- Anti Joke

What's the difference between a portuguese widow and a llama? One is a portuguese widow and the other isn't.

What's harder than killing a baby? My penis while doing it. by: Lucky7 LG

Chuck noris is so awesome that he brings a knife to a gun-fight, and wins

A man walks into an oven. He suffers severe burns and dies on a hospital bed

Roses are red,violets are blue, dont read my words, says the ring of lords.

What's bigger than China and Smaller than my penis? Russia and a smaller penis.

roses are red, violets are blue, your boyfriends thinks i'm hot that's why he dumped you

Many years ago in the country of France there was this poor conductor who worked a route on a train. He traveled this route every day and every 3 years on the same day a wealthy young lady would get on and starts sit in the seat right behind him. After 3 years have passed he finally picks up the courage to talk to her and they fall in love. They don’t see each other for 3 years. When the poor conductor finally sees her again he is so intoxicated by her beauty he asks the rich lady to marry him. The rich lady said that she can't possibly marry him because he simply doesn't have enough money for her to continue to live her extravagant lifestyle. So he asks the rich lady to give him just 3 years to get enough money and she agrees. So, for 3 long years the poor conductor doesn't eat any breakfast at all. He saved all the money that he would spend on food for breakfast and when finally the 3 years was up, He asked the rich lady to marry him again. The rich lady said that he still doesn't have enough money for her to continue living her current lifestyle. So, again he begs her to just wait 3 more years and he would have enough money. For the next 3 years, the poor conductor doesn't eat breakfast or lunch. This whole time he had been saving all the money he would have spent on breakfast and lunch to try and get the rich lady to marry him. After these 3 years were over, he meets her again and asks her to marry him and again she declines because he just doesn't have enough money for her. The poor conductor, still madly in love, asks for once last chance to get the money so they could get married. At first the rich lady declines buy after his begging and pleading the rich lady agrees to meet him again in 3 years when he promised he would have enough money for her. The poor conductor desperate to gain the rich lady’s love decides to give up breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next 3 years, living off just water and bread. He is certain that after 9 years of saving money he will have enough for her when they finally meet again. After the 3 years are up the poor conductor is a broken man clinging desperately onto the dream of marrying the rich lady. When they meet he gets down on his hands and knees and asks for her hand in marriage. The rich lady declines his offer since he still was not rich enough for her. The conductor snaps and ends up mutilating her so is sent to jail. He sat his trail where he was sentenced to death by electrocution for his actions. After his trial was over and he was waiting to be electrocuted, the prison guard comes in and says that this was to be his last meal on earth and asked what he wanted. The poor conductor hadn't eaten anything but bread for 3 years so he asks for his favorite dinner, a good old American Thanksgiving meal with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, a piece of pumpkin pie, a cup of black coffee, and a cigar; and so he ate his turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, and ate the piece of pumpkin pie, drank his cup of black coffee, and smoked the cigar. The next morning, the prison guard came to take him to be electrocuted, but when they flipped the switch nothing happened! They took the prisoner back to the cell and checked the electric chair and found nothing wrong. That day the Prison guard came back and said that this was going to be his last meal on earth and asked what he wanted. So the poor conductor thought for a while before deciding on his favorite dish for lunch: Roast beef, corn, mashed potatoes, a piece of apple pie, a cup of black coffee, and a cigar. So he ate the roast beef, the corn, and the mashed potatoes. He ate the apple pie, drank the cup of black coffee, and smoked the cigar. The following morning, the prison guard came to take him away to the electric chair. After he was put in they flipped the switch and nothing happened again. So they took him back to his cell to figure out what happened. They decided something must be wrong with the chair so they moved the prisoner to another prison over night to carry out his sentence. So the next morning the prison guard came to see what he wanted to eat for his last meal on earth, and the prisoner said that he wanted his favorite breakfast for his last meal. So he had a huge stack of pancakes with real maple syrup, eggs sunny side up with bacon and sausage, a cup of black coffee, and a cigar. And so he ate the hug stack of pancakes with real maple syrup, eggs with bacon and sausage, drank the coffee and smoked the cigar. He then walked down to electric chair and they flipped the switch and nothing happened. By this time the prison guards were totally boggled and confused. They checked the chair and it was perfectly fine. They checked the electricity and it was working in perfect order yet try as they might they couldn't kill the man. Perplexed the guard said to the prisoner “That chair contains enough electricity to kill 10 men. How have you survived the it not once, not twice but three times?” And so the guy in the chair replied. 'I tried to tell you before that I'm a poor conductor.'

