what I have overcome both mentally (trauma) and physically (lots of shit) is in the past, lets leave it there. Second yeah, I can basically shift my sense of left and right at will, meaning I can choose which arm to write with, and write things mirrored without even thinking about it, I can fool my senses basically, one second I struggle playing the piano because I have just trained with one, then I make my brain believe I have been practicing with both, its simple, but complicated to explain, while my ears are perfectly normal, I got two sets of balance nerves, it just gets more complicated from there.

an irishman gets on facebook...he has 7 friend request

The Juice where prosecuted by many time.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple, the enslavement of blacks over hundreds of years.

what do you call a baby with a stamp on his nose.? Kentucky won the national championship this year

Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.

What did Sherlock Holmes say when he saw a very pretty lady? Hello

How do you confuse a terrorist? Speak another language other than Arabic

Why did the chicken cross the road? It was commiting suicide

So an Alex Gedrose walks into a bar, and orders peanut butter and jelly toast on buttermilk with extra Linda on the side.

Knock knock Who's there? The interrupting doctor The interrupting doct... You have Cancer

How did the little boy die? Malaria Why? He was poor. Why? A Jew stole his money.

What do you call a black guy selling drugs? A pharmacist.

What do you call the offspring of an elephant? A baby elephant.

This night was a particularly stormy one, many a crop destroyed, but the spirit of Little Jonny Harrison lived on with a shining light so strong it could emotionally blind those who may experience it's full potential. Jonny lived in Ristoville, a secluded village atop a hill. Citizens of Ristoville were frightened for there lives, all but Jonny, that is. Jonny was bullied from a young age, approximately 3 months, by his Uncle Clive, who was a Catholic Priest, full-time. Fear shined in the eyes of the normal residents, whilst, in Jonny's heart, there glowed a glow of pure hope, expectation and confidence, Jonny Harrison, was going to venture into the storm. Jonny knew he could amount to something, if he really really tried. He has 6 years behind him, and a long life ahead, and he figured, what's the worst that could happen? He pondered this, and ultimately came to the conclusion that there will be nothing worse out there that Uncle Clive's "Magical Basement of Happiness". Jonny sat his mother down in the family's precious leather chair, looked her in the eye and whispered a sweet farewell. He wished his father the best wishes possible, so now he is armed with the fact that his father is there for him, to help him further his adventure. Finally, Rosie Harrison, Jonny's sweet old Grandmother, who had been addicted to Crystal Meth for about 25 years now and been through 13 interventions and countless failed suicide attempts, opened her ears to young Jonathon's speech, he said softly in her ear, the words, "Hang in there, Gran. I know you can pull through, I may be only six but I sure as heck know how much i care for you.". The words of love echoed in her fragile little ears as Jonny walked away. He grabbed his stash of Cool Original Doritos, took with him a couple cartons of Apple and Blackcurrant Ribena, got his Grandfather's lucky medallion and his inhaler and took his first step outside. He whipped out a carton of Ribena, used the straw to puncture a hole through which to drink, strongly crumpled up the carton, slightly spraying pure fruit juice on his dungarees, and threw it to the drooping wet grass. He faced the towering lightning cloud and with a cry so intense, shouted, "Nothing will stop me!!". Jonny died shortly after of HIV induced AIDS. His Uncle Clive was sentence to 3 to 5 years, depending on behavior, in a high security prison for child molestation, frequent and consistant child abuse and paedophillia and smuggling Crystal Meth. Rosie Harrison died later that day.

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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