Q: If I have 5 pencils, and you have 3 spoons, how many pancakes will stick to the ceiling? A: Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "Devout Semites," the parrot replied.

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How many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub? On average 2,950, however, this has not been properly tested due to obvious reasons.

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If the blue dog falls out of sample object, how many bananas does my mom eat? No, because markers can't talk

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A white horse walks into a bar and orders a bitter. The bartender says "Hey, do you know we've got a drink named after you?" The horse says; "Eeek! A talking cow."

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What do you get if you cross a goat with a horse? Long letters of complaints by animal rights groups

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What did the disabled kid do on friday? He fell down a flight of stairs.

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Bill goes and buys 45 watermelons, what does he have? 45 watermelons.

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A baby walks into a bar and the bartender says.... Where is your mom?

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What do you call a black man? A normal human being

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One linners President Kinnedy did you like the parade President Lincon did you like the play

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Why was the little girl crying in the woods at night? There was psychotic killer chasing her with a chainsaw.

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What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Women's rights.

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How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Let's ride bikes!!

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So a jelly bean walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "whatchuu doin here jelly bean" the jelly bean doesn't respond and sits there awkwardly because he neither speaks English nor has the brain capacity to move or breathe. The bartender closes the store and comes back the next day to find the bean in the same awkward position.

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A man walks into a bar. He then walks out of the bar a while after. He then goes home and goes to bed. And then he goes to sleep. And then in an odd time travel paradox,a T-Rex arrives from the past and kills him and his entire family.

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In particle-joke physics, the antijoke is the extension of the concept of the antiparticle to the joke, where the antijoke is composed of antiparticles in the same way that the normal joke is composed of particles. Furthermore, mixing jokes and antijokes can lead to the annihilation of both, in the same way that mixing antiparticles and particles does.The result of antijoke meeting jokes is an explosion.[1]

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An alligator crawled into a bar Animal control is promptly called and he is released in a nearby lake

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Why did the black man go to portugal? Because he was very hard working and needed a vacation.

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Where do babies come from? You fathers penis.

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What did the little boy get from his parents on Christmas? Nothing. His parents died 2 nights before in a tragic car crash.

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why do german shower have eleven holes? jews have 10 fingers

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Why couldn't the boy see the pirate movie? Because it was sold out

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Why is adam jackson so black when his parents are white? their was alot of black dick up their during the pregnency. (once you go black, you NEVER go back!)

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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