Whats worse than bitting into a apple and finding a worm? Being the worm who just lost nearly half his whole house because some jerk decided to eat an apple on the ground, whom after eating the apple destroyed the worms self-esteem by making the comparison to the worse thing possible. Or being raped by Zeus in the form of a worm.

Q: Why did the kid get Christman presents in August? A: Because it was cheaper than chemotherapy.

What's nice and looks like a rat? Ryan Kavanagh, I lied about the nice part

I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. I bet I can kick this bucket. He missed and had a heart attack.

There were 3 women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They all had different colors of hair because hair color varies depending on genetics.

What do you say to a horse at the vet? Good god, look at that ear infection.

why couldn't jimmy play on the swings at recess.. Because he's been dead for 5 years

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

After six days in prison, and the eight hours in court straight they finally randomly decided that I "acted in self defense" which I did, so I demanded recompensation for they locking me up and wasting my time... ...And hell if I did not get 12.000USD for it, not before they called me disrespectful and immoral, before I shut them the fuck up... ...""Earning" your respect wont pay my bills, while I am apparently the only one with balls here, what else can you say when you everybody else shuts the fuck up and sits down because the "alpha male" of your pack, yes you a grotesquely fat ass in a black dress and a gray womans wig smacks his little hammer on his desk... Judge my ass" Speaking of morals... "It is called sacrasm furfags" Nero: Did I mention that her boyfriend broke four fingers on his hand against my chest (supposedly it was a punch of some sort), then he countered my attack(?), as he skillfuly blocked both kicks with his face, as he fell down cried and pissed himself like the 52 year old "adult" he is? Then I broke both his knees with my heels and told him I would kill him too if he told the cops that I did so in self defense... In self defense of course... Drugs told my mother I was Satan, and that I would end up killing her the very day I was born... Little did I know back then, that whatever kind of angel dust she used then was right about me killing her... Now its her turn to climb up from the hell she sent me trough, except that I locked the gate at the end. I miss my real arm though, which she chopped right off me when I was six and offered it to God as tribute, then proceeded to beat the shit out of me with it it... That kinda felt nice compared to waterboarding and all the other shit she did to me, as for my father... Tried to break my neck because I was at my room studying when he caught me scratching my prosphetic arm which was a sin apparently, yes reader I literally killed my father too and you dont hear me whining about it. Nero: I had a custom prosphetic arm made, it wont pick up or hold shit, you can in fact crush your own fathers skull with a fist literally made of steel, even if you still cant believe its not real butter. Solvemedia: Politically correct, thumbs the fucks ups for the irony... Or the steel which I used in pure fear as my neck snapped and my legs went numb... Just a literal pain in the neck for the rest of my life though, and a nice memory...

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

yesterday, a girl asked me why a guy is Bro if he bangs alot of chicks, and chicks are hoes if they do alot of guys. i said to her “well, if one key can open a lot of locks, then it is the master key. if a lock can be opened by alot of keys, then it’s a shittyass lock, isn’t it

What's the best thing about 23 year olds? There's twenty of them.

Yo momma is so fat, that when I went over to your house and accidentally stepped on a skateboard, yo momma came out and said "get the %$^# off the skateboard!"

We are sorry for being so sorry, and apologize again for apologizing so much... Why wont you just let me apologize? Does this insult you? I apologize. HEY! STOP THAT! I SAID I WAS SORRY SORRY FOR BEING SORRY! FORGIVE ME PLEASE SORRY WHY ARE YOU DRAWING THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE... LISTEN I AM SORRY!!! From my book the boy that cried help too much: The help arrived and the boy was never seen again. TRIPLE POST TO SAY SORRY FOR DOUBLE POSTING! QUADRUPLE POST TO SAY SORRY FOR DOUBLE POSTING...ETC.

"Wow, that was so funny i fell off my dinosaur!" Dinosaurs went extinct in the late Cretaceous period, about 65 million years ago. Commonly believed by scientists across the world to have been caused by an ancient meteor that crashed in the current day Yucatán peninsula in Mexico. Also, even if you were around during the Cretaceous period, i assure you that no dinosaur would let you climb on top of it, let alone ride it while you're not highly terrified because of the sheer danger of the experience. Now unless you are 65 million years old, I highly doubt you laughed so hard that you fell off the dinosaur that you supposedly own.

Your mother is so ugly that I removed her from my friends list on Facebook.

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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